The Disquiet Within

Happiness, that sometimes elusive mark. shifting and shapeshifting.
Until it seems that one has spent an entire lifetime trying to find
and keep happiness. A friend asked me recently how I was feeling. I
had only one word for him....I said that there's is a disquiet within.
Funny thing is that I have never used that word before. Of that I can
assure you. So where it came from I do not know, exactly. But it was
apt for me.

I am searching. For myself. For happiness to replace this disquiet.
For life and laughter to shine through. I would tell me to stop
searching and just be happy but I am of a certainty that I have not
quite learned how to just be. I am constantly asking myself questions.
What do I really wanna do with my life? Is this going the way it
should go? Am i really happy or am I stitching together patches of
good moments and trying to make them into the fabric that I will one
day call my life? I used to be this focused, driven person. With a
sense of purpose. But I've realised recently that I have lost myself
along the way. And now I'm mostly scared.

I want to take some time out for myself and just be me. But who am I?
How can I be myself when I do not even know who I am?

And when I die what will they say of me? "Wife", "Mother","sister" and
"daughter"? Is that all that should be said of me? Shouldn't there be
more? A lot of people go through life and are the end that's all they
are remembered as.

I want more.

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