Wednesday, December 22, 2010

too big and too dark, this world

Its been a long year. I remember writing a similar post last year, celebrating the end of 2009 and knowing that those times would never come again. How quickly time flies.

Its past 2am and I'm in bed, the lights are off and I've just turned the TV off. But I can still feel a faint wetness on my cheek from tears i cried a few minutes ago. Do you watch One Tree Hill? I hope you do. Anyways its season 8 and I just finished the episode where Quinn tells Clay while he is the hospital that she can't live without him. She says that the world is too big and too dark without him. I know its only TV and someone wean this crazy child off OTH but I do understand what she meant because not so long ago I said those same words.

I'll be the first person to tell you that everyone can be happy on their own. Most definitely yes. But I will also be the first person to admit to you that once you have been in love, once you have had the privilege of having that love returned, life after that is never the same. And the loneliness in your heart that you try so hard to deny or to assuage with something else, sex, music, new clothes, new places, new people etc, never really goes away.This is not to say that you are not happy, of course you are. Especially when you nod your head in affirmation and say it with conviction. Yes I its there. In that sentence.

I don't even know where I'm at right now. Everything seems exactly the same. But a major change has occured. You see, whenever anyone said to me that love is not enough, I just shook my head and said it was. What else is there afterall. I no longer believe. Everything has changed. And that sadness in my laugh tells me that that childlike belief and trust I had for and in this world is all gone. That zest to find the all perfect , all consuming. Its gone. I should be happy right? But all I have is the feeling that I came to this class to late. And that is the part that really sucks.