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Sometimes She Forgets

Sometimes she forgets that she is the sun, the moon and the stars
Sometimes she forgets that she is the roaring ocean and all its waves
Sometimes she forgets that she is the tornado in all its terrible glory
Sometimes she forgets that she is the volcano, fire, waiting
Sometimes she forgets that she is the cause
Sometimes she forgets her power

And then she remembers.
Recent posts

Pondering

The words are coming faster now. I am letting myself feel, even though little at a time as if there is a way to temper these things. How can you measure hope? A little at a time for today and then a little more tomorrow? If that were possible then maybe that is what I am doing. But i definitely feel more. Its amazing this thing. I am filled with wonder at the possibility that I could once again wholly and completely offer my heart to another person. Not with words as I have done so many times but in truth. How do I know that this time its true? Hope. That's how. I am not intentionally discounting every word that I hear. I am fighting the thought of my usual buffers. Its funny how I hadn't realised the patterns I held fast to until now. I am unlearning and relearning. I am asking myself questions... my surefire logic thought process :)

And of course the questioning brings me to this point. If love is the source of this openness which allows me to write, does it then follow tha…

Wolfcry

After I have saved you
And gathered all the pieces of your heart
That's when it starts
Then you gain your confidence
And leave your innocence and vulnerability
With me


- Wolfcry by Gregory Porter



Can I leave my vulnerability with you? The words from that Gregory Porter song come to mind as I spend the evening pondering at the state of affairs of my heart. I sent a message to Mr A asking if i lost my vulnerability. I also said that I think I did after he broke my heart but I deleted that part before he saw it and I realised it came from the same place. The inability/refusal to be vulnerable.

G was incommunicado for 24hrs and I was part crazy part longing but every part of me screamed against the thought that I did care. Why should I? Why shouldn’t I just walk away? Simisola says I must embrace this vulnerability. It’s hard and horrible and means that I must feel. I must feel all of it. I must shed the protection around my heart. But what if it hurts? It feels familiar yet strange. Its been…

Melting Our Hearts and Saving Our Souls

Love, I believe, the unrestrained love that sets you on fire has the ability to save one's soul. Too long has my heart been cold, too long have I gone without the lighting of my spirit, the yearning and the hoping in the pursuit of forever. It has been so long since I let the warmth of a lover's embrace reach past skin and flesh. It has been so long since I allowed hope in the form of another, ages since I heard my heart sing without deliberately shutting it up. With the passage of time I have become more adept at muffling her cries, at walling her up and hiding her lest she strays into the arms of some other who might take her break her. I kept her safe in the tower only allowing occasional glimpses of the sun until the cold got to her and eventually she froze.

I just looked through my blogger and I realise that the last time I wrote was at the start of last year, and I wrote about love. And it occurs to me that perhaps the start of the year finds me opening up, wanting the …

No Reins Baby. No Reins.

I think all humans are born to with a predisposition to trust and to take chances. We are given first the explorer's mind; nature egging us on to explore, to feel, to experience and to conquer. To participate in something that is outside of us, sharing in the wonder. Until we start to learn, experiences shaping our individual realities in more ways than one. We start to make conclusions about life, ours in particular and the world in general and in relation to us from the results of our learning. The child who learns to walk sees that two legs up and nature forces him to get up, one step above the animal, conquering the self that is defined on two hands and knees. The child sees evidence in walking and is fuelled towards that achievement regardless of how many times he falls back on his bottom. He knows that at some point, he will retain his balance and he will stand.

It seems like as life goes on however we lose that predisposition as a result of learning and experience. Our ins…

Here I Am. Hoping.

It has been such a long time. Such a long long time. I don't mean since I wrote as that much is clear. It has been a long time since I let love happen to me; since I let hope lead... It's maybe not so unrelated that I haven't written in the time in-between. At some point it became impossible to pour out my feelings when I was bound so tightly inside, protecting myself from hurt and pain and fear became the reason. My reason.

Today I was having a discussion with my darling S about Being Mary Jane and it led to our own love lives and the choices we have made over the last couple of years. Late last year, I finally came to the realisation that I was hurting myself but I could not feel it. How could I when I was first insulated from the hurt. The reason why any of my relationships didn't work out was that they were not supposed to. I never intended for them to because whether intentionally or subliminally, I consistently chose men who were emotionally unavailable or other…

18 April, 2013

It's been over a year since I wrote anything. The struggle to capture my thoughts, a war...I refuse to be writ they said. And even when sometimes I won, I looked at them, a writhing mass of part confusion, part happiness. Some pain and heartbreak and disappointment. Some parts remembering mistakes made and some part still hopeful. And I can't. I just cannot.

In recent time I have found discipline with regards to these. A projection of some sort. Not exactly protection. I feel it but not really. It's not really happening to me. And if I deny that they are mine how can I write them? 
Sometimes I cry but I don't know why I'm crying. No particular pain, no hurt I can think of. But my sub-conscious feels what I do not. Like now.
I am still not saying anything. but i am saying everything. I am counting the days of this limbo. We are almost at 3 years.