Saturday, January 21, 2017

No Reins Baby. No Reins.

I think all humans are born to with a predisposition to trust and to take chances. We are given first the explorer's mind; nature egging us on to explore, to feel, to experience and to conquer. To participate in something that is outside of us, sharing in the wonder. Until we start to learn, experiences shaping our individual realities in more ways than one. We start to make conclusions about life, ours in particular and the world in general and in relation to us from the results of our learning. The child who learns to walk sees that two legs up and nature forces him to get up, one step above the animal, conquering the self that is defined on two hands and knees. The child sees evidence in walking and is fuelled towards that achievement regardless of how many times he falls back on his bottom. He knows that at some point, he will retain his balance and he will stand.

It seems like as life goes on however we lose that predisposition as a result of learning and experience. Our instincts change from explore to protect. "Jump" our inner philosopher does not say. We become the results of our experiences and even in the most resilient parts of ourselves we change. Now this is not to say that life comes to us all the same way; but it does come regardless of how charmed one's existence might be. This is not necessarily a bad thing and neither is it unnecessary however how I wonder... how much of our lives do we live unlived because of this? 

Last night on another terribly late night phonecall (not that I am complaining lmao) with Mr Joy he attempted to rein in our love. I am using the term love loosely yet at the same time not so loosely. Love is after all a daily doing; actions in the service of another, building up, protecting, serving joy for the benefit of the other. Your other. And the fulfilment of this daily doing produces the feeling in the Other that we term love. So he says a bunch of things which are on one hand meant to protect me but I realise are really meant to protect him. At first I'm hurt.... why? why did he have to disrupt our idyll? Then I heard all the things he wasn't saying. I have after all read his poetry, listened to him for hours and I hear in his voice echoes that I understand all too well.  The reins of fear.

I heard a long time ago that Life is a journey not a guided tour. The pitfalls are as inevitable as the irrefutable blessings that lie in wait. Maybe love will keep on loving or maybe it will not. And we will learn and these lessons will change you as this is inevitability in our existence. But the lessons I believe are to make us brave. No pain is insurmountable, No joy is unachievable. In my mind, we are to keep going, open hearted, open minded as we are borne ceaselessly into life.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Here I Am. Hoping.

It has been such a long time. Such a long long time. I don't mean since I wrote as that much is clear. It has been a long time since I let love happen to me; since I let hope lead... It's maybe not so unrelated that I haven't written in the time in-between. At some point it became impossible to pour out my feelings when I was bound so tightly inside, protecting myself from hurt and pain and fear became the reason. My reason.

Today I was having a discussion with my darling S about Being Mary Jane and it led to our own love lives and the choices we have made over the last couple of years. Late last year, I finally came to the realisation that I was hurting myself but I could not feel it. How could I when I was first insulated from the hurt. The reason why any of my relationships didn't work out was that they were not supposed to. I never intended for them to because whether intentionally or subliminally, I consistently chose men who were emotionally unavailable or otherwise engaged. And when it did end, I would be fine; I would move on unbothered save a few days of emotional discomfort but no real lasting hurt. Not like that time all those years ago when my heart broke so bad and the world ended. I would tell myself that I was giving 100% to the relationship and yes I was, but the joke is I was giving 100% to the day only and the next day when the other wasn't there anymore it would not break me, I would be fine.

Of course these kinds of moments of self-realisation while life changing are never pretty. Like S said there's the unlearning and the relearning. You fight the truth but once revealed it reminds you over and over again that this is you. So I talked to God about it and I decided that I will let life in. No more hiding, no more being afraid. I will shed the protective shell around my heart because I do not want protection anymore. I will have hope. I will be open and honest and sending this out into the universe, love will feel me and it will find me where I stand. And it will be the giddy in my heart, laughter in my eyes, low long fire burning in my stomach joy kind of love.

So. Here I Am. Hoping.

With Love,