Sunday, November 27, 2011

Who Am I

If I asked you to describe yourself, what words would you use? Would you describe yourself in a one line sentence, stating the obvious? Would you be funny, smart, beautiful, tall and 25? Or would you be melancholic, choleric, sanguine and a libra. Would you be sexy and have oloju come and do? Would you be dedicated and courageous and driven and afraid? Lol...I just described myself as I would have, a long time ago.

However in recent times, I have realized that I cannot describe myself in those words. Because doing that takes all the wonder out of it. If I said I was funny would you not wonder how I got to be funny? Or if I said I am by nature a lonely person, if you have met me you would immediately argue with that. But that would be because you do not know me. You do not know the experiences that have shaped me, my life. The little and big things that have combined themselves into forming me, as you see me.

Which is why when I started reading Bobo Omotayo's "London Life Lagos Living" I was immediately captivated by it. Right from the Prologue. I said to myself, "he knows, he's got it".

I have come to know myself a bit well in the past few months and I am still learning myself. Why? because to the constantly stirred broth that is me, new experiences are being added every minute. I am constantly changing and I am blessed for it. But today;

I am the scar above my left eye after a pillow fight with my brothers

I am the prayer to God for a baby sister when my mother was 7 months pregnant

I am the cholera that ravaged me that my father thought that I would die

I am the Danielle Steel novel I read when I was 7.

I am my first kiss

I am the tears I shed for my older brother when he wouldnt come home

I am the silence in the dark cupboard my brothers locked me in

I am the first iced lolly I ever had

I am my first steps that I dont even remember

I am the pap i puked down my father's shirt because all I wanted was mashed potatoes and vegetables

I am my first day at Olashore. Complete with round geeky glasses

I am my set 6 class

I am my suspension letter

I am the As on my WAEC result

I am the songs I sang on stage at University

I am the first copy of Calais I found at a roadside bookseller at 14

I am the wedding dresses I sketched at 13 and the slef-destroyin lily I drew at 15

I am the tears I shed after a relationship

I am the increase in my heartbeat the first time I heard "Heartbeats" by Jose Gonzalez

I am One Tree Hill, Season 4 Episode 9

I am my resignation letter and my search for different

I am the dreams that I have let go and I am also the dreams I have refused to let go

I am my silent smile and my silent anguish

I am my pilgrim soul

Now Playing: Collide - Howie Day


How would you define happiness? By whose definitions should we abide? Would you adjudge me to be less happy or not at all if my definition doesnt resemble yours?

Last weekend I went to Makoko (or as my friend J likes to tease me for my pronunciation, "Ma-koko")with photographer friends, Teju Cole and Leke Alabi-Isama on a photo-walk/photo-canoeing and at Makoko, my heart broke and I cried.

It was not their poverty that made me cry. It was ours. Or maybe it was theirs...but what right do I have to those tears? Even while I felt pity for them, seeing through eyes coloured by my supposed enlightenment and betterment for want of a more appropriate word, I wondered how they saw me. What did they think of me? Did they want to be me?

Did they want my Gucci sunglasses or my Gucci rubber shoes or my pretty purse? Those stupid things that I hold dear. Or did they pity me for my inability to just be free from it all. And just be happy and content, as they appeared to be.

As we canoed our way through what in civilization may as well have been Venice, I wondered if they ever got out. And a voice inside immediately challenged me. Why should they? it said. They appeared to have everything they need so why leave? Are my dreams better than theirs because they are different? And then I wondered about their dreams. What was their motivation. Or had they simply stopped dreaming? And will Makoko be all they'll ever know?

Till now, all I have are questions. What do they know that I dont? What have they seen? What have they heard? Surely they must know something that I do not know now, and perhaps may never know. Surely they must know the secret to life and all the world's happiness. How else can they look so happy?

I want to know what they know, I want to hear their stories. They may break my heart. But at least I'll know.

Makoko, I will never forget.

np: Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez

See photos taken by Leke at

My photos

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Any Day Now

Any day now I'll run to the rooftops and scream that I'm in love. I'm in love with your smile and I'm in love with your eyes. I'm in love with your voice and I'm in love with your laugh. I am in love with the beauty in your soul and the strength in your spirit.

Any day now, my healing will be complete. That which started long ago in the sacred space of my heart. When you knew me, and saw my pain and spoke to me of love.

Any day now, I'll shed my last sad tear and embrace you, and cure the longing in our hearts.

Any day you'll take my hand and I'll take yours. Any day now, that which we both wait for will come, and I will write the words to frame our souls. And you will capture them in the way only you can.

Your love makes it worthwhile. Any day now I'll tell you. I love you.
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Trust Issues

"Why is it so easy to be disillusioned and so hard to be grateful" ~ Ancient Chinese Proverb

I was listening to "Time After Time" today and it struck me about how much about trust that song is. And I thought, "hang on,hang on, how dare you?! Do you know how you'll feel two seconds from now not to mention 6 months or one year or thirty years from now."

Too quick are we to say "Trust me. I won't hurt you...I'll take care of you." Well whoopsie daisy when 3months later you become "prone to wander" lol...that's how I knew my boyfriend in 2009 was planning to break up with me. And I understand. Naturally.

Thing is you can't tell someone that you'd be there to catch them when they fall, that you'd be waiting. Its just wrong and maybe a little evil. Because, like every other thing we blame life for, it happens. And the day that person decides to fall, you my darling may have moved. Shikena! Neither question nor explanations rendered. Poof!!!

Why am I vexing? Like the title says, I'm having "Trust Issues"

Don't ask me to trust you. There's the danger that I might. And then what?
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Saturday, September 24, 2011

My journey so far

Hey, it's my birthday ! Or will be In about 8mins. Planned to write a proper post before getting drunk with my mum. But that kinda happened first.

Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you.

*mama's looking for her glass and it's right in front of her*

Faith, hope and love.

Merry new year to me

Sent from my iPad

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Looking for my daddy

Today two of my siblings went back to uni and i miss them horribly. But that's not the point of this post. My dad woke up quite early and went to the market to buy fixings or fried rice. He came back home, cooked and packed the food into coolers for both of them and took them to school.

While he was cooking, i looked into the kitchen from where I was sitting at the dining table having breakfast and my eyes watered a bit. Because wielding a spatula in one hand and a knife in the other was my 57 year old dad, my first love and the man Ive come to realize that I've fashioned my dream man after.

Recently I had to tell someone what I was looking for in a man. Halfway through I paused cos I realized that I was describing my father. I cannot begin to describe the man I call daddy. Or why I call him daddy. Not dad. Daddy.

So I guess what I'm wondering is do they still make men like him? Because to be honest, that's what I want. My father isn't a perfect man. Don't get me wrong. My daddy is the perfect father for me.

I'm not looking for him for just me. I'm also looking for him on behLf of the daughter I'll one day have. So that she can look into the kitchen and think these same thoughts.

P.s. My last entry posted in error. It's unfinished.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Jumping out of a plane is not easy. There's the chance that you'll break every bone  in your body when you hit the ground, assuming of course that a passing mythical winged creature  doesn't eat you right after you jump out. But there's also a chance that a series of soft puffy clouds will cushion your fall all the way to the ground, or that you'll sprout humongous wings and fly into the sunset. You get me?

Recently I handed in my resignation at KPMG. Why? The time I allotted to the great firm had elapsed. But apart from that, I knew without a doubt that I didn't wanna be an auditor for the rest of my life. So therefore, know the rest. At the time I resigned I didn't know what I wanted per se. I'm sure I must have seemed a bit mad to some people. I also didn't have a new. Job lined up. So yeah, I got a few "are you out of your fucking mind" looks. But I did have something, I had trust in God. I believed that God will not let me starve and that I would be okay, regardless. Armed with nothing but faith and trust in God I handed in my notice.

Jesus says in Matthew 6:26,  "Look at the birds in the sky: * They do not sow, or reap, or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds * them. Aren't you more valuable * than they are? " 
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Saturday, August 13, 2011

I deserve it

Over the past few weeks, or months even, I have been reminded of how much God loves me. I have also been reminded of how unfaithful I am. Firstly, by default. After all I'm human, but then secondly in particular, as just me, Abimbola. My own personal brand of unfaithfulness. To myself, and to God.

I realized that I have wronged myself in so many ways, so many injustices done by me, against me. I have cheated myself and in doing so, cheated God. Far be it from me to tell you the many ways I have sold myself short, accepting less for myself, believing that it was enough. But I have, and now I have decided to change.

I don't know if any of you have read Lauren W's (can't remember the spelling) "Chasing Harry Winston". If you have or not, there's a part in the book where someone got engaged and told her friends that she thought the ring was too big. Then one of her friends replied that "if you think it's too big then you don't deserve it". That struck a chord within me. Looking at me or listening to me speak, you'd never imagine the de insecurities that used to lie within. I'm saying used to because it was only until recently that I began to embrace them, or recognize them for what they are. And being able to do that is a huge step for me.

I was speaking to someone recently about this boy I've been seeing and about how it isn't a love match. And he asked me what I wanted. I said love first, and then everything else. He laughed in my face and said I was greedy and jokingly said that he prays that I find love. I wasn't angry. Just baffled. Am I expected to settle? If I am, is it just me, or is it everyone as well. The recently defeated insecurities rose to the surface. But then I remembered...
I deserve it, nothing is too big for me, and definitely not too big for God.

Monday, July 4, 2011

How will I know

Is love any less true when its not stormy? Or is it truer then. How will I know the next time? The next time I'm in love, seeing as I've resolved to do it the right way this time. Right side up. Is there a wrong way to fall in love?

Yesterday a friend told me that he didn't think he'd ever been in love. We'd just finished watching Natalie Portman's "No strings attached" and there I was, cradled against him when I noticed the troubled look on his face. When I asked what was wrong he said he didn't think he'd ever been in love and that how would he know if he had. I tried to describe it but I found out that I couldn't. All the adjectives in the world couldn't quite capture it. So I turned to him and said "you will know".

Which of course got me questioning myself. Will I know? If its easy and quiet and peaceful, will I still recognise it? If it doesn't make me alternate between periods of sadness and intense joy, will I recognise what it is? Will I call it love?

This time around, I vowed to do things differently. Employ my head to oversee the matters of my heart because my heart on its own is a loose canon. But will my head make the right decisions? The bible says "guard your heart..." right? Does that imply that its only the heart that has the right to make important decisions? If that's the case, I'm royally screwed!

Much love,
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Friday, June 24, 2011

Boom boom boom boom #Superbass

Something about good music that lifts you and lets you fly. I've been listening to Nicki Minaj's Superbass for a few days now and its totally put a smile on my face. Not just a smile. In the words of KidKonnect, a "huge ass grin". I was in the shower this morning when I realised that I was grinning and there was no particular reason for the huge smile that was stretched across my face. I am happy I guess content too. Not complacent though. Never that. Just in a really good place. And that's a really good thing, considering.

I was having Biodun cravings the other day. So I went to the gym instead of phoning him. Let just say it was a very effective solution. Three days later my body hurts too much to sit properly, not to mention trying to cry.

I read ThirdWorldProfashional and there was a thingy bob about taking a photo of all the contents of your bag. I was gonna do that today. But way too many "weird" stuff in my handbag.

I hate the fact that my feet are size 42. I think that's the only part of my body I don't dig. Amazing shoes in the Gucci sale. But they are all around size 39. But then again, thinking off all the people without feet...I love mine just as is.

Read something about Illegal Immigrants on Myne's blog and it reminded me about being bounced at the American Embassy. I won't lie, that "ela" was painful. I was gonna scream at the dude through the glass and go "wtf! Do I look like I'd like to inconvenience myself one bit by running away to ur fucking country? I just wanna go on holiday you freaking mutant" But then I's not your fault. It's Nigerian's I blame. It's even so bad that they now bounce people at the South African embassy. The American dream? I've never had it. I've had the English one though. More fun if you ask me.

It feels like I'm in love. Which is weird because I'm not exactly seeing anyone at the moment. And when I say "exactly" I mean I'm going on dates with a bunch of people but not exactly.

My staff (read as junior at work) paid me a really lovely compliment today. Apparently I'm fantastic to work with. Unless of course I show you my red eye. Then I can be a total winch. Vraiment.

About commenting on blogs, I'm really terrible at it. I read o! But sometimes it feels like any comment I make would be like stating the obvious. Do you get? And responding to comments on my people really go back to read comments? It's not exactly bitchfighting on Bella Naija.

Did I ever mention that I met T-Notes in December? I was the girl in leggings? Cream coat? Kiss kiss T.

I'm going out with my girls tonight. Cheap booze and good food is the theme. Good clean fun. So if you're out tonight (not clubbing), holla at this girl.

Np: Superbass – Nicki Minaj

Have a Superbass weekend.


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Monday, June 13, 2011

Believing the promise

Here I stand, before God, Expectant. I chose to believe his promises made to me instead of the performance of those promises. Because. Afterall, he is not man that He should lie.

Here I stand, before God, flawed in so many ways. Sinner, sometimes unrepentant. But I choose to humble myself before Him and admit that I have no power of my own.

Here I stand, before God, in worship. My eyes have seen the King, the Lamb upon the throne. He reigns forever.

Here I stand, before God, in silence. How can I hear what he has to say if I can't keep the turmoil in my heart and in my mind out of the way?

Here I am, before God, believing that my sins are forgiven, that I have help, that my worship is acceptable and that I can hear what He's saying to me.

"Come child, let us walk on water."

Have a blessed week.

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Friday, June 10, 2011

Of rainy days....(Flashbacks)

Dancing in circles with friends in rain, missed lecture because of this.

Rainy Saturday afternoon designing wedding gowns and fantasizing about my dream wedding and building castles in the air. 14 and free from secondary school. From here on to conquer the world.

Rainy Friday afternoon hunched over my desk at overdosing on The Fray, trading OTH quotes and music with soon to be boyfriend who later became ex-boyfriend. I miss carefree. Or maybe I've never been carefree?

Rainy Friday evening driving to Paddy's, tears streaming down my face. Seeking comfort.

On B's bed, in B's arms. Both listening to rainfall outside the window and whispering. Now I wonder why we were whispering…perhaps subconsciously trying not to break what we knew was fragile. Too precious this memory. Tranquillity.

On B's bed. B snoring beside me. Laptop open in front of me, writing one of my best posts till date. Stand up from bed to stare outside the window. Its so peaceful. I long to put my hand outside window to touch rain. Crawl back into bed and try to crawl into B. Time was running out.

In parking lot at work, seat reclined, rain hitting roof, listening to M.I's "Forever". Bliss

Reading Calais in patio. Weather cold from rain falling outside. Restoring self, leaving world behind and entering mind. Looking for self lost along the way. Oldest I've ever been at this point.

Lost in London. Took walk and just kept walking. Funny late autumn light rain. No coat, 10pounds and oyster in pocket. Left mobile at home. Journeys to nowhere.

Woke up middle of night. Patio door flung wide open cos forgot to lock it earlier. Heavy winds promising rain. Went to patio and cried eyes out. There is where mother found me. First step to healing.

Standing at window last week. Rain outside window. Not heavy, not drizzle. Just right. Like me. Contemplating future. Heart awash with plans. Finding self again.

It is well with me. It is well with you.

P.s. you may wonder about some of the tenses in this post. Do not fear, I haven't entirely forgotten how to speak English. Is just darned Irish novel.

Much Love,

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Tuesdays' thoughts for a very random Friday

~Have u ever tried to do an upward facing waka? That shit is hard I tell u. Plain impossible. I tried to waka a trailer driver today. The guy thought I was begging. No greater injustice has ever been delivered to a waka~

~Something abt keke marwas that make me go arrrrrrrrghhhh....inside my head I'm wondering if I look like the bbm angry smiley when I do that. maybe a little less red~

~So that contraption at adeniji is a billboard type thing. If I tell u what I thought it was you'd shake ur head~

~I said lol...well I went l-o-l. Frankly ive been spending too much time trying to put an end to boring bbm convos~

~Being pursued(I mean this literarily) by a hunk In traffic does wonders. for ones ego. That is of course until follows u into 45mins worth of traffic and when ure about to kill urself with anticipation he comes down from his car and u find that he's. At least 3inches shorter. In Flats!!! #truestory

~Almost-disgusting thought next~

~If someone shoved cocaine up their asshole would it make anal sex any less...well for lack of a better word, anal~

~And talking about shoving things up assholes. Tones of people are secretly asshole fetish..."Oh whatever, up urs" or "shove this where the sun don't shine" and blah blah blah...u get~

~Have u seen the new Kia Jeep? I'd like to do 'it' inside that car. Well there's no such thing as a kia jeep seeing as jeep is a brand name and unless they tried to make a car together...smartass. Doesn't sit well on me~

~U know that thing they do in movies where the bad guy is on a power bike and someone opens a car door and the guy hits it and flies ...(Read powerbikes as bicycle), I had a maddening urge to do that this morning~

~Been reading a lot lately. I feel like I'm getting my life back. The thing about books is that they the set me off in all sorts of directions. Sorta like a continuum(I really don't know what this word means). Anyways, A Part of the Whole has sent me to Plato and his other cronies, This charming man has sent me to the map of ireland and has gifted me with a new vocab. Well just a few words when u hear me say "rozzers" , I mean police..u feel me yah?~

~Glo billboard on falomo bridge with that nollywood chic. Tsk tsk. They should have at least tried to remove the zits on her forehead~

~I love champagne. I really do. Especially when random man at club says "what are u drinking pretty girl? Pretty girls should drink Dom P." And when random man orders Dom P~

~there's just something wrong with that coca cola ad on akin adesola. Wtf is the guy smelling his armpits!!!~

~have u been to capetown? You should go. 4days eez enuff lest u become alcoholic and refuse to come back home. Is beyootiful beyootiful drinking paradise. And all that seafood...err...did I mention the drinkies (another irish book something)~

~if u could spend a day as the opposite sex, what would u wanna do? Please don't say "pee standing up" or "fix a weave" or any other brain damaging boring activity~

Oh and its friday. Here's to the weekend!*clinks bb against airwick bottle*

Much Love,
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Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Replacements don't fit

I've always believed that there's just one person for each of us. That
one soulmate. Yin to your Yang. Only one person that will ever
complete u so perfectly. One true love. And I've also always believed
that everyone will meet that person at one point in their lives. And
with that person, you only get one shot at it. But I've also always
believed that sometimes it may work out and other times it won't. But
that does not make it any less true.

I've also always believed that before and after that one person there
would be others. Mirages if you like. Mirrors but not exactly mirror
images. And out of all of that we pick one. And it works out. But most
times you never forget.

Its been 8months since we split up. And yes I have moved on and I'm
happy and restored, but I yearn for him. Not in my body as with a
lover's touch, but in my soul. There's many things I'd like to share
with him cos I know he'd understand. Many questions I'd like to ask,
his smiles I'd like to see. Yes. This is a post about longing and I am
writing this because the replacements don't fit.

In these 8 months I've had people come and go and inasmuch as I don't
expect them to be him, they are how should I say..."Not werking for
me". I am not looking for his replacement in the physical form. I am
searching for his smile, and the light in his eyes. I am searching for
his embrace, and the pattern of his breathing. I am searching for a
spark...something. Anything like him.

Yesterday I added him on my bb. And just seeing his name there,
without speaking, quelled all the crying, all the longing and all the
anxiety I've been feeling. And for the first time in so long, I've
woken at peace with myself and the world around me. And the
realisation that surely, all will be well.

So out of the 6billion plus people in the world, all I need is one.
And if that don't work, all I need is a replacement that fits.

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Sunday, May 29, 2011


What is your colour? I was thinking to myself this morning about how I
didn't give a thought to the colour purple until Boluwatife Jacobs
entered my life. And how her love for purple rubbed off on me,
erstwhile pure lover of grey. You can say she coloured my world. Not
so much with the colour itself but with her happy "I don't have a care
in the world" attitude. And this made me wonder if perhaps I have
added such colour to your life. If I have, what colour have I been?

Have I been the colour black? Filled with nothingness, the greatest
paradox if there ever was one? Or mayhaps I have been yellow. Always a
laugh and a half. Have I been the colour blue? Solid dependable blue.
Calm and self assured. Never wavering. An ever-fixed mark?

Surely, I have been the colour violet? Deep and vibrant. A living,
breathing embodiment of electricity. Sometimes touch and go but still
self-replenishing. Drawing energy from all around me and making my
own, expressing it all in my own way.

I met someone who makes me see nothing but pale rose. The sunglasses
with which my pilgrim soul sees the world are once again tainted with
colour. This person has seen me, known me and called me for what I am.
A dreamer.

Tell me baby, what is your colour?

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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Let me know, Let me know

I just reaLly hope that you think of me,cos I'm trying to be unforgettable

For some reason I think I may have lost the ability to write my heart
out. It doesn't seem like a case of writer's bLoc. Just a seemingly
unshakable reluctance. Some part of me is willing while the rest of me
is saying a big fat no. I come up with some one liners that are
reminiscent of the posts I used to write circa 2010 but that's all
...disjointed one liners.

You see the issue is that I write with my heart. So 95percent of the
time I don't know beforehand what I'm going to write about. But what
happens when my heart decides to take a vacation? It leaves me well
and truly screwed. I have a a halfway house worth of posts. Words to
capture emotions at certain points in time. Posts going nowhere,
lifetimes that they may have lived. "Where are our lives before we
have lived it?"

Neefemi, read "Calais" by kathleen Winsor. I think I may have read it
too early. At 14 it taught me melancholy and the infinite sadness. Ten
years later and it still affects me like the first time. Yeah , that's
the book I wanted for my birthday.

"True love can never be relied upon to have completely exhausted
itself in its lifetime" u agree? I miss my ex. Really badly
recently. We haven't spoken since november.

Have you read Dante Alighieri's "the divine comedy"? It was originally
written in italian. But here's an excerpt ...

"Remember tonight for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a
reward for persisting through life so long alone. The belief in each
other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply
rise above the pain of the past. The covenant, which at once binds two
souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration, of the chance taken,
and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger
than one. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For
tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world for
feelings long held. Promises made long ago in the sacred space of our

I haven't read words so beautiful, before and after.

I still believe in love. I think. Even though I recently told someone
that I'm no longer a believer.

I am a dreamer. Its in my heart and in my mouth. Someone told me
recently to "chase my dreams and when I find it, to live the life that
I dreamed" good or bad advice? To each his own.

I hadn't cried in a while. Until recently. Been tearing up a lot
recently. PMSing or something else? What happens when you break yin
from yang? An incomplete circle. "I do not come to you by chance"....I
miss you. "I just really hope that you think of me"...

"Lest you and I who love wake up one morning, strangers, enemies in an
alien world far off" did I end up here alone?

"I have saved nothing with which to protect myself..."

So all I'm saying is ...

Sent from my mobile device

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Putting on my big girl shoes

Hi all...I know its been a while. But I really haven't had anything to
say. simply because I didn't seem to be able to adequately express
myself or explain what was going on inside my head.

Anyways that's another post entirely. This one is about the choices
I've made or rather decided to make. I'm quitting my job yo! This
month, with no new job lined up, I'm saying goodbye to KPMG. Someone
here might call me crazy, irrational maybe. Or maybe just more than
one someone. But before you judge me, hear me out.

Have you ever felt like you were just sitting around waiting for your
life to happen? And that whatever happens in between is acceptable
until your life actually happens? But then as days, months and years
pass the feeling fades into that nagging,mocking voice at the back of
your mind as you cannot remember for reward nor ransom what it was you
first loved.

Over the years I've had this feeling. At first I thought it'd go away
but it didn't. Until it got so bad that some days I felt like I was
drowning in all of it. Don't label me ungrateful as some might say. I
am grateful to God for the job I have, the job that puts petrol in my
car and clothes on my back.

But...its time for me to get on with my life. One huge step at a time.
Fingers crossed, heart filled with hope and what I perceive from the
beating in there, as a signal that the best is yet to come.

Love and Peace,

Sent from my mobile device

The day the Lord has made

Its 5.58am and i am the first of the bridesmaids to wake up. Although
i am not the maid of honour, i am the one in charge. Its Saturday 14th
and one of my best friends is getting married today. Do you remember
my cousin who was supposed to get married last year then her dad uncle
Frank died? Well its the same one. Yup!, she's finally here. And as
the sounds of rainfall filter into my bedroom, where incidentally we
are all piled up in, I smile to myself as I know without a doubt in my
heart that this is the day the Lord has made. Not the date from last
year, no. This one, 14 May 2011

As head of the bridesmaids (not the chief), she is my main
responsibility for the day. Last night I moisturized my special caviar
into her skin and sprayed peppermint essence on her feet while
together with the 6 or so other girls here we recalled tales from our
childhood. My mother comes into the room at about 12:30am and orders
us all to bed. We all burst into laughter and as I see her watching
me, I know what she's thinking. My answer last night would have been
"yeah yeah whatever". But this morning, my answer is "I will get
married on the day the Lord has made".

Sometimes, certain things happen in our lives that attempt to cancel
or delay plans already made. Do not worry, do not fret, because it
only means that the day the Lord has made is on its way.

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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Things we lost in the fire of life : someone like you

Sometimes it lasts in love... but sometimes it hurts instead.

Yesterday was an ex's birthday. I was sweeping my room and when i took a break to check my bbm contacts' updtes, i saw "happy birthday king B" and for a second, i could not remember who that was neither could i associate March 26 to anyone who I may have known in my entire life. Until like all things which eventually come to light, i sat back faily startled. Of course it was his birthday. I went back to sweeping and the phrase "things we lost in the fire of life" came to me. You see, two years ago i would have made a production out of that i couldnt even remember it. This touched me a great deal, especially as i sat down and began to wonder how many of such dates had been forgotten, at one time so precious. How many memories have been banished to the utterly deep, dark cesspool that is my mind? Consciously in an attempt to move on or like imprints in sand, gently erased by the passage of time. As with bricks and blocks, softening with age, until at last, withering away completely.

Shortly after that, K pinged me and told me about Adele's "Someone like you". Apparently she'd listened to it and had been wailing all morning. I rolled my eyes and thought, "drama queen". Still I downloaded the song. Afterall I've loved Adele since i first heard "Chasing Pavements". I didnt listen to this song till much later though. I spent the day at the spa and stopped by The Orchid Bistro to have a solitary dinner. Just as I was finishing my meal, it started to rain and I ran to my car. That was when I listened to the song. I can tell you one thing. I was unprepared for it.

I wont tell you about the haunting beauty of this song, or that its the only song I've listened to since about 9.15pm last night. I wont tell about how i reclined my car seat and listened to this song till the rain stopped. I wont tell you of the purity in this song. Or the emotions it evoked in me. I will not also tell you of the tears that poured from my eyes. That dear friend, is for you to experience first hand.

Instead I shall tell you a little story. A story that you may have heard me say in part before. But a story nonetheless. I'm not here to relieve the pain of the past. Lord knows that I have moved on. But listening to this song, the lyrics reminded me of something that happened in december. Something i told no one.

It was one of those cold London winter evenings. December 28th to be exact. I'd been in London for three days, toying with the idea of going to see my ex. I never mentioned here how much in love with him I was. But you may have guessed. I'd never been with anyone like him. That was my last bus stop i thought. And in some ways, it was. Everything in my life up until when i met him was "before B' and "after B". Anyways I walked to the train station, dressed in my best winter coat. To impress. I bought the ticket to chafford out of the little money i went to london with. I got off at the train station and found my way to the house. Heart in hand. My palms were freezing, even though they were encased in warm woolen gloves. It was about 9pm and the streets were understandably dark. I made my way to the door. The house that I'd imagined that I'd one day live in. And i stood at the door. For a minute, paralysed. What what, I didnt know. But what would I have said to him, had I knocked and had he opened the door. Would I have said 'i'm sorry, lets make it work"? I stood there for another minute until without a word, I turned around and headed abck to the station.

If you know the lyrics to Adele's "someone like you", you would understand why listening to this song, almost three months later, it would touch me so.

I left the doorway of the house on Grays without looking back. Not crying for I had used up all the tears before that. But determined to move on.

How many things have we committed to the fire of life. How many memories did we burn along the way? Forging ahead in life, because surely, such things are essential to our survival. I'm not entirely certain why i am asking you these questions, but maybe, just maybe you'd understand.

"Dont forget me I beg, I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"



Monday, March 7, 2011

Now that I am old

Did you ever read "when you are old" by W.B. Yeats? That was my favorite poem for a very long time. Lasting love and all. :) . Anyways, now I am old(er) and I am loving me.

I saw something on twitter the other day. Don't remember the exact words but it was something about how one cannot be truly happy if one is single. Now I am assuming that single here means emotionally unattached, I.e. Not following anyone, not being followed, not obsessing over anyone e.t.c. You know, the general state of being single. And I thought to myself! 'Ang on 'ang on!(In typical Patrick fashion). What on earth is this human saying??? Have I been lying to myself all this time? *shaking my head in bewilderment* I really don't know.

The thing is I am incredibly happy. For a long time I waited to find myself, and I have. And I know that it is not totally unrelated to the fact that I am indeed single. Loving it? Meh...but that doesn't make me unhappy. Ya dig? See...I relish the opportunity to hear myself thiink. I adore the moments of quietness. Its like the world is listening to me. I am in love with "peace of mind". I should insert a smile here cos I am actually smiling.

In these quiet moments, I watch myself grow. And I feel "old". Not in the real sense of the word, but I realise now, that for an incredibly long time, I was incredibly young. And yes, foolish. Even though I thoUght at that time that I was the smartest little thing. Perhaps, in a few years, I'd look back at today and say the same thing. :) ...what can I say, change is the only constant.

So now that I am old, I am allowed to say the following, and you are obliged to listen to me;

- You can be happy if u are single. Its not a curse :p

- I only drink wine and champagne.

- Leave Patience Jonathan alone. She never claimed she could speak english.

That's all Folks! (U weren't expecting words of wisdom were you?)

Much love,
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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Bending and Not Breaking

The last few weeks have been horrid, not to say in the least. But still, I am here.

I am an Ekiti woman. I am strong. I exude grace under pressure. I am like a blade of grass found by the riverside, supple, flexible.

I am an ekiti woman. Stubborn, yet sensual. You can tell from the set of my chin and the glare in my eyes. I am to be taken seriously. You can tell from the arc of my brow, I have laughter bubbling just underneath.

I am an ekiti woman. Sexy and smart. You can tell from the sway of my hips and the way I tilt my head to the side when i am thinking.

To all ekiti women out there, big ups.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Monday, February 21, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

This is where I am

Hey people,

I decided to write you a little letter, just in case you have missed me. Because I miss you too. I am buried in work. My superiors on the engagement I'm on (bank audit) resigned so I'm the new team lead. Now I have worked on a bank audit before but I've not led one. And I have two ways to look at this...1. As a set up (this is the one that comes to mind a lot) and 2. As an opportunity. (this is the one that I have chosen) understandably its either I sink or swim. Pls send some "floaters" my way (in form of prayers) cos sometimes I may need it.

I have bags under my eyes ehn! And I miss my mama (been living in a hotel) and I'm putting on weight (no time to go to the gym and 18hr work days).

How's everyone doing. T. Notes don't be upset with me please. Nife how far, Blessing, hope ure well.

And thanks for the comments on all my posts. A lot of them make me shy. *blush* and ill try to comment more. Although I'm not sure how long it will take me to get through the 1000plus new items in my google reader.

And how is everyone else? I promised to be better this year. Oh well, I'm trying.

P.s. I am thankful to God. There's so much peace in my heart you wouldn't believe it. And I'm happy too. Who woulda thought ? ;)


*back to work and tins. Totally disregard the fact that it is 9.12 on a sunday evening. I don't even know what todays date is*

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Count on Me

Last night, i got in from work at about 1.30am. When I got in the sterility of my hotel room assailed me and I began to feel pangs of loneliness. I went into the bathroom, turned to shower on and waited the prerequisite 15 seconds for the hot water to come through. Last night though, while I was waiting I decided to turn the TV on. Normally, i'd turn on some music and go into the shower but I'm glad I didn't. As I settled on my bed, I saw Whitney Houston's face come up on the television. Turns out that I had caught the last 15 or so minutes of Waiting To Exhale. I don't remember another movie that I have loved more. I couldn't help but grin to myself as I ran to the bathroom to turn the tap off so that once again I could experience the reason why I love the movie so much....the joy in true friendship.

I'd be the first to tell you that human by nature are fickle and selfish beings. Me, Me, Me FIRST!!! Me, Me, Me always right. But have you ever looked at someone and in that instant be struck with the realization that you could trust that person till kingdom come? And have you also realised that you could not trust another person with anything? Sad right?

As the movie reached its end, you see the four friends in the Mercedes that one of them won in her divorce, on their way to light that bonfire to usher in the new year. And my heart began to beat faster, tears rushed to my eyes as I remembered an 8 year old me, watching this movie for the first time, from behind the 3-seater because my mum had sent me to bed as it was past my bedtime and the movie wasn't for kids (sex scenes). I remembered the feeling from that first time, i experienced the joy and friendship at the end, as they counted down to Happy New Year, celebrating tears shed, men lost, battles won and love found. And I remembered an 8 year old me vowing that I'd always have that. Friends with whom I could laugh and cry with. Friends to tell my secrets and my plans.

As the credits rolled, and I snapped out of my reverie I realized that I had tears in my eyes. Not just because the movie always moves me, but because the 24 yr old me realized that the world isn't what it was in 1995 and that I wasn't 8 years old anymore. And frankly it hurt. No, its not that I do not have just something else. Something that I cannot explain, something that I am a part of. I guess you get as good as you give, or maybe not anymore, or maybe not ever. But I realize how aloof, distant and secretive I have become. I also realize how much I portray myself as uncaring and unfeeling. I also realise that it is no longer a conscious action. It has become a way of life. Someone said to me the other day that "you seem like the sort that never forgives" and I shrugged and said "whatever". Looking back now, i realize that the old me would have been quick to debunk that statement. But this me was ok with it. And I remember a mantra that I often recited to myself at some point. "Never forget, never forgive". Has that become true for me? I'd like to say that I think not.

So have I changed? Or has the world changed? It seems like we're all too busy satisfying ourselves, our needs, fronting for each other and not seeing each other at all. And even while I am berating humanity for this, I realize that too quickly are friendships formed these days. We're all too eager to find something in common with the next person and its either that or nothing. Long forgotten are the early stages of friendships, the building of solid foundations. The truth is that friendships take time and effort. And it requires more than conversations about the new Gucci handbag or your last holiday, or my favourite new conversation starter. "Yo! Weekend plans"?

I don't know, maybe I am being too hard on myself. Or maybe, just maybe the world has always been like this. And such friendships exist, but only in my all time favourite movies, in their soundtracks and in my 8 yr old mind.

And maybe, just maybe, you and I can take a chance, and say to each other...."You can count on me".


#np: The entire Waiting to Exhale soundtrack

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I do not choose to BE happy. Today I choose happiness

Once upon a time I sought happiness like it was a prize to be won. I ran after it. Half crazed like, like Will Smith from the movie, searching for someone to buy his damned machines. Trying and failing. I took care to question every situation, and it was always the same one. Am I happy here? Failing to understand that although I had grasped the general context that my happiness was my responsibility, I wasn't to run after it like it was going anywhere. You see, with every "today I choose to be happy" I chanted to myself, a mantra which I picked up from if I remember correctly, the diary of Anne Frank, the happiness I so craved slipped farther and farther away from me. As if sensing my desperation and deigning to show me the appropriate amount of pepper I probably deserved for simply refusing to let things be, happiness refused to show its mischievous face. Oh sure enough I knew it was present, but I just couldn't see it. Unclear glimpses here and there, a faint echo of its voice in the wind, you know, that sort of thing.

And one day I stopped looking. Even then I did not know that I was doing what I was meant to do. I stopped looking and happiness found me. It muscled its way into my mouth to change my voice tones, into my eyes to brighten up my smile and into my heart, for hope and all things good. It showed me that it wasn't in the gra gra i was doing all along, but in my simple surrender. In my acceptance that "fate can only be altered by the will of heaven" and hence all my worrying and struggling were most likely for naught.

If you come here regularly, you may wonder at my fixation with happiness. Or maybe if like me you have gone through pain and depression and heartache you may understand why I cannot stop talking about this incredible gift. So if right now, you're in the place where I was months ago, I just want to say to you that it will pass, but only if you let it be. Trust me.

These days, I tell anyone who cares to listen that I am blissfully happy. No I aint got a man (if that's what you're thinking) and neither is it an invitation to bid :-|. I say that happiness hunted me down till it caught me and secured itself securely around me and my heart. J

np: Dare you to move ~ Switchfoot.

Special shoutout to my girl @shadelicious and a simple prayer that God will make perfect anything that concerns you. And the journey you're about to embark on will always give you joy.

Peace and Love,

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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The One I didn't post in 2010 and protecting my heart

I'm perhaps 30,000feet above ground level as I write this post. No I am not high, although I kinda wish I am because in as much as I love flying, delayed flights blow majorly. The monitor above me told me so. See I am on my way to London. Although I wont send this post until I actually get there, I feel really cool sitting in my first class with my laptop open, typing this post . nothing to be excited about. I was upgraded and its Royal Air Maroc. See wetin shant gree do me but there's no way in hell (which for now is Lagos, considering the heat and the traffic) that I was gonna pay 278k for a virgin atlantic economy ticket. So when my travel agent suggested the airline, i nearly kissed my mind I did sha and this way I can say that I have been to Casablanca (talk to the hand smiley for anyone that says otherwise. Thats my story and I am sticking to it). Anyways back to 30,000 feet. A second ago, I looked out of the window and onto the desert below and I am still here marvelling. Its not like I haven't seen desert before o! But i have never noticed it as I have this. I am in awe of the vastness and the beauty that is the desert below me. The ridges in the sand. In my imagination I can feel the sand sticking to my face, my skin made slick by sweat, the heat making me want to run around naked. The desert has inspired me so because I am reminded of the awesomeness of God's Hand. The ability to create such naked and vibrant beauty. Untamed by man.

Travel further down into the mountains and I see the snow tipped peaks. And from u here i wish I could reach out, do a mr incredible and touch a tip. Will I feel perfection?

This has inspired me so because it appears that somewhere in my quest to heal my hurting heart and cure the aching despair that sometimes fills me, I forgot about the beauty and perfection which God creates. And I am thankful for my decision to take this trip.

I am searching for something. I am not searching for it in a location, no. I am searching for it in my heart. But it was necessary for me to take my heart out of the place I was in. Breathe new air, take long walks with music in my ears, see the smile of strangers. (lagosians are an aggressive lot u know. Lagosians are not smiling). But I needed to get away. And I am thankful . Oh so thankful. For the reminder that He can perfect that which concerns me.
See post on 1 Jan 2011

Protecting my heart.
Its nice and new and shiny. Not like a toy, but as a gift in place of sadness and despair. A well won prize, undeserved but granted nonetheless. I am not protecting my heart from love, far be it from me to do that. Afterall, love gave it to me. I am protecting it from anyone who would not handle with care. This heart will be stronger than the other. For it understands that where it has been placed once housed pain. There will be no more falling...not that I can predict the future or assume even for a moment that it may not happen. But I will be more careful this time and grow into that love. And if its love, it will wait for me.

But firstly, do you know Heather Headley's "If it wasn't for your love" ? I'm dedicating that to God.
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Saturday, January 1, 2011

Yes....old things have passed away.

I came to London looking for answers. Answers to still the turbulence in my mind and to be a balm for y aching heart. I came, searching for meaning, for purpose. I came for the hopes that the frigid winter air may drive the cobwebs away. Did I come looking for love? Definitely. I came hoping to fall in love with life and nature and beauty. That was the pot I wanted at the end of my rainbow. So I emptied my bank account, paid a ridiculous amount of money for a winter ticket and got on a plane to London.

If you've been following this blog then you must know that I was in a really bad place during the last quarter of 2010. And in the midst of all that, i lost hope and my faith in love. I lost my way.

But tonight I found it. That which I travelled so far for. Clarity. It was right there in the arms of the Father who never once let go. The healing I craved. And as tears fell from my eyes, I felt my heart fall into place. Not the old tattered and torn one, a new one. And with it came something else. The hope I thought I needed a reminder tattooed on me for. The hope I'd lost.

And I know now, that love will find me, and love will stay with me.

Happy new year