Saturday, August 13, 2011

I deserve it

Over the past few weeks, or months even, I have been reminded of how much God loves me. I have also been reminded of how unfaithful I am. Firstly, by default. After all I'm human, but then secondly in particular, as just me, Abimbola. My own personal brand of unfaithfulness. To myself, and to God.

I realized that I have wronged myself in so many ways, so many injustices done by me, against me. I have cheated myself and in doing so, cheated God. Far be it from me to tell you the many ways I have sold myself short, accepting less for myself, believing that it was enough. But I have, and now I have decided to change.

I don't know if any of you have read Lauren W's (can't remember the spelling) "Chasing Harry Winston". If you have or not, there's a part in the book where someone got engaged and told her friends that she thought the ring was too big. Then one of her friends replied that "if you think it's too big then you don't deserve it". That struck a chord within me. Looking at me or listening to me speak, you'd never imagine the de insecurities that used to lie within. I'm saying used to because it was only until recently that I began to embrace them, or recognize them for what they are. And being able to do that is a huge step for me.

I was speaking to someone recently about this boy I've been seeing and about how it isn't a love match. And he asked me what I wanted. I said love first, and then everything else. He laughed in my face and said I was greedy and jokingly said that he prays that I find love. I wasn't angry. Just baffled. Am I expected to settle? If I am, is it just me, or is it everyone as well. The recently defeated insecurities rose to the surface. But then I remembered...
I deserve it, nothing is too big for me, and definitely not too big for God.