Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I do not choose to BE happy. Today I choose happiness

Once upon a time I sought happiness like it was a prize to be won. I ran after it. Half crazed like, like Will Smith from the movie, searching for someone to buy his damned machines. Trying and failing. I took care to question every situation, and it was always the same one. Am I happy here? Failing to understand that although I had grasped the general context that my happiness was my responsibility, I wasn't to run after it like it was going anywhere. You see, with every "today I choose to be happy" I chanted to myself, a mantra which I picked up from if I remember correctly, the diary of Anne Frank, the happiness I so craved slipped farther and farther away from me. As if sensing my desperation and deigning to show me the appropriate amount of pepper I probably deserved for simply refusing to let things be, happiness refused to show its mischievous face. Oh sure enough I knew it was present, but I just couldn't see it. Unclear glimpses here and there, a faint echo of its voice in the wind, you know, that sort of thing.

And one day I stopped looking. Even then I did not know that I was doing what I was meant to do. I stopped looking and happiness found me. It muscled its way into my mouth to change my voice tones, into my eyes to brighten up my smile and into my heart, for hope and all things good. It showed me that it wasn't in the gra gra i was doing all along, but in my simple surrender. In my acceptance that "fate can only be altered by the will of heaven" and hence all my worrying and struggling were most likely for naught.

If you come here regularly, you may wonder at my fixation with happiness. Or maybe if like me you have gone through pain and depression and heartache you may understand why I cannot stop talking about this incredible gift. So if right now, you're in the place where I was months ago, I just want to say to you that it will pass, but only if you let it be. Trust me.

These days, I tell anyone who cares to listen that I am blissfully happy. No I aint got a man (if that's what you're thinking) and neither is it an invitation to bid :-|. I say that happiness hunted me down till it caught me and secured itself securely around me and my heart. J

np: Dare you to move ~ Switchfoot.

Special shoutout to my girl @shadelicious and a simple prayer that God will make perfect anything that concerns you. And the journey you're about to embark on will always give you joy.

Peace and Love,

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The One I didn't post in 2010 and protecting my heart

I'm perhaps 30,000feet above ground level as I write this post. No I am not high, although I kinda wish I am because in as much as I love flying, delayed flights blow majorly. The monitor above me told me so. See I am on my way to London. Although I wont send this post until I actually get there, I feel really cool sitting in my first class with my laptop open, typing this post . nothing to be excited about. I was upgraded and its Royal Air Maroc. See wetin shant gree do me but there's no way in hell (which for now is Lagos, considering the heat and the traffic) that I was gonna pay 278k for a virgin atlantic economy ticket. So when my travel agent suggested the airline, i nearly kissed him...in my mind I did sha and this way I can say that I have been to Casablanca (talk to the hand smiley for anyone that says otherwise. Thats my story and I am sticking to it). Anyways back to 30,000 feet. A second ago, I looked out of the window and onto the desert below and I am still here marvelling. Its not like I haven't seen desert before o! But i have never noticed it as I have this. I am in awe of the vastness and the beauty that is the desert below me. The ridges in the sand. In my imagination I can feel the sand sticking to my face, my skin made slick by sweat, the heat making me want to run around naked. The desert has inspired me so because I am reminded of the awesomeness of God's Hand. The ability to create such naked and vibrant beauty. Untamed by man.

Travel further down into the mountains and I see the snow tipped peaks. And from u here i wish I could reach out, do a mr incredible and touch a tip. Will I feel perfection?

This has inspired me so because it appears that somewhere in my quest to heal my hurting heart and cure the aching despair that sometimes fills me, I forgot about the beauty and perfection which God creates. And I am thankful for my decision to take this trip.

I am searching for something. I am not searching for it in a location, no. I am searching for it in my heart. But it was necessary for me to take my heart out of the place I was in. Breathe new air, take long walks with music in my ears, see the smile of strangers. (lagosians are an aggressive lot u know. Lagosians are not smiling). But I needed to get away. And I am thankful . Oh so thankful. For the reminder that He can perfect that which concerns me.
See post on 1 Jan 2011

Protecting my heart.
Its nice and new and shiny. Not like a toy, but as a gift in place of sadness and despair. A well won prize, undeserved but granted nonetheless. I am not protecting my heart from love, far be it from me to do that. Afterall, love gave it to me. I am protecting it from anyone who would not handle with care. This heart will be stronger than the other. For it understands that where it has been placed once housed pain. There will be no more falling...not that I can predict the future or assume even for a moment that it may not happen. But I will be more careful this time and grow into that love. And if its love, it will wait for me.

But firstly, do you know Heather Headley's "If it wasn't for your love" ? I'm dedicating that to God.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Yes....old things have passed away.

I came to London looking for answers. Answers to still the turbulence in my mind and to be a balm for y aching heart. I came, searching for meaning, for purpose. I came for clarity...in the hopes that the frigid winter air may drive the cobwebs away. Did I come looking for love? Definitely. I came hoping to fall in love with life and nature and beauty. That was the pot I wanted at the end of my rainbow. So I emptied my bank account, paid a ridiculous amount of money for a winter ticket and got on a plane to London.

If you've been following this blog then you must know that I was in a really bad place during the last quarter of 2010. And in the midst of all that, i lost hope and my faith in love. I lost my way.

But tonight I found it. That which I travelled so far for. Clarity. It was right there in the arms of the Father who never once let go. The healing I craved. And as tears fell from my eyes, I felt my heart fall into place. Not the old tattered and torn one, a new one. And with it came something else. The hope I thought I needed a reminder tattooed on me for. The hope I'd lost.

And I know now, that love will find me, and love will stay with me.

Happy new year