Monday, February 22, 2010

Only ever been you

its only ever been you. I know how saying this might seem incongruous to you dear reader, pitiful perhaps, but see it as you must. Saying stuff like that might imply that you have been with someone for eons. But when you've had years of something different, one other thing seems like a lifetime. Perhaps therein lies my favourite question, "where were we before our lives began?". This life not as you would think it to be, say perhaps the existence of breath in one's lungs. But the life which you start when u feel something in you has changed. That point when you feel something is different. Lest I stray too far from my course, hold on tight.

I am lying in my bed, naked and its past midnight. I'd put the time to be somewhere close to 1am, due to the number of times the generator has gone on and off. Yeah #lightupnigeria. Anyways I'm here struggling for sleep and just before I drift off, the words "its always been you" came to my mind. And I have this urge to tell him. Not in a please come back or I die way. Past that stage already thank you very much. But in a "just so you know" way. Because my life began the first time I said "I love you".

When a relationship ends, people expect you to just jump up and continue living, as if scaling over that last speed bump in the road. And not even those mountain high ones, where u feel the entire innards of ur car are gonna fall out. But those really low ones that I feel are there just so u feel the government have tried for u and if u don't slow down, well...whatever happens. Sorry again I meander off.... But my point is people expect u too just move on. Like words weren't said, feelings felt, hands held or tears wept.

What exactly I'm meant to be writing about, I don't even know. I'm not really sure. My first thought was to send u a message. But that may have been too personal, even if it is personal. So this. I'm reading this book called "the other side of the story" and although its lovely, its not holding my attention. Not the way you always did, especially with that funny formless number one and only dance step. (Its a cross between at least five others if u haven't seen it). But do I miss you, yes I do. Sometimes its easy, sometimes its not. And if I didn't chat with you sometimes, I'd pretend to myself that you were dead. Not that I want that to happen. Didn't even think it. Long live the King.

So I'm still here, forcing myself to sleep (no valium for me please). And I know when I finally do, ill be thinking the same thing. its only ever been you.

xxx

B
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Its Night, and my heart is in Lagos

It is 9.30pm in the city of Lagos as I walk down the steps of my office building on the way to the parking lot. Outside the sky is like black satin with occasional flashes of lightning in the distance signaling the coming of rain to the island. As I settle into my car, I am grateful to God for this night, like every other night. For although I have seen over eight thousand nights in my lifetime, each one is different from the last, and each one ushers in a better morning. Each night tells a different story, some days the stories are funny and other days the stories are serious. Some days, the stories are wistful and filled with longing, and other days the stories are hurried. But in every night are some things that do not change. For at night I can see what others may never see and hear what others may never hear. I see the weathered faces of the gatemen and their relief because at last they can rest their tired bones. In my imagination, I see the mischief on the face of the white cat that resides in the parking lot because finally she can come out to play without anyone shooing her away.

As I drive out of the office and away from the security lights, the darkness envelops me in its tantalizing satiny folds and I resent having to turn my headlamps on. I sigh in relief as I settle deeper into the seat, the leather caressing my skin because I have taken my jacket off. I turn the music on and 'Light Years Away' by Mozella is playing. The music soothes away all the remaining anxiety I may have taken with me out of the office. I ease the car onto Bourdillon road, where the streetlamps are working and the road is smooth as a baby's bottom. Ahh the stage is set for me to dream.

At Night, I am free to dream. Not the dreams of one who is asleep, but the one of someone who is wide awake and knows the things they want. Not the unattainable dreams of someone who goes through life dreaming and not doing, but those of someone who strives to achieve, and achieves their dreams. Yes I am such a dreamer and the night gives me leave to dream. Night takes away every thought of impossibility from my mind and tells me that as surely as it must fall that my dreams will come true.

At Night I am free from the soot and sounds from Buses and Okada riders. I am free from street hawkers trying to coerce me into buying things I neither want nor need. I see shop owners closing down for the day and in my mind I can hear their sighs of relief. The struggle of the day is over and whether they have sold anything or not, they can go to their beds. I hear them calling out to each other, wishing each other a good night and praying for dreams of a better tomorrow. You see, they can only do this when night falls. The relief I can see all around me is mirrored on the faces of Sex sellers and night security guards for night gives them the opportunity to earn a living. Even the madman is grateful for nightfall, for the drop in temperature to ease the burning from walking barefooted all day, grateful for the respite of the madness as he finds solace in sleep.

At night I can hear the sounds of music, the food of my soul. Music from within and that of the outside. I hear the music my soul sings for it rejoices. I hear the music my heart sings, because it is happy. It is night and I am restored. I hear the music on the outside. The music of crickets and frogs. The music from the constant 'whoosh' as cars speed by me to their respective destinations and those from bars just opening up for business. I swear that I can almost hear the stars tinkle as they twinkle. It is night and anything is possible.

So as I drive home to my bed, I dream, and I smile as I do so. I listen for the music for I know it will come. This is night, it is in me, and I am in it.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Thursday, February 4, 2010

AIJUSWANARITE

i love it when people love what i write. I love it more when they can identify with the stories i tell. the little things that make us human.

i may not always put together a coherent sentence,nor always have d right words. but from d pen that writes those words flows blood from my heart.

I write what my heart asks me to write. words that rile and rape, savor and soothe, a melody if u can hear it. i write words that plunder and caress, sometimes lacking in form but never in fit. Always telling, and showing, never confusing nor misleading.

Let me write words to frame your soul. Let me write words to sift through your pain. Let me write the things you cannot say. i'll take your hurt and make it mine, for in that way they'll flow through this heart of mine and out through my words.
For in that moment, when i write, you'll heal.

Thank you
Abi

Die Young or Live Forever

~do you really want to live forever~ The last line of that amazing song by Jay- Z and Mr Hudson.

Lately I havent been myself. Depression? maybe, maybe not. But i have been thinking about the futility of it all. Of loving and living. We are all gonna die someday right? Either by being hit by a bus, by being shot, by eating poison, being sick, or dying of old age. Everything we strive for, ending at death. Man must eat, man must die. But even if I had the choice between dying young or living forever, what would I choose?

When I thought about writing this post, I didnt know what to write, or how I was going to write it, perhaps as with most of my posts. Anyways i took a poll on twitter. Thanks twit fam. And perhaps 90% of the people that responded wanted to live forever. And my question is why? Although I cannot answer for them, i can say that I dont wanna live forever. I'd rather die young thank you.(if those two are my only options).

I'd rather die young because I'd always be remembered the waay i was when i was young, carefree, thinking of nothing but the next party, the next bottle of champagne, the next hot man i'd shag, the next proper meal i'd eat, and the next falling in love i'd fall. I'd only care about hanging with my friends, sharing, caring. Loving hard and fast. yes loving. i'd rule my own world. And when i die, i'd be remembered just so. With light in my hair, sun on my face, and laughter in my eyes.

In my own opinion, as humans, even the most responsible of us dont like to be burdened with responsibility. We like the idea of it but not the burden it represents. Wtf do I wanna be tied down with a husband, three kids and four homes? Wtf do I need to be head of  corporation for? wouldnt it get old? living perpetually and doing all these things, and with everything going on in the world right now? nah love. how about we on to the next.

Remember me as I was, when I was me, and you were you. When I wasnt hurting so bad. When my eyes were brighter, my steps surer. Remember me when my laughter started from my tummy and not now when i'm actually tempted to say "LOL" in place of actually laughing out loud.

Remember me forever, young.

#np: Young Forever ~  Jay- Z ft Mr Hudson

Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1nbvplgElw

p.s. i know all the words in this song :D