Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Disquiet Within

Happiness, that sometimes elusive mark. shifting and shapeshifting.
Until it seems that one has spent an entire lifetime trying to find
and keep happiness. A friend asked me recently how I was feeling. I
had only one word for him....I said that there's is a disquiet within.
Funny thing is that I have never used that word before. Of that I can
assure you. So where it came from I do not know, exactly. But it was
apt for me.

I am searching. For myself. For happiness to replace this disquiet.
For life and laughter to shine through. I would tell me to stop
searching and just be happy but I am of a certainty that I have not
quite learned how to just be. I am constantly asking myself questions.
What do I really wanna do with my life? Is this going the way it
should go? Am i really happy or am I stitching together patches of
good moments and trying to make them into the fabric that I will one
day call my life? I used to be this focused, driven person. With a
sense of purpose. But I've realised recently that I have lost myself
along the way. And now I'm mostly scared.

I want to take some time out for myself and just be me. But who am I?
How can I be myself when I do not even know who I am?

And when I die what will they say of me? "Wife", "Mother","sister" and
"daughter"? Is that all that should be said of me? Shouldn't there be
more? A lot of people go through life and are the end that's all they
are remembered as.

I want more.

Sent from my mobile device

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dis-Virgining Me? & the idiot Nigerian mentality

It took me almost two days to get from London heathrow to Lagos MM. And no I wasnt jogging. It was all thanks to Virgin Atlantic airways and its recent romance with tardiness. That and the fact that the flight was riddled with several unfortunate events such as people with numerous pieces of overweight hand luggage even though the airline's allowance for each passenger is one piece weighing not more than 6kg!, people being escorted off the plane, old women with heart problems and sever allergic reactions e.t.c.Total on-board time? 12hours. While this should deter me from flying virgin atlantic ever again, it hasnt because inasmuch as it sucks ass, Virgin Atlantic flies directly to London and they are very apologetic and very rewarding. Free miles and such.

Now about this idiot Nigerian mentality. When it seemed like we would not be able to fly on the first night, this Nigerian man stood up and started yelling "Nigerian, lets talk to ourselves. our greed will not put us in trouble, yada yada yada." At this point i got pissed off. Like really, he forgot that the flight was delayed, forgot the issues that were no fault "the Nigerians" but went on to blame "the Nigerians". And i'm like, you retard! so quick to put the blame on yourself, so used to oppression and discrimination that you automatically assume that you are to blame. While the white man looks at you with pity and decides that "yes you are to blame. thank you for accepting the blame before i even try to cast it".

That incident made me think. And the product of that was the conclusion that as long as we continue to cast ourselves in the wrong light, we will always be ridiculed and mocked by onlookers. Lets air our dirty linen in public no longer but seek to sort out our problems internally.

I dont know, those are my thoughts on the matter sha.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Love according to Mr Shakespeare and I

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Me and my boyfriend split up. One would think that after one month and in a totally different country that it would be easier to say. It is not. I do not harbour anger or hate or noting. Just sadness. That is all... Breakups are hard enough on their own, without it being a mutual decision due to circumstances beyond the both of you. It is not easier and i do not see the bright side. But sometimes i understand. Those sometimes make it easier...sometimes.  But other times they make it harder. Then i stop understanding altogether.

I always played about with the notion of "the one". And perhaps i once not too long ago thot that i had found the one. Until I really found him. The one man for me. And for me that was it. No excuses, no explanations. Nothing apart from the feeling that this was the person i had looked for all my life. even when i didnt know I was looking. I know some of you will say i shouldnt speak like that and that there'll be someone better, more loving and without the complications. I do not doubt that. But right now, respect me enough not to doubt this.

Some days i feel like i have swallowed more than i can chew with this one. And the thought of moving on makes me sick to my here i stand, still loving him, because nothing else makes sense. And because, like my man Shakespeare said, "love is not love which alters when it alteration finds"

To my baby, for all the times you brushed my hair away from my face and whispered in my ear ..."where have you been all my life? why didnt i find you sooner?"

I miss you everyday, and I see you in everything. And i pray for one more day, just one more hour tell you that if re-incarnation is possible, ill find you next time. because two lifetimes without you will surely be too painful for one soul to bear.