I was broken and now I am mended. I was adrift but now I found an anchor. But at what cost? The truth is I've realised that I feel nothing. Neither for the one I always feel I'm leaving behind nor for the one I'm returning to. Is it that I have trained myself not to feel and have finally become the person I was pretending to be for so long? Again, at what cost?
26th January: ok let me rephrase. I feel. But I have learnt to isolate those feelings. Like someone hiding from something happening right in front of them. Last night I realised that I have become selfish with my happiness. Very protective of my sanity. In ways I never was. I have learnt to replace people as soon as they leave. Or as soon as I leave. I have done a lot of leaving lately. Running? You decide.
1 February : the bad part is that I cannot write. I think my ability to stemmed from the fact that I used to be very giving. I'd hand myself over. Open, willing, unashamed. That much has changed. I am guarded. I am the gatekeeper. Overlooking what? Myself? that must be it. My quest is for a spotless mind. Someone called me tortured yesterday. By myself is what he said. Self-torture may very well be your downfall. Or it may save you. You torture yourself by holding back. What hurts more?
What hurts more?
Its the trusting. I don't. Not in the way that you think. I have no time for such foolishness. I just trust humans to fail. So I am prepared for it. Foolproof plan in my opinion. Can you tell even now that there's things I am not saying? Does it make me sound less sincere than I should?v the only reason I'm writing now is so that I can maybe free some space in my mind. But I'm spending too much time trying not to say what I really want to say.
And in front of it all is a smile that doesn't belong to me and the same words said over and over again. I am fine. Great actually.
Now playing : Come back when you can - Barcelona
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