Wednesday, December 22, 2010

too big and too dark, this world

Its been a long year. I remember writing a similar post last year, celebrating the end of 2009 and knowing that those times would never come again. How quickly time flies.

Its past 2am and I'm in bed, the lights are off and I've just turned the TV off. But I can still feel a faint wetness on my cheek from tears i cried a few minutes ago. Do you watch One Tree Hill? I hope you do. Anyways its season 8 and I just finished the episode where Quinn tells Clay while he is the hospital that she can't live without him. She says that the world is too big and too dark without him. I know its only TV and someone wean this crazy child off OTH but I do understand what she meant because not so long ago I said those same words.

I'll be the first person to tell you that everyone can be happy on their own. Most definitely yes. But I will also be the first person to admit to you that once you have been in love, once you have had the privilege of having that love returned, life after that is never the same. And the loneliness in your heart that you try so hard to deny or to assuage with something else, sex, music, new clothes, new places, new people etc, never really goes away.This is not to say that you are not happy, of course you are. Especially when you nod your head in affirmation and say it with conviction. Yes I am...lol..but its there. In that sentence.

I don't even know where I'm at right now. Everything seems exactly the same. But a major change has occured. You see, whenever anyone said to me that love is not enough, I just shook my head and said it was. What else is there afterall. I no longer believe. Everything has changed. And that sadness in my laugh tells me that that childlike belief and trust I had for and in this world is all gone. That zest to find the all perfect , all consuming. Its gone. I should be happy right? But all I have is the feeling that I came to this class to late. And that is the part that really sucks.

Monday, November 29, 2010

"With tired eyes, tired hopes and a tired heart, I slept"

Sometimes we give up. Sometimes it hurts too much to keep on trying....especially when so much has happened. Seemingly insurmountable odds... and with a resignation in your heart, you raise that white flag. With palms bruised from holding on, eyes tired from keeping watch, you silently give up. With hopes spent and a heart hurting from longing, you inwardly acknowledge that perhaps this is too much. And even as you wordlessly accept defeat, walking away from the scene, leaving everything behind, you cant stop yourself from crawling right back and taking some of it with you. A reminder, no matter how flawed, of things best left behind, but not forgotten. Never forgotten.


Always,

Abimbola

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Days of Destiny

There was a day when I laughed till I felt my innards were gonna fall out. That was a good day. There was also a day when I cried like my innards were gonna fall out. That was also a good day. You might ask why it was...well I'lll tell you. Those were the days when I felt more alive than ever. The ability to feel something so acutely that it draws such pure and primitive emotion from within.

These days I rarely have that. Not because I don't want to, or that there aren't things to laugh or cry about. But there's none that has made my knees weak, that has caused my heart to flutter and my eyes to squeeze themselves shut. Oh scratch that. There was such a day recently. That day I had to make a decision. The weight of it nearly brought me to my knees. The pain stopped my heart and blocked my ears. I typed the words witthout really seeing them. But I felt alive.

I am not here to celebrate pain. Only to find out if you know when you're alive. Have you in any moment felt that tingle? the hairs at the back of your neck rising, telling you that something is happening. How do you know that you are alive? Is it because you pinch your skin and feel pain? Or is there some other way?

Recently I've had to throw old dreams away and re-invent new ones. But I realise that the new ones are the ones which have been there all along. And the help I have needed, I have had all along. And like the re-setting of broken bones there has been much pain. But I am alive and I know it.

And I know without a doubt that these are the days of destiny.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Thankful

I tried to write a litttle introduction to this. To tell you how long a year its been. How i've struggled with my own personal issues, as well as the issues that life has gifted me with. But i wont write that because it is mostly irrelevant, Becasue now i choose to look past it all and instead see God's hand. And of that, I am thankful.

I read neefemi's post today (Happy belated birthday sugar. I'll call you soon) and I was inspired to do this (especially as my last few posts have been all gloom and doom) ...

Lessons:
This year has taught me a lot. It has taught me that people come and go and you can either sit down and wail about it or you can accept that frienships dont always last and that some people are only meant to be there for a while and that you can cherish it and hold the memories close. Recently I asked someone if she missed me at all...her reply was "hi". At first that hurt, then it didnt. Becasue i understood. I have also learned that although i have become jaded and less willing to give of myself, that in time I may return to the way I once was. This year has taught me to be sufficient for me. To draw strength from myself. And trust me i learnt that lesson the hard way. I have also learnt that not everyone wants what is best for you, even if you want whats best for them. I have learnt to look for healing in the right places, to keep my mouth shut when i need to and to scream for help when I'm drowning. I have learned to appreciate the good in others ....and to also appreciate the bad. Man is not a perfect being....apparently. kmt..I have learned to laugh even harder and to smile even wider. Because sometimes, just sometimes, even when the smile did not start from the pit my belly, that eventually it will reach downwards into it. And that sometimes, a fake smile is ok. Just so that the people around you dont have to worry too much.

Music:
I dont think i can ever completely write about my love for music and the healing and hope it brings me.

Beauty:
A lotta people say i'm vain. I say i'm appreciative. I am thankful for my looks. Not just because of me. But because my pretty smile also causes others to smile. Isnt that reason enough?

Remembrance :
You know that feeling when someone just remembers you and decides to check up on you? I am thankful for that. A old friend did that yesterday. And I was floored. I miss you dear friend. But days like yesterday remind me that it is worth it. And that after so long, you still know how to make me smile. I love you.

Scented candles and Personal space:
Of late, my bedroom has become my sanctuary. the place where I de-stress and replenish. The bed head is lined with about 16 glass bowls of scented candles. From peach to lemon to green tea.



And to God, who has for now, blessed me with these, I am thankful.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Disquiet Within

Happiness, that sometimes elusive mark. shifting and shapeshifting.
Until it seems that one has spent an entire lifetime trying to find
and keep happiness. A friend asked me recently how I was feeling. I
had only one word for him....I said that there's is a disquiet within.
Funny thing is that I have never used that word before. Of that I can
assure you. So where it came from I do not know, exactly. But it was
apt for me.

I am searching. For myself. For happiness to replace this disquiet.
For life and laughter to shine through. I would tell me to stop
searching and just be happy but I am of a certainty that I have not
quite learned how to just be. I am constantly asking myself questions.
What do I really wanna do with my life? Is this going the way it
should go? Am i really happy or am I stitching together patches of
good moments and trying to make them into the fabric that I will one
day call my life? I used to be this focused, driven person. With a
sense of purpose. But I've realised recently that I have lost myself
along the way. And now I'm mostly scared.

I want to take some time out for myself and just be me. But who am I?
How can I be myself when I do not even know who I am?

And when I die what will they say of me? "Wife", "Mother","sister" and
"daughter"? Is that all that should be said of me? Shouldn't there be
more? A lot of people go through life and are the end that's all they
are remembered as.

I want more.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dis-Virgining Me? & the idiot Nigerian mentality

It took me almost two days to get from London heathrow to Lagos MM. And no I wasnt jogging. It was all thanks to Virgin Atlantic airways and its recent romance with tardiness. That and the fact that the flight was riddled with several unfortunate events such as people with numerous pieces of overweight hand luggage even though the airline's allowance for each passenger is one piece weighing not more than 6kg!, people being escorted off the plane, old women with heart problems and sever allergic reactions e.t.c.Total on-board time? 12hours. While this should deter me from flying virgin atlantic ever again, it hasnt because inasmuch as it sucks ass, Virgin Atlantic flies directly to London and they are very apologetic and very rewarding. Free miles and such.

Now about this idiot Nigerian mentality. When it seemed like we would not be able to fly on the first night, this Nigerian man stood up and started yelling "Nigerian, lets talk to ourselves. our greed will not put us in trouble, yada yada yada." At this point i got pissed off. Like really, he forgot that the flight was delayed, forgot the issues that were no fault "the Nigerians" but went on to blame "the Nigerians". And i'm like, you retard! so quick to put the blame on yourself, so used to oppression and discrimination that you automatically assume that you are to blame. While the white man looks at you with pity and decides that "yes you are to blame. thank you for accepting the blame before i even try to cast it".

That incident made me think. And the product of that was the conclusion that as long as we continue to cast ourselves in the wrong light, we will always be ridiculed and mocked by onlookers. Lets air our dirty linen in public no longer but seek to sort out our problems internally.

I dont know, those are my thoughts on the matter sha.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Love according to Mr Shakespeare and I

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Me and my boyfriend split up. One would think that after one month and in a totally different country that it would be easier to say. It is not. I do not harbour anger or hate or noting. Just sadness. That is all... Breakups are hard enough on their own, without it being a mutual decision due to circumstances beyond the both of you. It is not easier and i do not see the bright side. But sometimes i understand. Those sometimes make it easier...sometimes.  But other times they make it harder. Then i stop understanding altogether.

I always played about with the notion of "the one". And perhaps i once not too long ago thot that i had found the one. Until I really found him. The one man for me. And for me that was it. No excuses, no explanations. Nothing apart from the feeling that this was the person i had looked for all my life. even when i didnt know I was looking. I know some of you will say i shouldnt speak like that and that there'll be someone better, more loving and without the complications. I do not doubt that. But right now, respect me enough not to doubt this.

Some days i feel like i have swallowed more than i can chew with this one. And the thought of moving on makes me sick to my stomach...so here i stand, still loving him, because nothing else makes sense. And because, like my man Shakespeare said, "love is not love which alters when it alteration finds"


To my baby, for all the times you brushed my hair away from my face and whispered in my ear ..."where have you been all my life? why didnt i find you sooner?"

I miss you everyday, and I see you in everything. And i pray for one more day, just one more hour ...to tell you that if re-incarnation is possible, ill find you next time. because two lifetimes without you will surely be too painful for one soul to bear.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Tide That Left and Never Came Back

I can't write. Because I'm afraid ill let out too much. And that if I do, there'll be nothing else to hold me together.

I can't talk. Because it changes nothing.

Talking changes nothing.

P.s. My birthday is in 2days. And I wish I could sleep through it. Just another reminder of things I can't have.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What Youth Must Be

"I'm thinking the deepest definition of youth must be...life as yet untouched by tragedy...the loss of a great love" ...


Someone sent that to me yesterday and asked for my thoughts. I replied with "Eyes that have not seen pain and a heart that has not borne anguish. Lips that have yet to kiss a lover goodbye and arms that have yet to replace a loved one with a pillow. Mouth untouched by deep sighs of longing and a memory that does not hold dreams that were made to die."

I fear that my youth went away and left me behind... so here i stand, like Dorothy, clicking my heels for my return to a home that never was.
What are your thoughts on youth?

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

~to call from hands of above to lean on, wouldn't be good enough...for me no~

Losing the ability to write is one of the things i fear the most. When my mind is too clogged that i cant get the feelings out. That my heart refuses to connect with my head and i cant formulate the words. I want to write to capture the feeling of falling in love. I want to my words to make you feel the pain of heartbreak. I want you to feel the sting of opportunities missed, the terror of waiting at the bottom of a rainbow that never came, waiting at the port for a boat that never left its shores. The pain in erasing dreams that were never allowed to come true....

Can you feel that pull in your stomach; can you hear the heavy sounds of silence? Can you feel the choking in your throat? Can't you hear your heart stop, your eyelids filling with tears as you struggle to understand why. Can you feel yourself losing faith? Not just in God but in yourself...Do you remember the exact moment when happiness left? Can you see the struggling through eyes killed by pain and fear? Can you hear your silent screams? Can you feel that physical pain?

What do you do when you are at the edge of a bridge? Behind you is a steel wall that refuses to budge and in front of you is nothing but a endless sea of black, a ravine that you may never climb out from? What do you do when you have to struggle with second after second and still can't find your way to one minute? What do you do when the other side of the phone refuses to respond because it's meant to be for your own good? What do you do when once more is too much? When you struggle to replace reality with a dream, even one that doesn't quite fit,...because you know that you are only putting off the inevitable...

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Saturday, August 28, 2010

And a single "yo" took my troubles away

He's here. Almost by surprise. It's been almost 3months. Lord knows it hasn't been easy. I know that in about ten days I'll see the outside of the red boarding gate that takes away my happiness, but for now, I am at peace. Everything is well....with that seemingly simple unexpected 'Yo' from an MTN no.

Big thanks to Neefemi and Temite. God sent u both to me.

And to God, who has for now, blessed me with these.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Taking stock

Hey people, its exactly 39days to my birthday and as I have done every year since i turned 14, I am taking stock. This is the time when I evaluate myself with regards to the goals I set at the beginning of every new year/ birth anniversary. It is also at this time, that I evaluate the worth of the people around me. I make decisions concerning the people I have in my life at the moment, the ones I want to take into the new year, and the ones that must stay behind. I evaluate their influences, both positive or negative. I evaluate the supposed bonds that have been forged and decide which ones are strong enough to make it into the new year. While this may seem cold hearted at best, it is the time when I am most brutally honest with myself.

When I was younger, i'd draw up a list of the things I wanted for my birthday. As a child, it was almost always something I either imagined, saw on the tv or something whatever best friend of the moment had. As I got slightly older, I picked out my birthday presents from Argos catalogues. Then I'd draw up a list and give it to my father. Prices included. And as I got even older, I started decided at the beginnning of every new year, something I wanted to give myself for my birthday. Anyways, i'm doing the same now. Drawing up a list of all the little things that will make the next one year of my life insanely precious.

I want this book. If this was al i got, i'd be happy. Its quite old and hard to find, but there are a few copies on amazon n ebay. No new ones though. Ill take an old, wrinkled, used one.



Chateau Cos D'Estournel 1986 ; 1986 St Estephe 2eme Grand cru Classe; Wine from my birth year. How fitting


Audrey Hepburn Boxed Set (Couture Muse Collection, 80th Anniversary) I love old movies.


Louis Vuitton Aviator Bag; For this I can only dream. But its gorge, utterly and sinfully yummy, For this bag I will sell my right testicle. You know what I mean.



Godiva Luxurious Hamper ; Every human has a right to imported belgian chocolates at least once a year.


Black Calla Lily; My favourite flowers. A bouquet of 24 perfect black calla lillies. One for every year of my life so far.


600 thread count bedsheets. Because i'm worth even more.



Every girl should have real pearls.  I'd rather black


Ok..thats about it. At least for the major stuff...For some reason i cant go ack to align left so please forgive my centralized typing. Heaven knows I hate it.  Anyways, happy birthday in advance to me. Oh yeah...what I'm getting me is not on this list.  :D

Thursday, August 19, 2010

We Stay...., Aboko ku

"Will today be the day he sees me for who I truly am? will today be the day that he realises that I truly love him? Will today be the day he realises that I will not change? Will today be the day that he decides that it is me? Will it be today that he will finally see my selfless act of love? that he is meant to be with me? Will it be today that he falls in love with me?"

The above are the questions that as women , not all mind you....or perhaps maybe all, ask ourselves. The questions that we dont voice out, out of fear that the next person may see us as weak and scorn us for our lily liverdness. After all who is forcing you to stay? why dont you leave him?. I too have asked the same questions of another girl...forgetting that I have also asked her questions. When will he see.

All relationships are not easy, all relationships are unique says my friend Karima. She also says that the problem is that all men are demented. As aboko ku (s)  (Ruth. will die with/for my husband) all we do is love and love and love. When we choose, we choose. And then we stick to it. We fight for it. We make excuses for the men that cause us pain. We invest our hearts and souls and bodies into these relationships. We invest our time...all those hours that become days, and the days that become weeks, then months and then years. We carry the relationships on our shoulders and keep our pain private. Loving men that either dont know how to or are too scared to love back and dont seem to want to make up their minds. Thing is an aboko ku will only pick a man that wants her. He will love her and he will pick her she says. One day he will...she says. And his sporadic moments of love seem to make up for the other times.

Do not get me wrong, an Aboko ku does not have low self esteem. She is not the one that other men have rejected. Nope. She is the one that is queen among her peers. She is beautiful inside and outside. She is a strong woman. She will make any man proud. She will be a good wife. What do you want apart from a woman that will not leave you. She will cook your meals and keep your home. She will be a whore in the bedroom or any other place you need her to be. She will never cease to respect and honour. She will care for you and give you beautiful children. She will bring up those children to be the best that it will ever be possible for a child to be. Because she is the best that a woman can be.

She will pull her weight in the home. She will not be a doormat. She will defend you like a tigress would defend her young. She will love you. With love so pure and true. .....

The problem with an Aboko ku is that she has chosen. Simply that. We choose...and then we stay.

This morning I heard Zara's " Aboko ku" on the radio and I immediately put the words "no one can love you like i do, no one can treat you like I do. Aboko ku" as my BBM status. And aint that the truth.


Signed,

Aboko ku.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

EVERYBODY's FREE....(to use bleaching soap)

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2010....Use Bleaching Soap

If I offer you only one tip for the future, bleaching soap would be IT.

The long term benefits of bleaching have been proved by marketwomen whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable tan my own point of view.

I will dispense this advice now.....

Enjoy the power and beauty of bleaching soap..team it up with lacewigs. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of bleaching soap until you have aged. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how pale you really looked.

You are NOT as fine as you imagine.

You should worry about the future, because if you dont, you'll realise that your world will keep falling down on your head like standing under the unforgiving Lagos island rain with no umbrella, waiting for the next danfo bus that will take you to your office.

The real trouble in your life is the possibility that your rich friend will take away your girlfriend or that someone might take a photo of your peen and put it on twitter...that should blindside you anyday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Vex.

if anyone looks at you funny when you are driving, wind down your glass, show them your middle finger and cuss them out...chances are it will be a naval officer who willl then proceed to beat you up. In which case you may then proceed to sue them for N100million

Dont Sing...

...especially not if you sound like Macy Gray on speedcokecrack and please for the sake of your future children, not at a Project Fame audition.

Floss...

Spend a lot of money on yourself, buy expensive cars and jewellry. Eventually you could make a desperate young man's dreams come true by becoming his sugar mummy...or daddy.

Remember the compliments you receive are really lies and the insults you get are true definitions of your character.

Check your boyfriend's direct messages on twitter, facebook and his BBM, he might be getting bored of your ass. Check your girlfriend's family tree. That her uncle in abuja may not be on it.

Stretch...

You must feel guilty that you dont know what you want to do with your life. Your mates in their 20s are getting married to rich men, striking big on yahoo.com and earning fat salaries in blue chip companies. By the time they're 40, their kids would have graduated.

Get plenty of ice cream.

Observe your stretchmarks. They are here to stay.

Be cruel to your knees...trust me, wheelchair swag at 50 is the in thing.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont, maybe you'll dance yahooze or alanta on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever happens, beware of your mother in law...According to Africanmgic/Nollywood, she will always be the cause of all your problems. Dont congratulate youself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, so are everyone else's.

Look at your body, notice when the belly fat forms. embrace them with both palms and squeeze tightly, they are the greatest instruments you'll even own.

Dance...

Get a stripper's pole in your living room. Remember to keep the warranty card so you can a free replacement everytime your weight destroys it.

Read beauty magazines, even though thats suicidal.

Get to know your parents, ask your mom why your middle name is atutupoyoyo, perhaps it may be because she never bought you Barbie toys and your first make-up kit.

Be nice to your siblings; your pretty younger sister might finally allow you to carry her bags while she's shopping at the mall.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on.Invite them over for drinks and BOMBARD them with the problems you are facing whilst trying to get laid.

Live in Ikoyi once, but leave before it makes you ajebutter; live in Mushin once, but leave before it makes you pakororo.

Travel...

Accept certain inalienable truths; prices will rise, politicians will always be corrupt, your parents lied about the grades they got at school and you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, you got all As, that prices were reasonable, that politicians were noble and you missed your chances.

Insult your elders.

Expect a sugar parent to support you. You may end up with a trustfund, or maybe you'll have a wealthy bank account; but you'll never know when your own sugar loverpikin will run away with all your money.

By all means, please mess with your hair, drink lots of liquor and smoke lots of cigarettes. That way you'll age quickly.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it  is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the bleaching soap.



 .............................................................................................................................................................

Hey everyone, if you are not already following Playbackgenius on twitter, do it now. He never fails to make me smile. And yes you guessed it, we wrote this together. or rather he wrote this and i chipped in.

Thank you T.
...............................................................................................................................................................

The above is a very lovely adaptation of Bas Luhrmann's Everybody's Free..(to wear sunscreen).  listen to the real song here:

Everybody's Free

Monday, August 16, 2010

~~Dead men Can't Go Skinny Dipping~~

i'm smiling as I write this post. Maybe you'll understand why in a second....

I've always fancied myself as an adventurous person. But i guess i didnt realize how much, until now. So a bunch of us are off to SA in a couple of days and everyone else is so worried about what the food tastes like, what time the malls close, how much do you pay for transportation....you know..those kind of questions. And i'm sat here, blackberry in hand, and i am amused. I am amused because i just realised that I dont give a dinosaurs ripe egg about all these irrelevant things. Sure, its important to know how much things cost so that one doesnt get stranded...but then...

I realise that instead of being worried, i am excited. I am excited about eating different food, about seeing new places, about learning new things. I am excited because i will sit in a new bar, and try a new cocktail. I am excited because i will eat food that's different from mine. I know for a fact that I will either hate it, or love it. But I am excited nevertheless. I am excited because I will stay out late most likely partying and get up early the next morning. I am excited because I will buy a vuvuzuela even though the world cup is over. I am excited because I will see big bottomed women and take lots of pictures.

A lot of times we kill things that have potential to be amazing life changing experiences because we become overtaken by fear. Like dating that boy, or quitting that job, or cutting that long gorgeous hair, or going to that bar or singing that song or marrying that person....or simply living life. Sure we've all been burnt or had our fingers even mildly singed. but should that stop you? And if you get hurt again, or fail, or get a runny stomach or fall down flat on your face.....So what? It wont be the first time and it wont be the last....When we say "all i do is win..win..win.." do we understand that winning comes in different forms? and that what may seem like failure to yuou is actually a victory?....or that the point of the whole thing was just the experience and not the end result?

I see life in technicolour...like there's this huge disco light just above me and that sometimes the colour passes through me and I can only stop and stare at this wonder that is life. And I wanna try everything. And not once ...at least twice.

To quote Owl City from "On the Wing"

"I am going away, lost in a silent ballet, i'm dreaming youre out in the blue and i am right beside you, a way to take in the view/ late nights and early parades, still photos and noisy arcades, my darling we're both on the wing, look down and keep on singing and we can go anywhere....."

I dont know the relevance of that verse to this post :D. But it makes me feel like i'm holding hands with someone and we're twirling round and round in this amazing sea of colour..can you see it?

One day at a time. Enjoy what's in front of you. Stop blinking so that you will see.....

That you will see that all you need to do is take one chance, or two, or ten. Dead men can't snorkel, or bungee jump, or eat sushi(ewwww.), or go skinny dipping, or jump a hundred times just for the fun of it. Dead men can't try.

Have a lovely week.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Tuesday's Thoughts

~My bottom really hurts. I normally wouldnt be complaining as Wale normally gives me a rub down after my workouts, but of course, he doesnt touch my bum. So i'll have to wait till Superman returns. Which isnt such a bad thing. I guess. ~

~The absolute worst thing happened to me. I lost data. My phone memory card formatted itself (no backiup) and I lost a sizeable portion of my music library. I cried like a baby when that happened. If you know me, you'll know that my music is precious to me. I nurturre and protect and love. I couldnt believe it. Yes I deleted the back up as well. No I wasnt sleep-editing. I was changing laptops. Long story. Just cry for me argentina.~

~ A lot has been happening in my life lately. I have been quite an unhappy bunny (not that I wear "happy bunny" well...i am afterall 70% melancholic. Then I somehow forgot how to write (i think this was the worst part) and then I was listening to Matthew Ryan's "Return to Me" on thursday and I started crying uncontrollably. That went on for a bit. But I think the crying was good for me. Long overdue actually, especially with all the stuff i'd been bottling up. But I'm good now. Apparently, there are problems that are bigger than mine. But I never want to lose my words. Sometimes they are all i've got~

~Did you ever see Val Kilmer's "The Saint"? Then surely, you must remember the part where Emily lost her cards and she got so desperate cos she couldnt make the formula work without the cards....Thats how it is when i dont have words~

~"Give me chastity, give me constancy, but do not give it yet"~

~For those in Naij, I am certain you have heard the new tom-tom ad....filarious...it sounds so vulgar..when i hear the ad, i imagine a "kerewa kerewa" dancestep to go with. ...."i gbadun the tom tom, give me tom tom," lmao~

~Ever pronounced the planet "Uranus" without inwardly cringing? me neither. Doesnt matter how you pronounce it, it always come out as "UR ANUS". Dont bother. I've tried ever combination possible. U RANUS, UR ANUS, URA NUS, URUN US,and URANUS(with an E at the end for emphasis). I wonder what the planet smells like. ....imagine if all farts went to URANUS instead of just blending with the atmosphere...ewww~

~I must have been dreaming but i'm almost sure I heard Rhecks say (on the radio) that Ejike Asiegbu is now a musician. As in?????Omdzzzzz.....its not his fault doe. I mean, when every Witless Tom, Desperate Dick and Hungry Harry is now a musician, or better still, a rapper. Infact I'm quitting my job tomorrow and i'm gonna become a star. Hold me back oh, hold me oh...~

~I swear down, one will soon be able to cook a pot of soup in traffic. Right now, you can buy pepper, tomatoes, onions and beef in traffic. How about the hawkers have mobile stoves and pots? Then you can make your own soup while you journey home...smh...there's almost nothing you wont find in traffic. kilode! just this morning I saw these huge ass clocks. ahan!!!the thing was as big as the Big Ben....ok ok....not as big. but you get my point.~

~If i wrote a really sad post, will you promise not to think that I was talking about myself, even though I write it in the first person. I find that I cannot do second and third person so well...but you see, I am trying~

~Falling in love with music all over again~

~have you seen Inception? Please say you have. its an amazing amazing movie~

~I love the gbagaun mopol...#justsaying# ~

~If I was in OTH, who would I be? I always thought I'd be Peyton...but B said I'd be Brooke. Now I'm not so sure....who would you be?~


#np: Elsewhere ~ Bethany Joy Lenz-Galeotti

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

~~Tuesdays' Thoughts: Ma wo oju Uche~~

~~Ever heard the phrase Ma wo oju Uche (no look Uche face/ dont look at Uche's face)? I heard it two or so years ago and for the life of me I couldnt fathom what it was supposed to me. Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to the end of my pondering. At 7am this morning, it hit me. i was in the shower when it did. And my verdict? Yoruba people are wicked. why? Uche is a unisex name right? Medusa was a woman right? (not sure about that thoe...the people in that period dint discriminate..man, woman, goat..etc) And you couldnt look in medusa's face too.  See.....(u dont see? :'( it made sense at 7am). But why use Uche thoe...it makes sense jor. Dont look at Uche = Dont look at Medusa = Mind where you put your eye = Dont be convetious...see...are you proud of me yet? ~~

~~Yoruba movies are hilarious. I stayed up last night watching one called Ipese on African Magic yoruba (dont ask me how. It had subtitles). It left me in stitches. Everything was a comic freakshow. If you are ever in really bad mood, just tune in.~~

~~I'm getting my groove back. I've got my favourite dance step in my shoulder, favourite shoes on my feet, favourite nail polish, favourite hair style...etc. everything feels like my favourite. Because i am happy. truly so. Not the type that comes from man. if it was left to man I'd be wailing on the floor and rubbing ashes on my face. But u see...God has made appreciative of all that I have. Starting with me. myself. Do you that he made only one of you? And Him knowing that He made just one, dyou think He'll let anything that was not according to His plan happen to you? Doesnt that make you happy?~~

~~I love "Love the way you lie"  by Eminem ft Rihanna. my best parts? ~Next time? There will be no next time!!!....../ if she tries to fucking leave again i'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire~~~ There is so much passion and so much chemistry in this song. You can feel his anger. You can feel his pain. You can understand her adiction, his obsession.... I.M.O., thats probably what is wrong in most of Naija music today. Its like the artistes dont believe the lyrics. And the collabos(male and female)? There's no symmetry. No chemistry. The best Naija male/female collabo i've ever heard was/is Kel and M.I. That song was a tune. You could hold the chemistry. ~~

~~ I talk about music too much I think. But If I was an artist manager, i'll lock you in the studio, give you all the equipment you need, and take away ur food, and you booze and your drugs....when desperation puts you in the zone, you'll make nothing but music. And you wont get out until I know it is music. Not a hit, min you. But that it is music. Whether or not it will blow depends on me your manager. Your duty as an artist is to make music.~~

~~Ever listened to the rap on B.O.B's "Airplanes? supports my point~~

~~Some twitter #ashtags are filarious. yesterday's #wordsnottosayonaplane (i'm wrong abi?) was on point.~~

~~I was trying to describe my colleague's face to my baby sis yesterday and she couldnt stop laughing. Apparently i'm really mean when i'm ill. I refuse to agree with that. I'm a really nice person when i'm ill. Its when i'm alright that you should be worried~~

~~I'm even nicer then :D~~

~~But Rita Dominic looks a weee bit funnay...thats not mean right? what would be mean was if I said what i really mean. which would be that she looks like a ....(ok..incredibly mean thought) ...wont say it cos its really bad..~~

~~See i'm nice~~

~~I havent been to the gym in what feels like forever. My DD cowgirls have come back home to graze. But apart from that, everything is pretty much the same. Gladness there~~

~~Guys are so funny. So the same. Doesnt matter how old at each point. Major lol-ing here~~

~~America's Got Talent. No more words needed. But seriously. Seriously! SERIOUSLY!!! GRANDMA LEE???!!! my mum went...."abeg grandmama go siddon for retirement home abi wetin you wan use money do." i could not stop laughing. Thing is I thought she was asleep and I had my head on her lap so I couldnt really tell when she woke up. ~~

~~Its my birthday soon. I'm getting older. who'da thought? heck I thought i'd be 19 forever~~

~~No matter how you dress it up, I think brown is a really ugly colour. eeew. Try grey instead. Its so everything good~~

~~See how I have refrained from talking about Wande Coal? Its only cause he was sleeping. I will also not say anything about twitter people. But ermmm...cough cough cough~~

~~I am going to eat ice cream today. Nuff said~~

~~Little sisters are precious arent they? Once they're old enough, they're never too young. Today i'm rocking my baby's earring. And they are on point!!!~~

~~I am a loyalist I think. I'd bend over backwards for the people I love. I may forget to speak to you. Forget your birthday (Eloho you need to tell me when your birthday is), But trust me, I will always be here for you. Always. Sure  sometimes I work 20hours a day and then i'm crabby and impatient and short tempered. But i am still me. Still here. ~~

That said, enjoy the rest of your week people.


#np: Find your Love ~ KidKonnect's remix.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Lost Titles

Listless....lifeless.. a million ways more than tired........drained....used...emotionless... a million ways more than uninterested....

Staring through unseeing eyes at an apparent interminable future....fragile and faithless... a million ways more than unhappy....

Rainfall and teardrops.....eyelids heavy...tearglands empty...a million ways far from sadness

Voices echoing in my mind...a city left behind...lonely and alone...the grafitti of time...unending...a million ways far from empty.....

Crashing and burning...smoke filled tents, mind wandering.....fingers straying...plastic smiles...waiting to play the joker.....a million times more than a prank

And the world keeps spinning, but here I am bowing, shoulders aching .....in the middle of it all.....adrift

#nowplaying........

Friday, July 16, 2010

Somewhere from the past

Once upon a time, there was this boy I thought I'd give everything for. Everything. I wasnt in love with him. But there was a darkness in his eyes that called to me. A certain sort of pain that called my name....,.

We met one christmas, what year it was I forget now. It was at churrasco. I was rocking rolled up boyfriend jeans, ankle boots, a white tank top and red lipstick(i rocked rolled up boyfriend jeans before princess ri ri..lol..). I looked across the bar and I saw him staring at me. Half smile on his face. And I threw my head back and laughed. He walked over to me and said "i'm going to marry you one day". And i cocked my head to one side and said "really now"......

I have always had intense relationships. Deep sadness and deep happiness. Does the fact that I mention the sadness first mean that its always been more sadness than happiness? This was no less intense than any before it. But in some ways, more.

We were never seriously physically intimate. But we connected on a level that was so much deeper. And then something bad happened to him. It broke him. Remembering it now and tears still rush to my eyes. His soul detached itself from mine and went away. And even then he'd say, "i own you". But it was over.

I tried to be there for him. I really did. But now I wonder if maybe I should have tried better. Because I see him now, and the darkness is still there. But now its darker.

He says, "so you have a boyfriend now", laughter in his voice..."do you love him?", pain in his voice. And I answer " Yes I do"....with a certainty that shocks even me. And he turns away.

I don't know if this will be the last time I ever see him....and before he left I said the same thing I said to him the first day we met. When I wasnt sure if I was gonna see him again. Be happy....

.................................................................................................................................

There'll always be someone from the past for everyone (well almost everyone). But don't let it influence your future.

Be happy.

Audeo

Monday, July 12, 2010

1:25am

I'm sat here, staring out of the double windows of the audit room and out onto the streets of VI, deep in thought. I've just read T.Notes 's post on hope and it left me thinking about how life would suck big time if one did not or could not hope....

Where would I be if i could not hope that tomorrow will be better than today? I see the homeless roaming the streets at night. Just opposite the office is a woman asleep on a bench. She's wrapped herself up tightly, no doubt to protect herself from mosquitoes. But what about rain? what if it rains? but i know that she has gone to sleep hoping that rain will not come tonight; for if it did, where would she sleep? there'll be no escaping it...

Where would we be if we could not hope that suffering and pain would come to an end? There's so much sadness in this world...if only we coul see...In the heart of a seemingly happy person lies a sadness that only he knows..and a hope that one day the sadness will end. And those poor begging children...if they couldnt hope that the next car to pass would be the one to pay for dinner, food for their bloating bellies....where would they be? perhaps lying on some sidewalk somewhere, waiting for death....

Where would the person who has been heartbroken be if he/she could not hope that one day the pain would be over? or the woman who longs for a child but cannot have one yet? or the man who goes out everyday looking for work just so that he may provide for his family.....without hope, where would the child who has been abused be if he/she could not hope that one day they'd be grown enough to leave the abusive environment? or the pain that comes from losing a loved one? without hope, where would the person left behind be?

Hope is such a strong force. It brings to light the lamps in our eyes. The will to continue living, to hustle on.

And I....if I couldnt hope that when I imagine that you'll be holding me when i go to sleep tonight, how lonely would I be? or that one day this distance would be shorter and i'd hold you again....

#np:All I Want ~ Susie Suh

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I'll Be There

Its been just over a year since Mikey passed. I wanted to write this post that day, but I couldnt. So i'm writing it now. I am remembering Michael Jackson.

What do you see in your mind when you think of MJ? Does he cross your mind as he does mine? And if he does, what do you think? What words would you associate with him? .....I remember the day he died. I fell slightly ill, especially after I'd driven in the rain (1 hour traffic on awolowo road), with my windows down and my car stereo on full blast playing MJ's music. Letting the world know in case they didnt. Mikey was gone from here. Freed from his anguish and his pain. From judging and prying eyes and those who sought to profit from every move he ever made.



I dont remember when I first fell in love with MJ. When he smiled at me through the telly and in my child's heart i decided that I'll always love this man. His music preaching love and compassion. All through the years, with every single seemingly bizarre act, it was always MJ. MJ I wanted to protect.

As humans we are quick to pass judgements on thinks we dont understand especially in an attempt to convince ourselves that we do understand. Shutting it away in some part of our judging hearts, forgetting that we do not know. We are quick to condemn the person who is not like us forgetting that God made each one different.



At work this evening I was saying how I'd heard somewhere (on the radio i think) that there were rumours that one of Mikey's kids may have vitiligo and about what a great fuck you it'll be for the people that doubted him. And my colleague said "that MJ self his own was too much" and I asked her that "who are you to judge?". And truly, who are you to judge? So what if he bleached? Will he have been the first person? Have you never bought a jar of Clear Essence? Have you never wanted to be something else? So what if he went under the knife? Gimme a break will you? I'd go under the knife right now if I could afford to. How could whatever he did to himself be so bad that you wont let it go? I'll never believe he assulted children, come hell or highwater so dont try to tell me that.


When I think of Mikey, I think about the time he won so many awards and people were screaming "we love you Michael" throughout his acceptance and he kept on saying " I love you too". I think about his amazing talent as a singer and as a performer. I think about his smile, the sadness on his face sometimes. I think about women fainting at his concerts. I think about his lithe skinny body. I think about his glove, his shoes and his crotch grab.


Today I remember Mikey the way I knew him. The man standing on his toes, knees bent forward, one arm in the air and a tendril of hair falling over one eye. And I reply, Yes Michael, I'll be there.

In my darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care, will you be there
in my trials and my tribulations, throughout doubts and frustrations
in my violencce, in my turbulence, through my fear and my confessions
in my anguish and my pain, through my joy and my sorrow and the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part, for you're always in my heart



RIP Gloved One

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Untitled - Tuesdays' Thoughts - Right rant

I'm in a very pissy mood today. Close to breaking down/losing it in fact. Ive got hormones ricocheting inside me. Its a fucking nut parade I tell you. I've gone from extremely pissed to tears in the space of one minute. Ovulation is a bitch. Give me a fucking mike and nipple patches and I might as well be Lil' kim with the way i'm cussing. Not that I care you know. It is after all my blog. So if i decide to write out the lyrics to Lil' kim's "eat my pussy right", the best you can do is cringe, not come back (please dont go, ill miss u), preach at me, or whatever else you think i'd care about.

Let me not even start cussing about the matter of hypocrisy. i'll be here the whole fucking day. And part of tomorrow. And maybe i'll win a blogger award for longest post. No? shrugs

Even the elemnts are against me. I walk out of the bank, to go to the bank and its blazing hot. Like satan's backside(don't ask how I know that.). And because Pegasus is on his period, I decided to take a taxi/walking was an option until i stepped outside. So i coulnt find a taxi and I gave up and came back in. only for the sun to disappear from the sky.

One thing I absolutely do not like about myself is that I dont know how to hold a grudge, my anger disappears almost immediately it comes and i cannot sleep if i'm upset at someone. Now some people know this, and continually take advantage of it. This isnt a fucking Dear agony aunt letter so dont give me tips on how to stay angry. I,ve already got a solution, I stop caring and the person becomes insignificant.

Now i'm normally not a bitch, neither am I catty, but some girls can get on that last raw nerve ehn. An it seems like i've had "dump crap here" written on my forehead for a few days. So my claws have come out. lemme give u a few examples:

Girl 1: Ahan bimbo, is this the only shoe you have (she said this in a group of about 5 people, who of course all laughed)
Me: ahan, sweetie. i wear these shoes cause they're comfy n shit. you, i know ur aristo. plus u mind need to check that diction, not much room at the top for people that speak like that. And u over there laughing, quit going to ikeja under bridge.

Example 2:
Girl: See her eating pizza after she'll say she's going to the gym (she said this in the audit room. other attendants present = 7)
Me: But i'm better than you now.i'm burning it off. Anyways i understand. There's no point for u cause u dont care about such things. You need to be careful tho. Obesity isnt attractive anymore

Example 3
Girl: Bimbo u look used this morning
Me: Now that you mention it, i've been meaning to tell you the same for about a week. Whoever ure fucking is obviously not doing u right

See what I mean? And its totally unintentional.

I used to have these horribly dark moods. I think they may be here again. Days when I'm so sad it seems like my heart is breaking from it and that nothing will ever be right again. For no reason. B used to have them and it infuriated  me to no end.

I feel like I am adrift in a storm. So incredibly tired. Inside and out.

"Heart dont fail me now, courage don't desert me"......"how a road can seem so long, how the world can seem so vast"

Can you tell me the source of my problems? should I tell you my dreams? I just dont know. Hold me tightly lest I fall.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The post that was meant to be called Determination but i'll call it "all over the place"

With one eye I am watching the Ghana - Uraguay match. Its penalty time. With one eye I am typing this post. But my mind is all over the place. I'll tell you why in a second.

Most people mistake my strength of will for stubborness...............

And that where that post ended. This one came instead......

....................................................................

I am a creature of will. By will God created me. I am a woman of faith. By faith I live and survive. That said, I am one of the most stubborn people I know. With a sometimes quiet and deceptively diplomatic approach, I defend the things I believe in.

I am reponsible for my own actions. Me and me only. I decide who I love and who I trust. And I seal my fate whenever I make those decisions. Neither family nor foe nor friends have a say. Am I ranting? Perhaps yes.

I trust that God has laid in front of me the path of my life. And that every decision I have ever made and will ever make will be the decisions God wants me to  make. For my betterment. The big picture if you may. And the times I err, its so that he can show me the pleasure of His forgiveness. Human beings like to be credited for the happiness of other human beings. We crave the importance that comes with recognition, forgetting that that in itself is a problem. For if you accept the responsibility for my happiness, comes with it is the burden as well. "comes fame and fortune, comes bale and woe" (quote from 'Calais'). The people who make me happy are only there because i have allowed them. I told Superman that I have forgotten the details of my relationship with my ex. I have this "gift". "Did you ever see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"?(Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey, i think), well if you did, you'll know what i mean. I have replaced every memory, bar two. It was necessary for me to do that. (why am I talking about this?)

Today I choose to be happy (Anne Frank?).

What do you choose?

..................................................................................................................

Allow me to light my own candles. Dont decide for me, what will bring me happiness. God is the architecht of my future and i am the builder. If I may, let me make my own mistakes. They are mine to make. Let me win my own battles. I do not want to share my spoils for I am selfish. Hold my hand if i ask. But if I dont, stand on the sidelines and focus on my happiness.


Peace

#np: The World spins madly on ~ The Weepies

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tuesdays' Thoughts - Oga Police

~~I am addicted to police checkpoints. Yeah , if I were you I'd give myself side-eye too. But seriously, whenever I get to a spot that has been a checkpoint at some point in the past, I slow down and turn my interior lights on. Doesn't matter whether its at night or during the day. Is there some form of rehab for this? Let me add that sometimes I even smile~~

~~But what is it with policemen and those disgusting torchlights? (not calling them flashlights.) They shove the beam in your face, flicking their wrists and tinz. Now if I didn't have "inner" lights, I'd totally understand. But nooooo, the part where as a policeman at a checkpoint you apply some common sense is totally wasted on that lot. Like I'm sat there, all interior lights on, and you are still flashing something in my face. And the adeptness at wrist flicking…..tells me that they must wank a lot.~~

~~I think I need new music in my life. Real music. I have been stuck on sad crybaby love songs for a bit and the red lipstick girl in me is beginning to protest~~

~~Its my birthday soon *insert alanta here* I dare you to tell me that its still three months away. Ask me what I want!!! Ask me please~~

~~So my carrot lady retired from active duty. Apparently she now sells groundnuts. Like seriously, wtf??!!!~~

~~My darling cowbells came back. Either that or I just got used to the new ones. *shrugs*~~

~~Have you been to adeyemo alakija at night? The prostitutes there ehn!!!na die. You should see me and my male colleagues when going to our cars at night. Whether its fear or wonderment on our faces, I don't know. But we definitely speedwalk. Anyways, one of the boys was offered a "soft massage" a week ago. ROTFLMAO. What the heck is a soft massage? He didn't ask. He should have in my own opinion. Chicken~~

~~Speaking of chickens and super chickens. Isn't FATKUBU the most hilarious word you've heard in a while? Like seriously….effing genius that word. FATKUBU. Still laughing~~

~~Remember my post of 4 May 2010 where I complained about doing squats? Lets just say you wont hear me complaining again. THEY ARE WORKING!!!!!!! Wale is a genius. Speaking of Wale, I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks L~~

~~And 3 weeks reminds me that its been exactly 3 weeks. Feels a lot longer. I miss Superman. ~~

~~These days when I shower after gym I arrange my bath stuff in a systematic order. Body was, facial wash then vag wash. It became necessary when I used Femfresh as facial wash two weeks ago. My friends think I did it on purpose. Even I know I am not that weird~~

~~I wrote on Neefemi's blog. All the wonderful sexy music from 2007. It was a hawt hawt year and I was a hawt hawt mess~~

~~My BB contacts need to be reduced by 1. Yes I'm picking on someone. The person is an absolute sweetheart but as you know I abhor broadcasts. Especially ones that start with "sorry about the broadcast" > If you were sorry you'd ask first. Anyways I probably wont. Like I said, sweetheart~~

~~It's amusing to see people just going silly over Owl City. You shoulda listened to me 2 months ago. But I understand. Same goes for Dr Sid. Trust my ears darlings~~

~~What's with subliminals on twitter? O_o. I mean I'm guilty but only to the extent that I am not referring to someone on twitter. But the viciousness. OMG it hurts to just read my TL these days. And apparently I'm not twitter cool anymore. *shrugs*~~

~~Shakira's world cup song? BIG FAT SIDE EYE~~

~~Are you loving Lady Antebellum yet? Not just in " Need You Now". You need to. And why are people hating on Nicki Minaj? Makes no sense! Swagga jacking or no, #isityourbusines? She's hot and she's hot and in her own words, she never do a feature that wasn't on Billboard.~~

~~That being said, I crammed her rap from "hold yuh". Me too all I wanna do is to sign boobs and be taking pics. She's just so adorable~~

~~Can't wait for my one and only Yimu aka Rikokomaster to be back home *alanta* Yes I'm sucking up. He better buy all my stuff~~

~~The ladies at the gym must think I'm a bit weird. Must be cos I have Mozart on full volume in the changing rooms everyday~~

~~Did you read my tweet about the Indian guy with the garlicky fart? I nearly passed out this morning. Tomorrow I am going in. Sure in hand. Like it was right in my face!!!!~~

~~Work is about to get really crazy. God help me. For the next two weeks it'll be 20hr work days. I'll miss you guys~~

#np: London Underground ~ Mike Skinner ( Have you heard this song? Its FILARIOUS (fucking hilarious) ). Please if you know any other songs by Mike Skinner please let me know.

Peace n tingz.



Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Let me...

Hugging oneself is never the same. No matter how many times uve been held, u never get tired of it.

One more day,one more night. Just one more time, before u go. Let me be able to say, don't go cos the place will be empty where u once were.

One more kiss,let me touch your face one more time, quickly before I realise that this is infact a dream. Let me beg the morning to stay away.

Just before the world runs off, and sunlight chases ur shadow away. Before dawn ends my dreams, let me...

The lone tear in ur eye, the lone tear on my cheek. They came from the same source. The longing from deep down. The world keeps moving

And I'm standing. Standing at the gate. Watching. Watching you go. Please let time stop. Let me...

Let me say, please don't go. You'll take heaven with you.

Let me sleep. Let me dream. Heaven comes when my eyes are closed. And I'm going past the red gate. To a redbrick house, 3800miles from here.


Goodnight.

#np: Vanilla twilight ~ Owl City

Dedicated to everyone who has a loved one living apart from them. I see you.


P.s. Will be guestwriting on Neefemi's blog. I'm really really excited. And little nervous.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Monday, June 21, 2010

On Faith, without which I will be lost

Before I started writing this post, I asked God to please give me the right words. But just right now, it occurs to me that there are no right or wrong words when talking about faith. Because faith simply is. There's no doubting it, or justifying it, or struggling for it. Why is it so easy to believe that something can go wrong, instead of trusting that nothing can go wrong?

Too many times, as Christians and believers, its so easy to get caught up in what the world tells us. I remember an old (i think its ) Ron Kenoly song that goes "whose report will you believe?" It must have been then that I developed my practical approach towards faith. Because why on earth should I believe that things will e anything less than perfect. The Bible has told me that God knows the plans he has for me. plans of good and not of evil .......... It has also told me that it may tarry, but it will come. So why should I believe differently? Let me not boast lest my faith like Job's be tested. But....if my faith be as small as a mustard seed i can move mountains right?

As children, its so much easier to believe in fairies, and santa claus and superman and the tooth fairy, and maybe, if our parent have bothered, to believe in God. But somewhere along  the way, we realise that Santa Claus is actually daddy, that the tooth fairy is actually mummy, that fairies are not real and neither do we possess super powers because we have jumped of the top bunk and have succeded only in breaking a leg. And sometimes, we also stop believing that God is God and that His Word does not change. Jesus says if only we can have faith like little children.

I'd like to say that it's hard, to make whoever lacks faith to feel a little better, but I wont. Because its the easiest thing in the world. According to a song that I havent heard in years, retelling the story of Jesus calling Peter to join him on the sea, it said "come walk with me upon the water, why dont you let me be your guide?" 

Trusting God is believing that nothing happens to you by chance. For everyone that comes your way, its because he has sent them. For everytime you fall, it is because he is at the bottom to catch you. free falling never felt so good. For every time you make a mistake it is because he wants to show you that you cannot appreciate the good if you have not yet seen the bad. It is believing that that "lai lai" He will never let you go.

All He has required is your trust. So why dont you,.....trust him. Have faith.

Enjoy the rest of your week. God bless you.

Friday, June 18, 2010

My Mr Endowed ....Toh bahd

Ok. firstly, i'm the absolute last person that you'd ever hear say the words "toh bahd" or any of all the other phrases/words/slangs coined or made popular by Mohits. Frankly i think they (not Mohits, the words/slangs/phrases....although....)sound slightly retarded. But! i've been in a bit of a mood lately. Adjusting to Superman not being around, we're on the same timezone but we might as well not be. He's trying, God bless him. But its still not the same. plus, a bunch of other stuff. And have I mentioned that I miss him so much ...yeah. its a physical ache.

Anyways, woke up this morning, late. So i couldnt go to the gym. Which added to my bad mood. so on my way to work, (my music player is on shuffle) D Banj's "Mr Endowed" came up. I remember when the song came out and twitter folk where yammering on and on about it lacking lyrical quality. Well do u remember my post on LAB? lyrically acclaimed bullshit? yah! anyways, i couldnt help but dance when the song came on. It totally lifted my mood. For that I am grateful to DBanj and especially Don Jazzy.

That being said, I'm dedicating the song to my Mr Endowed. *blush* his face, endowed. his upper body, endowed. his lower body, endowed. And most importantly, his heart, endowed. with love, for me.....

*insert another blush*

p.s. LDRs are still horrible. But i can tell you that its so much harder to fight with someone u cant see. Hence ALOT of talking and communication. #deepsigh


however, i'm #nowplaying Nothing by janet Jackson. i swear that this song has been following me about.

Have a lovely weekend.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

#imthankfulfor

I've always had reasons for which to be thankful. To God, to my parents, to nature, to the earth, to my friends,....

Wokeup one day to Temite's #imthankfulfors on twitter and after sampling opnion (thanks again twitfam) I realised again that most humans are thankful for the same things. For and to God. For being God. For family, what would we do without you. For life. No matter how bad everyday is, at least ure still alive right? For money. And of course the things money can buy. For love. For always making it count.

I am thankful for this gift. That I can put pen to paper and write things that can make me or you laugh, smile, cry and think. This gift that gives words meaning...

I am thankful for bad roads. Cos they ensure that I don't speed to my death. But I am even more thankful for good one. Cos that'll mean that Pegasus will be alive for longer.

I am thankful for people that sleep with their mouths open. Even when in public. For example in traffic. Gives me something to laugh about every morning.

I am thankful for PHCN's erratic power supply.it makes me appreciate the inventors of electricity and all resultant lightbulbs even more. But I'm especially thankful for light. Even if its just so that I can charge my blackberry.

I am thankful for Pegasus. For I'd definitely be the tardiest person in my office if I had to take a taxi every morning. I'm even more thankful for Pegasus. For those nights when a bed is too far.

I am thankful for bad friends. For they make you appreciate the good ones more. But I'm especially thankful for good friends. I don't have enough words to say why. But I pray for you everyday.

I am thankful for gadgets and toys. They make LDRs less painful and even longer. But I'm even more thankful when you're here with me, when I can see ur soul and hear your heartbeat. When ur arms are around me and your head is in the nook of my shoulder.

I am grateful for rain. Soft showers or thunderous downpours. It reminds me tha God has not forgotten.

I am thankful for alcohol. It helps.

I am thankful for music. I cannot begin to describe the orgasm in my heart when I listen to music. But now, I'd rather listen to your snoring than listen to music to make me sleep. At least you'll be beside me.

I am thankful for you, dear reader. You give me another reason to write. You always have. But I'm even more thankful when you leave a comment. Mark ur steps across this blog. My heart.

I am thankful for ex boyfriends. Because if they didn't become exes, you'd never get to that last bus stop. The place where you are meant to be.

I am thankful for laughter. Especially when we do it together. I am thankful for hope and faith. The difference between winners and every other person.

I am thankful for me. For the person that I have become. For my smile, for it is pure. For my heart, because it is true. For my soul, because it holds no hate. For my mind, because it can dream. For my imagination. Because it can draw you closer. For my body. Because it is precious.

~ I'm thankful for my family, condoms and birth control pills. :D~

~ I am thankful to God for my glasses! They help me see better and dey make me look cute.....somtimes :D ~

~ Im thankful for where I am, not where I thot I would be, but im more than thankful to God. :) ~

~#Iamgrateful for Words. Cos without them my life will lack all colours and for my fellow word merchants, may you find bliss always. @SL419~

...............................................

Too many times because we have our eyes set on big things, we forget to be thankful for the little ones. Let's change that.

And for God, who has for now blessed me with these.

#np: Just for a moment (aqualung I think)

Enjoy the rest of ur week.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

~~Tuesdays' thoughts~~

~~I swear i had all these beautifully random things i was going to say. But as usual, when i plan a post in advance it never seems good enough. so...i dont know whats gonna come out here but it'll be what i'm thinking. i think~~

~~keke marwa's/napep are the scourge of this earth. When i grow up, if i ever do, i shall buy myself a caterpiller/crane/trailer. whichever i can afford when i grow up, and i will hit every keke that crosses my path~~

~~My mind is almost 6000miles from here. actually just checked and its actually 3100miles. and 4800kms.~~

~~Never figured myself for the "teary eyed looking forlorn at the airport girl". It seems however, that I am. I however did not wail. I do not believe in causing a scene. That would be incredibly common. I did however have to wear my ray bans~~

~~I think people should get on with it and leave the "geek" look behind. But then again, who am I to judge.~~

~~I think i want a baby. But what on earth am I going to do with it? probably post it to my mother, labelled "fragile, handle with care."~~

~~I'm all sorts of melancholic today. And yes i know the reason. But the bad part is I cannot share. least not yet.~~

~~Thinking of what to get myself for my birthday. Maybe a teddy bear. Where will I be on my birthday? hopefully 3100miles from here.~~

~~I've had the most beautiful past 5weeks. Every single day. Eternally precious. Maybe i'll cry now~~

~~How many tears do you think its possible to cry? Like if one just kept on crying... tear glands are in the head right? is that why one gets headaches after crying for long? mayb e cos the glands have run out, and it nature's way of letting you know? in that case, what fills them up. as in whats the trigger? listen to sad songs and water flows from ur stomach to ur tear glands? ~~

~~i dont really need an answer. or maybe i do.~~

~~i hear that i like to act like i'm not sweet....i agreed. Thats the disturbing part. The part where i agreed...i owe myself a couple of side - eyes. ~~

~~I miss the gym. Work has been too crazy. i think i may have overdone it on sunday though..And i forgot my kit at home. I need the distraction.~~

~~ For some reason i have fallen in love with "change ur parade. i think its the modulation close to the end that finally got me. On the other hand, that pishaun is hopelessly useless~~

~~Daddy bought me a new telly for my room. It was a surprise. The guy is happy that i've decided to stay at home. I've decided to paint my room peach and purple. however it turns out, it should be better than black~~

~~Do you sense it? if you have to ask me what then u don't need to know~~

~~Its transfer season. I'm moving to chelsea fc. I already have a jersey to start my future career. WAGS (of chelsea supporters)

~~ Temite makes me smile. Just like now. ~~

~~Nigeria will be playing Messi on saturday. Vag crossed ~~

~~I'll stop the world and melt with you. Maybe i'll go to the cinema~~

~~Surely it must be 6 hours already. Even while i know its not~~

~~Praying that work becomes even more hectic. I'll need it. As long as I've got some quality gym time though~~

~~I'm just yammering on. I need a hug. ~~

#np:  Lets stay together ~ Al Green

Friday, June 4, 2010

Its Friday, and I'm in love

I watched as my uncle was laid to
rest on saturday. I cried new tears as I watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. I cried with his children as they cast dust upon the coffin, commiting their father's body to mother earth. From dust to dust......
 
Across from me, I watched my father, tears in his eyes as he buried his brother not of the same blood. Friend, for over 40 years and I wept for him too. I saw my mother beside him, holding his hand. I knew that she was remembering a similar burial from 8 years ago. When she buried my late uncle's wife. Her friend and confidant. And I cried for her too.  And fell in love with my parents, all over again.
 
Most times we take our parents for granted. Assuming that they'd always be around. But what if?....My father was my bestie for many years. Until I felt like I'd outgrown him, and sought friendship elsewhere. Not anymore. Recently, i didnt speak to him voluntarily for almost 2 months becasue of something that was my fault. These days, i cant wait for him to travel, and be out of my way. Not anymore. Not anymore. I cannot fathom my life without my daddy. My champion. Every bruised knee, every career change, he's always been there. My biggest supporter and the apple of my eyes. Daddy's smile melts my heart. My soul knows every contour of his face. I wonder what I thought the first time I saw him. I wish I knew. But I know now that I want to savor every single second. My daddy....
 
Mummy. Friend. Mentor. Teacher...Kin. . The same way she carried me for 9 months, is the same way she has carried me for 23 years. With love, attention, devotion and dedication. I love to see her smile. There's so much of her in me. These days we rarely fight. There is no need to anymore. Now I'm drawing her closer. Stay a while longer. I dont ever wanna be free from you...
 
So I am in love. With my parents. They that bore me and gave me life. I am in love with life.
 
We take so many things for granted. We assume so many things. I know I blog about this alot. perhaps as a constant reminder to myself. A ringing in my mind. Telling me that I should not take anything for granted. The sand of the times of my life are slowly drifting into the other half of the hourglass. Let me not weigh my heart down, nor be burdened by that which I cannot change. Let me love me. and you. Let me live everyday in hope. Hope that today will be better than yesterday, even while knowing that my times are in His hands.
 
So have I told you lately that i love you? Have I told you lately that I care? If I havent, this is me , loving you. Dear life, dear loved one. My unchained melody.
 
To God, who has for now, blessed me with these...
To you, and yours, May He keep you from harm.
 
I love you

#np: The first time I ever saw your face ~ Leona Lewis
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Thursday I'm in Love ;)

Lol...scratch my title. Or dont scratch it. Not yet, cos its not complete. I'm in love, yes. With love. I know, beat me. You were expecting something else weren't you? I've missed my blog and blogsville so much. My google reader has over 100 unread items. :s. Work has just been horrid and as I type, I am on hard bought borrowed time. Nevertheless, lemme make this count.

Its thursday, and I am in love with love. Not just for love's sake, but cos I'm learning new stuff everyday. You know that passage about love in Corinthians? Its so complete. Please read here : LOVE

And lately i've been thinking about it alot, and about what it means. But I wont preach about that, the bible is already explicit in that aspect. Instead, you know how a picture is worth a thousand words? Enjoy...


Do you agree? The part about highly desirable makes me smile. And if you've been reading my blog since last year, you'd know that I concur completely with the weakened brain, sparkling eyes, glowing cheeks and HBP. In addition to rabbitlike energy that is. :)



Everytime you offer your heart to someone, its never grudgingly. You know that it could turn out either ways. The person can either take it and keep it in their pocket and forget about it, (think Bridget Jones and the parable of the servants) or the person can nourish and protect it from hurt (this is my fave or the person can pretend its a trampoline and jump up and down on it till it disintegrates (insert possible wailing sounds (by u of course) here.) Either ways, you offer and then you wait.,


This is one of the most difficult parts. TRUST. Its soo hard right? But I see trust as a ecision. You either chose to trust someone or you dont.There's no half measures when it comes to this. Its a total surrender. A huge risk. Like jumping off a cliff. There can either be a nice soft cushion at the bottom or a nice bed of jagged rocks and broken bottles. Either way, you choose.


And after you decide to trust that person, you think these words. Because your trusting someone is majorly for you. And you peace of mind. The other person can either decide to break that trust, or uphold it.



It takes both parties to make a relationship work. All the loving in the world if one sided will never work. Two people working together, working at it, believing and trusting eachother. My friend Rico said something on twitter yesterday about friendship. He said "it is not me that is your friend. We are friends".



Scratch the valentine part. The picture was too cute not to use. It is my prayer that when you find that one person, that they'll find u too. And you'll be eachother's forever.



And when you decide on forever, you'll have to promise to always love, alwasy trust and always honor. Too bad most people dont understand this part. Love and marraige is not for kids. Its for grown people, who understand that every decision taken changes irrevocably the course of your life, and that of the people affected by that decision.



So please, as the picture says, love me till my heart stops. If I choose you, be sure that I'll be doing the same.

And finally,


Thats word enough isn't it?



P.s. Am I the only that thinks Loving someone is different from being in love with them? IMO the being in love part is the step after loving them. I may be wrong.

P.s.s. Because something came easy does not mean it came cheap. Someone else already paid for it. (my lil titbit of wisdom for the year)

P.s.s.s : I took the liberty of compiling a playlist for you. Uber-cheesy n tingzes. But love it you will

1)  Have I Told You Lately - Van Morrison
2)  Melt With You - Modern English
3)  Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
4)   I Want To Be Your Everything - Andy Gibb
5)   I Want You To Want Me - Chris Isaak
6)   Always - Atlantic Starr
7)   Lets Stay Together - Al Green
8)   A Moment Like This - Kelly Clarkson
9)   Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John
10) Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
11)  Ready For Love - India Arie
12)  Cant Smile Without you - Barry Manilow

(Can you tell that someone went on a downloading spree recently?)

In the style of Neefemi,

Audeo loves you.

p.s.s.s.s. All pictures courtesy of google.com

Thursday, May 27, 2010

shame to bad people.com + some plain old rambling

First things first. I'm so sorry I've been away. Well sorta. I was down with tonsillitis. Bleudeh thing is still here but on tuesday it was raging. So I couldn't do Tuesday's thots. Shame to bad people

This post might be kinda random. But I dont know yet. Infact I never know the words until I'm actually writing them.

Its Uncle Frank's burial this weekend. I was wondering, Can YOU hold his kids now?

That which I feared and loathed happened. And the world did not come to an end. It didn't shake or tilt sideways. Nothing happened. Finally

That other thing which I feared, loathed and craved happened. And the world also did not come to an end. It just shook itself, shifted slightly and let things fall into place almost perfectly. Like they were like that from the beginning

You must be thinking that finally! She has gone mad! I won't blame you. :p

Haven't had a meal since saturday. Let my throat clear up so that I can resume my daily daily merecine (TFC porraige and chicken)

I also haven't been to the gym in a bit. I miss Wale. And my work outs.

God is good. Please say All the time.

Faith is the only thing that matters. I've always known that. Do you?

Did you like my last post? I think I missed out something. Another letter. To be addressed to my future inlaws. Oh well

I loved it too. :p

I've tire. Can't I just grow up already.

The end

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Letter to My Future

First things first, lets cut out the bs of "let's see what the future brings". How about I tell you exactly what I want. Agreed? I'd prolly preamble first. But i know you'll understand.

When I was in uni, there's was this guy who called a certain girl his future. I found it incredibly silly at the time. Especially in that context. I don't anymore. Amidst all the upheaval that is my life at the moment, I have seen that supposedly calm eye of a storm. That silent part of a tornado where there is wonder at the havoc nature can cause. I have seen that split second before a head on collision, the certainty, the wonder. I have seen that second, just before bullet bites into skin. The second before an orgasm. Those times when everything apart from that moment is completely irrelevant. When all you see is colour and .......life. *insert quiet smile here*. I digress? Pull me back please...or maybe not.


Dear Abimbola,

Sometime soon, perhaps in every second after i type each word, we will meet. Let me know that you are still me. That you were me. let me not wonder someday 10 years from now where I went. let nothing change me. Never complacent and never compliant. Let me never learn how not to say exactly what's in my heart.

You are not gonna grow fat. Not even after 3 kids. And ensure you get that boob job especially as you would have had a lifetime of breastfeeding both husband and babies. Your favourite colour will always be grey. It will always be elegant but not as severe as black. You will always like good food which have taken at least 90 minutes to prepare. You will always love champagne and will pass same to the kids.

You'll always be strong and relentless and never lacking in laughter. Not even in pain or disappointment. You will never lose your childlike quality. That hope that preaches sweetness. You will always have money. Tons of it. You will buy that chateau in france, that Vineyard in the valley and that 1000square foot "cottage" by the sea. You will always achieve that which we set out to do.

You will teach your children to never lack faith. That thing which distinguishes winners from everyone else. You will teach them to believe in God dirst and themselves next. You will teach them to speak the truth always. You will teach them the essence of self, of individuality and the peace of mind that comes from that. You will teach them that life is never easy, and that for every decision made, there will always be a chain of repercussions. You will teach them love. For self and for others. yo will nurture and protect. Just like your mother before you. Never criticizing, always loving and teaching and learning.

You will never stop loving music or stop deriving pleasure from it. You'll never lose the ability to jump on its back and grab its wings and surrender. That insane joy that sometimes brings tears. Just like now. You will never stop writing. Writing what your heart wants you to write. In sickness or health. In joy and in laughter. When its good or its not. Words will always be your escape. When you cant speak it, make sure you write it. Those words will never cease to soothe and to protect. Like wings on an angel.

When you pick the man you want to call your future, you will be sure that it is what you want forever. You will not decide because it is "time to settle down".

To You, the man I will call my Future

Hey,

One day I read this to you. One day I may not. Maybe i have met you, maybe I have not. But one day, I wil tilt my head slightly to the side, just like I always do when I'm considering something, but i will not be considering. Because, at that point, I will know. I will know you. Just as if that thought of you was there when I was formed. By God. For you. And you will know. You will always have known. In your conscious or your subconscious.

I will not always agree with you. And sometimes I will refuse to budge. But you will love me even then, especially then. I will not always make you happy but i'd be damned if I ever make you sad. I will love you. With my heart, and my body, and my body, and my soul, and my spirit. You will my head and I will trust you to make me your shoulders. i will always support you. Never forsaking, and always forsaking all others. I will treasure you, always. I will stay sexy and I will trust you to do the same or i'll place you on a diet. Our home will always be a place of love, light, laughter and peace.

You will love our children. You will always support them. You will hear them and show them a father's love. Never overbearing, always teaching. You will teach our sons to value women and our daughters to value themselves. You will be a pillar behind them. A father they can always walk with.

We will face life's issues together. I will always trust you, and you, me. To do that which is best. Decisions borne of love are never wrong.

We will always plan together. And execute those plans together. We will alwasy value eachother's opinion. When we have disagreements, we will settle settle them before we go to sleep because you know i'll never be able to sleep if we dont. You will forsake all others. Because you will know that I am above all others and there will never be another woman like me.

We will always have sex. At night or in the morning or in the afternoon. We will send the children to our parents when necessary. We will always have time for each other. I know that there is no such thing as an ideal man. I dont want you to be. I want you to be my man.

When we are old and wrinkled, we will sit and talk to eachother about how much we loved eachother from the start, even when we didnt know.

Sitting here at my desk, loving you even when I dont know who you are. Missing you, even if we may never have met.......

.................................................................................................................................................................

So dear future, there you have it.

p.s. I'll never know where life will take me. But these things will never change. You'll find me years from now, still dreaming, always believing. Never stoppiung to measure but to savor. Always laughing and loving. Never losing faith, my eyes towards heaven. And knowing........

Peace