Tuesday, August 17, 2010

EVERYBODY's FREE....(to use bleaching soap)

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2010....Use Bleaching Soap

If I offer you only one tip for the future, bleaching soap would be IT.

The long term benefits of bleaching have been proved by marketwomen whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable tan my own point of view.

I will dispense this advice now.....

Enjoy the power and beauty of bleaching soap..team it up with lacewigs. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of bleaching soap until you have aged. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how pale you really looked.

You are NOT as fine as you imagine.

You should worry about the future, because if you dont, you'll realise that your world will keep falling down on your head like standing under the unforgiving Lagos island rain with no umbrella, waiting for the next danfo bus that will take you to your office.

The real trouble in your life is the possibility that your rich friend will take away your girlfriend or that someone might take a photo of your peen and put it on twitter...that should blindside you anyday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Vex.

if anyone looks at you funny when you are driving, wind down your glass, show them your middle finger and cuss them out...chances are it will be a naval officer who willl then proceed to beat you up. In which case you may then proceed to sue them for N100million

Dont Sing...

...especially not if you sound like Macy Gray on speedcokecrack and please for the sake of your future children, not at a Project Fame audition.

Floss...

Spend a lot of money on yourself, buy expensive cars and jewellry. Eventually you could make a desperate young man's dreams come true by becoming his sugar mummy...or daddy.

Remember the compliments you receive are really lies and the insults you get are true definitions of your character.

Check your boyfriend's direct messages on twitter, facebook and his BBM, he might be getting bored of your ass. Check your girlfriend's family tree. That her uncle in abuja may not be on it.

Stretch...

You must feel guilty that you dont know what you want to do with your life. Your mates in their 20s are getting married to rich men, striking big on yahoo.com and earning fat salaries in blue chip companies. By the time they're 40, their kids would have graduated.

Get plenty of ice cream.

Observe your stretchmarks. They are here to stay.

Be cruel to your knees...trust me, wheelchair swag at 50 is the in thing.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont, maybe you'll dance yahooze or alanta on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever happens, beware of your mother in law...According to Africanmgic/Nollywood, she will always be the cause of all your problems. Dont congratulate youself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, so are everyone else's.

Look at your body, notice when the belly fat forms. embrace them with both palms and squeeze tightly, they are the greatest instruments you'll even own.

Dance...

Get a stripper's pole in your living room. Remember to keep the warranty card so you can a free replacement everytime your weight destroys it.

Read beauty magazines, even though thats suicidal.

Get to know your parents, ask your mom why your middle name is atutupoyoyo, perhaps it may be because she never bought you Barbie toys and your first make-up kit.

Be nice to your siblings; your pretty younger sister might finally allow you to carry her bags while she's shopping at the mall.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on.Invite them over for drinks and BOMBARD them with the problems you are facing whilst trying to get laid.

Live in Ikoyi once, but leave before it makes you ajebutter; live in Mushin once, but leave before it makes you pakororo.

Travel...

Accept certain inalienable truths; prices will rise, politicians will always be corrupt, your parents lied about the grades they got at school and you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, you got all As, that prices were reasonable, that politicians were noble and you missed your chances.

Insult your elders.

Expect a sugar parent to support you. You may end up with a trustfund, or maybe you'll have a wealthy bank account; but you'll never know when your own sugar loverpikin will run away with all your money.

By all means, please mess with your hair, drink lots of liquor and smoke lots of cigarettes. That way you'll age quickly.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it  is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the bleaching soap.



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Hey everyone, if you are not already following Playbackgenius on twitter, do it now. He never fails to make me smile. And yes you guessed it, we wrote this together. or rather he wrote this and i chipped in.

Thank you T.
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The above is a very lovely adaptation of Bas Luhrmann's Everybody's Free..(to wear sunscreen).  listen to the real song here:

Everybody's Free

10 comments:

Tola said...

Where in this day an age does one find a family tree? Also, be cruel to your knees??? What kind of naughty things have you been getting up to?

Myne Whitman said...

This sure got me laughing and then I listened to the song. Hilarious.

Is it@playbackgenuis?

Audeo said...

@Tola...better safe than sorry o. Unless that uncle turns out to be your uncle too.

@Myne :D yep..its @playbackgenius

Young Grumbler said...

Lmao, lool...all deliciously naughty!

Sade said...

My friend would u behave ursef n stoop abusing peoples mind on bleaching soap?!:O
‎​U'll see dt dey will soon empty d mrket of all soda now unless u gv dm d right soap to use!

Dee said...

I loved it!!now following playbackgenius and embracing the belly fat :(

The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

lmho!....o babe!...u certainly have a wicked sense of humour!...me likey!

neefemi said...

Definitely a wicked sense of humor..loves it

Dodo said...

Its not called bleaching jor. Perfect Herbals on 55 Allen ave, Ikeja. Purely herbal "skin restoration/enhancement" :)

T.Notes said...

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
This rocked my morning!!!!!

"...someone might take a photo of your peen and put it on twitter...that should blindside you anyday." Tell WandeCoal!!!!lol!!!

N i love that old Baz Lurhman song!!!