Tuesday, July 27, 2010

~~Tuesdays' Thoughts: Ma wo oju Uche~~

~~Ever heard the phrase Ma wo oju Uche (no look Uche face/ dont look at Uche's face)? I heard it two or so years ago and for the life of me I couldnt fathom what it was supposed to me. Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to the end of my pondering. At 7am this morning, it hit me. i was in the shower when it did. And my verdict? Yoruba people are wicked. why? Uche is a unisex name right? Medusa was a woman right? (not sure about that thoe...the people in that period dint discriminate..man, woman, goat..etc) And you couldnt look in medusa's face too.  See.....(u dont see? :'( it made sense at 7am). But why use Uche thoe...it makes sense jor. Dont look at Uche = Dont look at Medusa = Mind where you put your eye = Dont be convetious...see...are you proud of me yet? ~~

~~Yoruba movies are hilarious. I stayed up last night watching one called Ipese on African Magic yoruba (dont ask me how. It had subtitles). It left me in stitches. Everything was a comic freakshow. If you are ever in really bad mood, just tune in.~~

~~I'm getting my groove back. I've got my favourite dance step in my shoulder, favourite shoes on my feet, favourite nail polish, favourite hair style...etc. everything feels like my favourite. Because i am happy. truly so. Not the type that comes from man. if it was left to man I'd be wailing on the floor and rubbing ashes on my face. But u see...God has made appreciative of all that I have. Starting with me. myself. Do you that he made only one of you? And Him knowing that He made just one, dyou think He'll let anything that was not according to His plan happen to you? Doesnt that make you happy?~~

~~I love "Love the way you lie"  by Eminem ft Rihanna. my best parts? ~Next time? There will be no next time!!!....../ if she tries to fucking leave again i'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire~~~ There is so much passion and so much chemistry in this song. You can feel his anger. You can feel his pain. You can understand her adiction, his obsession.... I.M.O., thats probably what is wrong in most of Naija music today. Its like the artistes dont believe the lyrics. And the collabos(male and female)? There's no symmetry. No chemistry. The best Naija male/female collabo i've ever heard was/is Kel and M.I. That song was a tune. You could hold the chemistry. ~~

~~ I talk about music too much I think. But If I was an artist manager, i'll lock you in the studio, give you all the equipment you need, and take away ur food, and you booze and your drugs....when desperation puts you in the zone, you'll make nothing but music. And you wont get out until I know it is music. Not a hit, min you. But that it is music. Whether or not it will blow depends on me your manager. Your duty as an artist is to make music.~~

~~Ever listened to the rap on B.O.B's "Airplanes? supports my point~~

~~Some twitter #ashtags are filarious. yesterday's #wordsnottosayonaplane (i'm wrong abi?) was on point.~~

~~I was trying to describe my colleague's face to my baby sis yesterday and she couldnt stop laughing. Apparently i'm really mean when i'm ill. I refuse to agree with that. I'm a really nice person when i'm ill. Its when i'm alright that you should be worried~~

~~I'm even nicer then :D~~

~~But Rita Dominic looks a weee bit funnay...thats not mean right? what would be mean was if I said what i really mean. which would be that she looks like a ....(ok..incredibly mean thought) ...wont say it cos its really bad..~~

~~See i'm nice~~

~~I havent been to the gym in what feels like forever. My DD cowgirls have come back home to graze. But apart from that, everything is pretty much the same. Gladness there~~

~~Guys are so funny. So the same. Doesnt matter how old at each point. Major lol-ing here~~

~~America's Got Talent. No more words needed. But seriously. Seriously! SERIOUSLY!!! GRANDMA LEE???!!! my mum went...."abeg grandmama go siddon for retirement home abi wetin you wan use money do." i could not stop laughing. Thing is I thought she was asleep and I had my head on her lap so I couldnt really tell when she woke up. ~~

~~Its my birthday soon. I'm getting older. who'da thought? heck I thought i'd be 19 forever~~

~~No matter how you dress it up, I think brown is a really ugly colour. eeew. Try grey instead. Its so everything good~~

~~See how I have refrained from talking about Wande Coal? Its only cause he was sleeping. I will also not say anything about twitter people. But ermmm...cough cough cough~~

~~I am going to eat ice cream today. Nuff said~~

~~Little sisters are precious arent they? Once they're old enough, they're never too young. Today i'm rocking my baby's earring. And they are on point!!!~~

~~I am a loyalist I think. I'd bend over backwards for the people I love. I may forget to speak to you. Forget your birthday (Eloho you need to tell me when your birthday is), But trust me, I will always be here for you. Always. Sure  sometimes I work 20hours a day and then i'm crabby and impatient and short tempered. But i am still me. Still here. ~~

That said, enjoy the rest of your week people.


#np: Find your Love ~ KidKonnect's remix.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Lost Titles

Listless....lifeless.. a million ways more than tired........drained....used...emotionless... a million ways more than uninterested....

Staring through unseeing eyes at an apparent interminable future....fragile and faithless... a million ways more than unhappy....

Rainfall and teardrops.....eyelids heavy...tearglands empty...a million ways far from sadness

Voices echoing in my mind...a city left behind...lonely and alone...the grafitti of time...unending...a million ways far from empty.....

Crashing and burning...smoke filled tents, mind wandering.....fingers straying...plastic smiles...waiting to play the joker.....a million times more than a prank

And the world keeps spinning, but here I am bowing, shoulders aching .....in the middle of it all.....adrift

#nowplaying........

Friday, July 16, 2010

Somewhere from the past

Once upon a time, there was this boy I thought I'd give everything for. Everything. I wasnt in love with him. But there was a darkness in his eyes that called to me. A certain sort of pain that called my name....,.

We met one christmas, what year it was I forget now. It was at churrasco. I was rocking rolled up boyfriend jeans, ankle boots, a white tank top and red lipstick(i rocked rolled up boyfriend jeans before princess ri ri..lol..). I looked across the bar and I saw him staring at me. Half smile on his face. And I threw my head back and laughed. He walked over to me and said "i'm going to marry you one day". And i cocked my head to one side and said "really now"......

I have always had intense relationships. Deep sadness and deep happiness. Does the fact that I mention the sadness first mean that its always been more sadness than happiness? This was no less intense than any before it. But in some ways, more.

We were never seriously physically intimate. But we connected on a level that was so much deeper. And then something bad happened to him. It broke him. Remembering it now and tears still rush to my eyes. His soul detached itself from mine and went away. And even then he'd say, "i own you". But it was over.

I tried to be there for him. I really did. But now I wonder if maybe I should have tried better. Because I see him now, and the darkness is still there. But now its darker.

He says, "so you have a boyfriend now", laughter in his voice..."do you love him?", pain in his voice. And I answer " Yes I do"....with a certainty that shocks even me. And he turns away.

I don't know if this will be the last time I ever see him....and before he left I said the same thing I said to him the first day we met. When I wasnt sure if I was gonna see him again. Be happy....

.................................................................................................................................

There'll always be someone from the past for everyone (well almost everyone). But don't let it influence your future.

Be happy.

Audeo

Monday, July 12, 2010

1:25am

I'm sat here, staring out of the double windows of the audit room and out onto the streets of VI, deep in thought. I've just read T.Notes 's post on hope and it left me thinking about how life would suck big time if one did not or could not hope....

Where would I be if i could not hope that tomorrow will be better than today? I see the homeless roaming the streets at night. Just opposite the office is a woman asleep on a bench. She's wrapped herself up tightly, no doubt to protect herself from mosquitoes. But what about rain? what if it rains? but i know that she has gone to sleep hoping that rain will not come tonight; for if it did, where would she sleep? there'll be no escaping it...

Where would we be if we could not hope that suffering and pain would come to an end? There's so much sadness in this world...if only we coul see...In the heart of a seemingly happy person lies a sadness that only he knows..and a hope that one day the sadness will end. And those poor begging children...if they couldnt hope that the next car to pass would be the one to pay for dinner, food for their bloating bellies....where would they be? perhaps lying on some sidewalk somewhere, waiting for death....

Where would the person who has been heartbroken be if he/she could not hope that one day the pain would be over? or the woman who longs for a child but cannot have one yet? or the man who goes out everyday looking for work just so that he may provide for his family.....without hope, where would the child who has been abused be if he/she could not hope that one day they'd be grown enough to leave the abusive environment? or the pain that comes from losing a loved one? without hope, where would the person left behind be?

Hope is such a strong force. It brings to light the lamps in our eyes. The will to continue living, to hustle on.

And I....if I couldnt hope that when I imagine that you'll be holding me when i go to sleep tonight, how lonely would I be? or that one day this distance would be shorter and i'd hold you again....

#np:All I Want ~ Susie Suh

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I'll Be There

Its been just over a year since Mikey passed. I wanted to write this post that day, but I couldnt. So i'm writing it now. I am remembering Michael Jackson.

What do you see in your mind when you think of MJ? Does he cross your mind as he does mine? And if he does, what do you think? What words would you associate with him? .....I remember the day he died. I fell slightly ill, especially after I'd driven in the rain (1 hour traffic on awolowo road), with my windows down and my car stereo on full blast playing MJ's music. Letting the world know in case they didnt. Mikey was gone from here. Freed from his anguish and his pain. From judging and prying eyes and those who sought to profit from every move he ever made.



I dont remember when I first fell in love with MJ. When he smiled at me through the telly and in my child's heart i decided that I'll always love this man. His music preaching love and compassion. All through the years, with every single seemingly bizarre act, it was always MJ. MJ I wanted to protect.

As humans we are quick to pass judgements on thinks we dont understand especially in an attempt to convince ourselves that we do understand. Shutting it away in some part of our judging hearts, forgetting that we do not know. We are quick to condemn the person who is not like us forgetting that God made each one different.



At work this evening I was saying how I'd heard somewhere (on the radio i think) that there were rumours that one of Mikey's kids may have vitiligo and about what a great fuck you it'll be for the people that doubted him. And my colleague said "that MJ self his own was too much" and I asked her that "who are you to judge?". And truly, who are you to judge? So what if he bleached? Will he have been the first person? Have you never bought a jar of Clear Essence? Have you never wanted to be something else? So what if he went under the knife? Gimme a break will you? I'd go under the knife right now if I could afford to. How could whatever he did to himself be so bad that you wont let it go? I'll never believe he assulted children, come hell or highwater so dont try to tell me that.


When I think of Mikey, I think about the time he won so many awards and people were screaming "we love you Michael" throughout his acceptance and he kept on saying " I love you too". I think about his amazing talent as a singer and as a performer. I think about his smile, the sadness on his face sometimes. I think about women fainting at his concerts. I think about his lithe skinny body. I think about his glove, his shoes and his crotch grab.


Today I remember Mikey the way I knew him. The man standing on his toes, knees bent forward, one arm in the air and a tendril of hair falling over one eye. And I reply, Yes Michael, I'll be there.

In my darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care, will you be there
in my trials and my tribulations, throughout doubts and frustrations
in my violencce, in my turbulence, through my fear and my confessions
in my anguish and my pain, through my joy and my sorrow and the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part, for you're always in my heart



RIP Gloved One

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Untitled - Tuesdays' Thoughts - Right rant

I'm in a very pissy mood today. Close to breaking down/losing it in fact. Ive got hormones ricocheting inside me. Its a fucking nut parade I tell you. I've gone from extremely pissed to tears in the space of one minute. Ovulation is a bitch. Give me a fucking mike and nipple patches and I might as well be Lil' kim with the way i'm cussing. Not that I care you know. It is after all my blog. So if i decide to write out the lyrics to Lil' kim's "eat my pussy right", the best you can do is cringe, not come back (please dont go, ill miss u), preach at me, or whatever else you think i'd care about.

Let me not even start cussing about the matter of hypocrisy. i'll be here the whole fucking day. And part of tomorrow. And maybe i'll win a blogger award for longest post. No? shrugs

Even the elemnts are against me. I walk out of the bank, to go to the bank and its blazing hot. Like satan's backside(don't ask how I know that.). And because Pegasus is on his period, I decided to take a taxi/walking was an option until i stepped outside. So i coulnt find a taxi and I gave up and came back in. only for the sun to disappear from the sky.

One thing I absolutely do not like about myself is that I dont know how to hold a grudge, my anger disappears almost immediately it comes and i cannot sleep if i'm upset at someone. Now some people know this, and continually take advantage of it. This isnt a fucking Dear agony aunt letter so dont give me tips on how to stay angry. I,ve already got a solution, I stop caring and the person becomes insignificant.

Now i'm normally not a bitch, neither am I catty, but some girls can get on that last raw nerve ehn. An it seems like i've had "dump crap here" written on my forehead for a few days. So my claws have come out. lemme give u a few examples:

Girl 1: Ahan bimbo, is this the only shoe you have (she said this in a group of about 5 people, who of course all laughed)
Me: ahan, sweetie. i wear these shoes cause they're comfy n shit. you, i know ur aristo. plus u mind need to check that diction, not much room at the top for people that speak like that. And u over there laughing, quit going to ikeja under bridge.

Example 2:
Girl: See her eating pizza after she'll say she's going to the gym (she said this in the audit room. other attendants present = 7)
Me: But i'm better than you now.i'm burning it off. Anyways i understand. There's no point for u cause u dont care about such things. You need to be careful tho. Obesity isnt attractive anymore

Example 3
Girl: Bimbo u look used this morning
Me: Now that you mention it, i've been meaning to tell you the same for about a week. Whoever ure fucking is obviously not doing u right

See what I mean? And its totally unintentional.

I used to have these horribly dark moods. I think they may be here again. Days when I'm so sad it seems like my heart is breaking from it and that nothing will ever be right again. For no reason. B used to have them and it infuriated  me to no end.

I feel like I am adrift in a storm. So incredibly tired. Inside and out.

"Heart dont fail me now, courage don't desert me"......"how a road can seem so long, how the world can seem so vast"

Can you tell me the source of my problems? should I tell you my dreams? I just dont know. Hold me tightly lest I fall.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The post that was meant to be called Determination but i'll call it "all over the place"

With one eye I am watching the Ghana - Uraguay match. Its penalty time. With one eye I am typing this post. But my mind is all over the place. I'll tell you why in a second.

Most people mistake my strength of will for stubborness...............

And that where that post ended. This one came instead......

....................................................................

I am a creature of will. By will God created me. I am a woman of faith. By faith I live and survive. That said, I am one of the most stubborn people I know. With a sometimes quiet and deceptively diplomatic approach, I defend the things I believe in.

I am reponsible for my own actions. Me and me only. I decide who I love and who I trust. And I seal my fate whenever I make those decisions. Neither family nor foe nor friends have a say. Am I ranting? Perhaps yes.

I trust that God has laid in front of me the path of my life. And that every decision I have ever made and will ever make will be the decisions God wants me to  make. For my betterment. The big picture if you may. And the times I err, its so that he can show me the pleasure of His forgiveness. Human beings like to be credited for the happiness of other human beings. We crave the importance that comes with recognition, forgetting that that in itself is a problem. For if you accept the responsibility for my happiness, comes with it is the burden as well. "comes fame and fortune, comes bale and woe" (quote from 'Calais'). The people who make me happy are only there because i have allowed them. I told Superman that I have forgotten the details of my relationship with my ex. I have this "gift". "Did you ever see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"?(Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey, i think), well if you did, you'll know what i mean. I have replaced every memory, bar two. It was necessary for me to do that. (why am I talking about this?)

Today I choose to be happy (Anne Frank?).

What do you choose?

..................................................................................................................

Allow me to light my own candles. Dont decide for me, what will bring me happiness. God is the architecht of my future and i am the builder. If I may, let me make my own mistakes. They are mine to make. Let me win my own battles. I do not want to share my spoils for I am selfish. Hold my hand if i ask. But if I dont, stand on the sidelines and focus on my happiness.


Peace

#np: The World spins madly on ~ The Weepies