Thursday, December 31, 2009

If I should die tonight

It's the end of a decade. A decade well lived? let god be the judge of that. But if I should die tonight, I shall say it was a beautiful decade. I made friends, and I lost friends. I became born again, and I strayed far away. I had sex, fell in love, had my heart broken and i'm mending nicely. I tested my alcohol limits and took drugs. I joined hi5, zorpia, facebook and twitter. I graduated top 2 in my class, won an award, and started a career. I fell deeply in love with music, and wrote a short story. I saw a black man become American president, and saw a nigerian try to bomb a plane. I fancied myself as a character in a tv series and often felt like I was watching my life from the outside.

I learned that we underestimate the power of self. Self-love, self-worth, Self-help, e.t.c. The things we fear we cannot do on our own, the power we feel we lack. But we can do anything we set our mind to. only if we can set the fear free. I have learned that "i restore myself when I am alone."

I learned to regret nothing. It changes nothing and spoils whatever satisfaction you have taken from a situation. It would mean to me that I have made a thoughtless decision. It would mean i lied to myself. I dont do both.

I have learned that love doesnt always stay, doesnt always come thru, but it doesnt always hurt. Not everyday. I have learned that it gives you strength, and leaves you with strength. I have learned that it makes you feel that everything is possible but also cushions you when you realise that pigs cannot fly because they do not have wings.

I have learned that speaking my mind may not always be th best thing but it is always the right thing. As a friend told me in 2000, "if you stand for nothing, you will fall for everything". I speak my mind. If you do not like it, please walk away. I assure you that you will not be lonely on that road. Too many times i have seen mistakes made because people preferred to lie than express true opinion.

I have learned than I am not perfect, no one is really. So I shall not expect others to do things the way I would. I shall however see their differences and try to work to make things better.

I have learned that friendships may not always last or relationships even. But what matters is what you leave behind. Be true.


So my dear friend, if i should die tonight, I shall do so knowing that I have learned the above. That's not bad at all.

To a decade well lived. And lots more to come. Cheers.

#np: Bang the Doldrums ~~ Fall Out Boy

Friday, December 11, 2009

~Boycott Love..........~

~I'm coming apart at the seams, pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams, now buzz, buzz, buzz, doc there's a hole where something was, doc there's a hole where something was...~

Those are the opening lines of 'Disloyal order of Water Buffaloes', an amazing song by Fall Out Boy. By now you must know that I love FOB. that being said, those lines are so hauntingly beautiful and have for the past few weeks been the summation of my state of mind, amongst other things...

However, seeing as this is my blog of light and happiness, i wont talk about those feelings here. Instead, i'll quote a line from the song and tell you what I think. This sorta feels like Harry Essang's lit class. Anyways....

"I promise you anything for another shot at life,imperfect boys with their perfect lives, nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy"

I understand the feeling of desperation, when you' give anything to have just one thing back. even for a second. And you convince yourself that if you do that thing or a combination of things, you'd have it back. You miss the lifetime that has gone by and want it back. Good or bad. It becomes an unending drug, an untameable addiction, an insatiable religion. It becomes your sole reason for everything. As you wait in vain. But in this, you almost stop talking about it. Because lets face it, nobody really wants to hear the sounds of another person's aching heart. It makes us uncomfortable. Afterall, how many sorrys can one say. So you keep it inside you. Until the desperation turns to hate, and eats you alive.

So, boycott love.....

#np: Disloyal order of water buffaloes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djgmLzTHwY

Enjoy

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Itchy Itchy Boys. Is it Break up season?

Seriously though! WTF is wrong with boys nowadays. No i'm not venting. At least not on here. But i'll ask my question again...WTF IS WRONG WITH BOYS NOWADAYS!!!

In the past three weeks, all i've heard about relationships is news of couples breaking up. or rather boys breaking up with their girlfriends and for the same inane reason. 'I'm tired'......errr.....you weren't so tired when u were climbing between her legs last night were you? What is it that causes the male species to just go funny. Now i'm not saying girls are innocent or nothing. Far from it. I even consider myself as some form of a leader of girls going funny. So thats not it. I'm merely here to examine. So i'm hoping for comments.

As to what brought on this campaign, i heard yesterday of another 'I'm tired, so i'm leaving you'....another one too many. And I just dont get it. You bandy the relationship about for weeks, months, years, and wake up one day tired. You may argue that its everyone's right to be happy and if one person doesnt bring you the happiness and fulfilment you believe you deserve then #shehastogo?....Quick question though. At what point did you first realise it? The point where you started fucking someone else? or the time when all of a sudden you realise the relationship has become a buren. My dear male friends, you dont wake up and realise anything. At first its a thought, before it becomes an action.

And what if all of a sudden, it seems like its not working anymore, is hightailing it the only option? Have you considered that there are two people in that relationship? And what about all the promises you made to the other person. Either expressly or implied? I keep saying that things said cannot be unsaid. Actions cannot be undone. I am not angry. Just full of pity.

We are all equipped to handle situations in ways that may lesson the hurt that other people might feel because of our actions. Forget the bullshit about not letting anyone be responsible for your happiness. At some point in our lives, someone else holds our happiness. What do you do with the happiness you hold? So I pity you. Whoever you are if you are reading this post and at some point have not thought of someone else's happiness before acting out your selfishness, and your inability to stay focused. There's a special hell for you. No not the one where you die first. The one that lives with you. And you may not ever understand what you have done if by your actions, you have caused another human whom you promised to love pain.

Pause. Look and Think.

#np: Right Side Of My Brain ~ The Dream

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tequila and Lime, but this time with a twist ;)

No I haven't been drinking. Well I have. Just not tequila.

Hey people. I decided to start naming my friday nights or else this post would have been titled 'On another friday night, that might have turned out to be just another friday night, only it wasnt' ..... and that would have been a bit much. And yes, this post is about a friday night. Two friday nights ago actually. The night of Lami's album lunch amongst other things.(which i shall surely talk about in a bit).

I'd planned for this friday. My dress, my hair, my shoes, my make up and all the other things people could see. What they couldnt see, I had planned for with even more ferocity than the things they could see. I had decided to play a part. I pride myself on being a good actress. Forget tears and all that. I can break out in sweat. A lot more interesting i tell you. For this friday night, I decided to play Quicksilver. In my head that'll be like Beyonce's Sasha Fierce. Without the Sasha Fierce body but nonetheless hot like fire, within reach but not quite close enough for you to hold on to. Flirtatious smile, and deceptive eyes. You know, the type that boys like. Oh and i forgot my knickers at home.

Lest i forget to mention, I spent 6 bloody hours at the hairdressers' . SIX! got home at about 8pm with a headache. BB pinging in angry frustration...err actually those where the pings of all the appointments I had cancelled because of hair, mani and pedi. I sped home to get ready. Semi-bloodshot eyes due to lack of rest. Searching frantically for my Visine and another nicotine stick to keep me awake.  Got home, jumped in the bath and emerged smelling like some fantastic wareva. you get! the dress I had chosen was a grey and black sheath. Unforgiving. So short i couldnt afford to bend over. And the gorgeous navy heels. Dark eyeshadow, pale pink lipgloss and blush later, I strutted out of the house, sans knickers of course.

Next was the mad dash to the petrol station. My tank was empty and it was almost 10pm. Thank goodness for oando on awolowo road. that sorted i headed to The Moorehouse for the first of many drinks of the night. I pushed down a double henny, smiled my Quciksilver smile and left. Next was Che. I was at least 2hours late for Voltron but waiting for me was half a bottle of voddie and good friends.

Twelve straight and loving hugs later, I headed for the Oriental. High but not quite, replenished lip gloss and that Oh so inviting smile in place i strutted into the lobby. from one man to the other. Blowing kisses here and there, smiling my way through it all. I owned my night. Staying in one place for no longer than 5minutes, leaving goodwill in my wake. Saying promises with my eyes. The ones i never intend to fulfil.

On that same high, I left Oriental and headed for Bacchus. That was over and then GET, which i still dont get btw.

Headed to Autolounge to meet up a couple of friends. One of whom decided a blow job was in order. I reckon he's still waiting for it. If you are reading this darling, I suggest you stop waiting. Aint gonna happen.

It might have been about 4.30a.m when i headed to an after party at a friend's in ikoyi. I was promised Belvedere, breakfast and some more dancing. Still in part, i added cute, spoilt and drunk. Creating a whole different Quicksilver. She was beautiful and fun. bending over mid dance, pouting and pinching.

Steak, Scrambled eggs, baked beans and toast, washed down with some more vodka and it was 6am.

Drove home with the promise of a hangover and a smile on my face.

THE TWIST

Rewind to Oriental. I met a guy who in due time, shall make really terrific music. For he already has. His rap is beautiful. Almost wistful, if you can ever call rap that. I heard one of his earlier songs called 'Ready for That' and all i can say is I'm ready for this. The song struck a chord in me. the chord that identifies with good music. It spoke to my soul and said words like "i'll heal you', 'I'll make it better'. And for everyday i have listened to this song, I have had one real smile on my face. I pray for more. His name is Loose Kaynon.

Sadly I cannot post a link to that particular song. I shall however gift you with another terrific song from Loose Kaynon. This time featuring Mr Incredible, M.I. ~ Must Be

http://uploaded.to/file/azzohu
http://nigerianhiphop.net/blog/2009/05/04/loose-kaynon-must-be-ft-mi/

Enjoy

Thursday, December 3, 2009

~Champagne for My real friends, Real pain for my sham friends~

Taking leave from Fall Out Boy to use the name of their song as the title of this post. Thanks in advance.


I love my friends. I wont tell you why. But I need to say thanks. Firstly for laughter. Oh how you guys give me laughter. Even now, when its sad and brittle. Thank you for your collective shoulders. For the outrage you feel on my behalf. For the enless pings, and phonecalls you endure as you carry me now. I am thankful.

I know that God will never give me more than I can bear, but i thank Him for sending me angels this time.

What I would not talk about. at least not here

htttp://audeo-lettersfromhell.blogspot.com

Somewhere in my imagination, in a bottle that refused to go away'

The title of this post never fails to make me laugh. it reminds me of a happier time. When i was truly happy. But i wont talk about that time. Instead i'll tell u about the bottle...

It was a wine bottle. I'd love to fib and say it was a 1978 Chateau Margaux, it was not. I dont even remember the name not to speak of its year. You might wonder why it seems like i'm trying to make you hate the bottle ab initio. i'm not. I just need to make you understand that it was an ordinary bottle.

Anyways my boyfriend and i had gone away for the weekend to this little beach resort..i'd say quaint, but it'd have to be pretty to be quaint (I.M.O). But it was a fantastic place. We even got an upgrade!!!! And the beach was clean. The sand went on for what seemed like miles. Almost sparkly. The ocean; sometimes blue, sometimes gray, sometimes green and sometimes brown. A lonely hammock swaying to the tune of the wind. Almost surely picturesque.

After dinner we walked to the beach front and contemplated the moon (couldnt find a better word). Empty bottle of wine in hand i waded about 2 feet into the water and flung dear nameless bottle of wine into the sea. As Nicholas Sparks might have in 'Message in a Bottle' and prayed that someone might find it. Not like i wrote a letter and anything sha. Imagine if a mammi water found it...ya dig?

Then i toyed with all sorts of ideas. Imagine if the bottle hit a mammi water on the head and she decides to punish me by tampering with my reality and making me think i was like that dude in 'castaway'..or imagine if there was actually a dude like that and the bottle got to him and decides to start worshipping it instead, and the ball decides to haunt me because i took away its devotee...

So i willed the bottle to come back...i knelt at the sea and howled at the moon(ok that was for an entirely different reason).

The next morning i decided to run along the shore, bottle forgotten. I figured i could take the ball down and pacify the mammi water...so i ran, or jogged, or speed walked along the shore, dodging crab holes (ever had a crab crawl into ur knickers?, well neither have i and i wasnt about to find out how it'd feel) staying at least 2 feet away from the water's edge. And ran into the bottle. and stumbled, and fell.

I held up the bottle, triumphiant. like a king would in bringing home spoils from battle. I held the bottle and saw that it had fought a battle with the sea. and it won.

I didnt take the bottle home. I filled it with sand and buried it buy the shore. If you go there, and you stumble across my bottle because it has refused to stay buried, please say hi.

#whispering : i havent flown of my rocker..not yet. i just really liked dear nameless bottle

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

#deepdowninside

"#deepdowninside: I want to be different." "#deepdowninside: I want to be stronger, I want to be taller, I want to be lighter, shorter, thinner, fatter","deepdowninside: I want him/her to like me", "#deepdowninside: I don't want to be here".....These are not my desires. Neither are they the desires of any particular person....I borrowed the hashtag from twitter just so that I can write about what we really want. The desires we keep to ourselves, sometimes out of fear, sometimes because we know that if we do want we want we may disturb the balance of karma or some higher power. The things we want to do but don't because we know we may hurt those closest to us with our single mindedness as one might if one was finally allowed to do the things they deeply desire.
Thanks to my twit family I was privy to a sample of the things we want deep down inside and I realised that we all want basically the same things, even though everytime, the actions that lead us to our goals differ. We all crave acceptance, we all want to be successful in our chosen careers, we all want to be different. We want to love and be loved. We want to let go of our protective sheilds and be free. We want the freedom that is found in true happiness, for only then can we be truly free to dream.
#deepdowninside we want money.Tons of it,but without looking like that was the main goal. So we try to cover it up with words like achievement and fulfilment. #deepdowninside we want to have sex whenever and with whomever and not be called to task for it. #deepdowninside we detest responsibility for the pressure but crave it for the acceptance. #deepdowninside we want to do the things we want not out of reason but out of passion. Sometimes we scoff at creativity but inwardly we crave it. We want the glamour and recognition but outwardly strive to look unconcerned by it.#deepdowninside we want our partners to be wealthy and humble. Caring but firm.
I won't say what I want deepdowninside. But I can tell you about the things that inspire me and perhaps you might deduce from them the desires of my heart.I am inspired by music,by the stories that it tells,its truths and its lies. I am inspired by colour. Its ability to change my mood in a second. I am inspired by fabric and texture's ability to lend an eye to fashion. I am inspired by rainfall the freshness and newness it brings. I am inspired by laughter for in that I find my freedom. I am inspired by toil. For the hope and faith it preaches.I am inspired by friendship. Yours. I am inspired by passion.yes that one. The mindlessness and the moments of intense clarity. This is my passion, my addiction. This is my inspiration and my celebration.

"#deepdoninside:I wnt 2 create things dt are gorgeous & functional without any restrictions", "#deepdoninside:I want a glove, and a straw... And white shoes. And a baby. Dont know why.", "#deepdowninside:I just want to be free."

#nowplaying: 'Breakaway" ~ Kelly Clarkson

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Sometimes,my heart stops

I'm smiling. Not the smile that signifies that one is pleased with something. But the type that signifies the state of one's life. The type that allows laughter to spring forth. Not the laughter of amusement,but the one induced by joy.

So I may say I am joyful. I don't need to say why,you already know. So I'll say something you don't know. My heart stops. No not in a heart attack way,else I'll probably not be writing this post, it stops for a second everytime you smile at me. For in that smile I am reborne. I feel us growing, towards each other, and no I am not afraid. I feel us feeling our way around this thing we've discovered.Not as one looking for the right path in darkness, but as one seeking to try new things, and that in itself is a signal of courage. I hear your thots as clearly as if they were mine, and I know you hear mine as clearly as if they were yours. Your eyes tell me everything you don't say with your mouth.

So I'm sitting here, growing and learning and knowing and loving.

Here's to you, for everytime my heart stops beating.

#nowplaying 'Light on my shoulder' ~ Susie Suh

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Relics of a Friday Night. Last night and once upon a time

I love friday nights,or rather I used to. I love dressing up to go out. I love planning every detail.The hair,the underwear,the accessories,the perfume,the shoes, and finally the outfit. However,my dear friend,those are the only things I plan for. I don't plan for the madness, or the excitement. I don't plan to stumble out of the club grinning like a buffoon at 4am and hurrying to grab some chinese to soak up the alcohol. No I don't plan for it. But I relish it. Took a trip down memory lane recently and these are the things I dug up;

June 2006: At Churrasco with Karima,Lateefah and Abby. Doing BOGOF on cocktails.of course the bartenders didn't know about that.but there were lotsa people and surely they didn't mind. Especially when I was leaninig over the bar in that slinky halter and ordering the "free" drinks. Met my ex,ex,ex that night.now I know what mother meant when she said don't meet a guy in the club

Sept 2007: At the 21st bday bash.Ex,Ex Ex bf gave me E pills and a crate of champagne as bday presents.(See what I meant abt meeting guys at the club). I was higher than high and remember two things from that night;kissing a random chic and rubbing vigorously against a pole at The Vault.was wearing a dress.

July 2008: In Abuja on a job. Met the hunky half brazilian boy unpredictably called Luis. Went out together and then went back to his. Was seeing "boyfriend" signs until I went into his all black marble bathroom to freshen up and I saw a tray with six lines of cocaine on the bathroom table. He even offered to lick it off my stomach.I muttered something abt it being the wrong time of the month and running out. For once I wasn't drnk. Thank God.

Decemeber 2008: Finally realised that was not my friend after a two-day old hangover.

September 2009: Drinks with friends turn out to be a fab night.woke up at 2pm the next day missing a fingernail(artificial) , with a huge bump on my forehead.

See why I love fridays?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Good Part

I don't have enough words. Just thinking about this man brings tears to my eyes. He told me that I'm that blank piece in scrabble, the part that completes all his words. But how do I get him to understand that I know that. And I know that he's that part of me...the good part. I was the one with the fully depreciated heart. I didn't have anything else to give. Because I had given up on giving. But how did he know that I had that store. That part that I always kept back. The part that was always on the outside looking in. I see him looking at me and I know what he's thinking.I see the love in his eyes. He cannot believe it and neither can I. How am I supposed to have the words for that. I can't call it love because I don't know what love is, for I haven't seen it before. For if I have, I may recognise it. So here I am, holding him in my heart, holding tightly lest I wake up and he's gone, as a dream might if one woke up. So I'm telling him that I know what I feel. What I know. He holds me. My essence, my being. If ever such a thing was possible, I have seen it. And I'm not dreaming. He's the good part. And I love the good part.
#nowplaying "so into you" ~ Fabulous ft Ashanti

Monday, September 14, 2009

Things are Different now. For now.

You know how it is when you just get into a relationship. Everything is different. Brighter, more colourful, seems like everyone is happier. You feel almost...invincible. Yes you know what i mean. Now i'm not referring to a shag and drop, but a real relationship. the type that involves two people that care for and about each other and are excited about each other. Yes, that type. The type that realises that game has met game, but identifies it, and drops it. The type that involves telling each other the truth. Yes, that type. So do you remember? aaaahh. I can see that you do.

I'm sure that by now you'd have guessed that I am the recepient of such a fate. Yes...I am. I am in such a relationship. I find that my steps are lighter, music sounds better, the clouds are bluer, the sun is brighter and my smile is wider. The 'ping' of my blackberry messenger never sounded sweeter. Kissing has never been this fun. The world is a better place.

Should i talk about him? I fear that I should not else I jinx it. But i shall say this, I thank God for him. For the happiness in my heart, for the poetry he sends to me, for everytime he opens the door for me to walk through, for everytime he pulls out the chair for me to sit. For everytime he says "my girlfriend"and for every sacrifice he makes, for I know he makes them and for the music he has sent my way. I am learning him and he is learning me.

I know its new and this might pass. But i wont forget the happiness I feel right now. At this moment, sitting at my desk, the smile on face, my earphones in my ear, writing this post.

#nowplaying "Heartbeats" - Jose Gonzales

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Of Kismet, Of Dejavu,of randomness,of order and all things inbetween

Long header right? I know.Started writing this post two weeks ago when the header formed itself in my mind. But I didn't havr a body.Now I do.
Life as I've learnt,happens. The only way to stop it frim happening is to die.drastic right? So I decided to always flow with it, seeing as I'm not in the mood to kill myself. Life comes with good and bad,fortune, fame, and misfortune. How you deal with it is entirely up to you. I have learnt that life doesn't owe you any apologies. It was here first and can do what it likes.

I have also learnt that some things are unexplainable. No matter how hard science tries. Like meeting someone you've never seen before but u can swear that you have seen the person before. Or something happens and u can swear that the same thing has happened before. Or meeting someone and feeling that that is why u were created. Your purpose is to love that person completely and without holding anything back. That I believe is unexplainable.
I didn't plan this,didn't plan to be in love,didn't even want it. Now I know that I cannot be me without this love. I have seized to find order in life. To go with it,because it brought me you. And you brought me love.

I have also learnt that although life throws you curveballs,digs trenches infront of you and erects mountains infront you, YOU are the author of your destiny. And you write your destiny the split second in which you decide how to react to a situation.Do you run and hide?, do you cower in fear with ur arms over ur head? Or do u jump on a surfboard,shake ur head in laughter and glide through or over it. Whatever you choose, know that you are changing you fate, in a split second.

What do you choose? I chose to surf.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Brand Nu

I guess you're wondering if i've suddenly experienced an epiphany and have suddenly changed my ways. No such luck darlings. I'm still the same mean lascivious human i know. I hope! Anyways, i have'nt seen any visions and i'm not the one that is "brand nu". It's Drake's "Brand New" that has got my knickers in a twist so badly that i have to blog about it.

Have you heard this song?if you have'nt, google it. Its a fantastic piece of work. The ultimate baby-making song. Makes you wanna do things. The melody caresses you while ur driving home from work at 10pm, tired and cranky. The words speak to your unconscious mind and ask you.."is anything he's/she's doing brand new?" This song is sexy in its form and its content. when i listen to this song, it feels like im eating oysters. Decadent.

Anyways, here's a lil gift from me to you. Enjoy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggHJwJ-KpF0

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Return

So i've been away awhile. almost a year and a half! But i'm back. Alot has happened. too much infact. Ive had my heart broken time after time, and i've broken a few hearts, but never the same one twice. The last year plus has seen me happy at times, and sad most times. But ive missed this. I've missed pouring my heart out like this. Many a time i have woken up with tears on my lashes cos i took my pain with me to sleep. But my heart has healed itself many times over. Too much infact because as i write this I fear that i have lost the inability to truly care about someone. The person that told me i was going to lose that childlike innocence and naivete was right. She was damn right.

However, i will not bore you with my pain nor trouble you with my fears. I will neither want you to experience my hurt nor expect you to want my happiness. Therefore, i shall tell you about my escape, my music, my life.

Music has always been there for me. Even when i went days without listening to him, he'd still be there. Music is the food that my soul eats, he is the tonic that heals my heart. When Tunji* said he was getting married to someone else, he held my heart in his hand and let me cry as he spoke soothing words into my ears. He filled me when i wouldnt eat for days cos i felt like my life had ended so there was no need. He saw me when my eyes were puffy from crying and lack of sleep and comforted me till i could face the world.

Music stayed up with me when i stayed up all night cos i couldnt sleep for fear of bad dreams. Music listened when i poured out my heart, worried that my life would never be the same again. He held my broken heart and pieced it back together. He filled in for the pieces that were lost along the way and nourished my hearts wounds so that it didnt scar. And when i was ready to walk alone,he whispered soothing words at me, not intruding, but giving me strength when i needed it. When i lay my head to sleep at night, my face hurting from sticking a smile in place cos i was afraid that any other facial expression would lead me to burst into tears, he would tell me things that eased my tension and the headaches that just wouldn quit. I am short for words.

Music laughs with me when I laugh and grieves with me when i grieve. He stays awake with me when i need to be and takes me to sleep when I need to. he listens to my dreams and helps me with my hopes. He admits my bad manners and indulges the quirks in my nature. He's always there. Even now as i write this post.

So seating here in my training, i'm with one ear listening to the lecturer and with the other, listening to my music and again i am reminded that no matter what happens or where i am, i can "lie in the sound" and let music take over.

#now playing.......