Wednesday, February 1, 2012

*insert title here*

16th January: watching London's skyline disappear into the distance. And I can feel my heart ache. Partly I'm sure because I am listening to the most beautiful symphony I have ever hear on the in-flight stereo. Beethoven? Strauss? Can't quite place the composer.

I was broken and now I am mended. I was adrift but now I found an anchor. But at what cost? The truth is I've realised that I feel nothing. Neither for the one I always feel I'm leaving behind nor for the one I'm returning to. Is it that I have trained myself not to feel and have finally become the person I was pretending to be for so long? Again, at what cost?

26th January: ok let me rephrase. I feel. But I have learnt to isolate those feelings. Like someone hiding from something happening right in front of them. Last night I realised that I have become selfish with my happiness. Very protective of my sanity. In ways I never was. I have learnt to replace people as soon as they leave. Or as soon as I leave. I have done a lot of leaving lately. Running? You decide.

1 February : the bad part is that I cannot write. I think my ability to stemmed from the fact that I used to be very giving. I'd hand myself over. Open, willing, unashamed. That much has changed. I am guarded. I am the gatekeeper. Overlooking what? Myself? that must be it. My quest is for a spotless mind. Someone called me tortured yesterday. By myself is what he said. Self-torture may very well be your downfall. Or it may save you. You torture yourself by holding back. What hurts more?

What hurts more?

Its the trusting. I don't. Not in the way that you think. I have no time for such foolishness. I just trust humans to fail. So I am prepared for it. Foolproof plan in my opinion. Can you tell even now that there's things I am not saying? Does it make me sound less sincere than I should?v the only reason I'm writing now is so that I can maybe free some space in my mind. But I'm spending too much time trying not to say what I really want to say.
And in front of it all is a smile that doesn't belong to me and the same words said over and over again. I am fine. Great actually.

Now playing : Come back when you can - Barcelona
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Finding my Way

I am sitting at the table in the darkness, listening to the darkness and the silence keeps screaming at me. Save for the ticking of the clock as it finds its way into 2012 there's little else but the sounds of fireworks filtering into the penthouse apartment. And I am at peace. It is so silly how I cry at the littlest things these days...perhaps a product of the wonder in my heart. Appreciating every little spurt of happiness because I fought for it. I fought to be here.

Again, I am in London. This time not to search for clarity as I needed last year. But to bury an aunt who succumbed to cancer in December. I decided not to go for the cross-over service tonight because I wanted time to reflect upon the past year, and to allow my heart seek out the Lord. Its never been easy for me to connect to God in the midst of a multitude of people. And I just need to put my head in His laps and say thank You.

2011 was a good year. For the most of it I ambled along, lost and in pain. My heart heavy, my soul worn and hopes withered. Even with the clarity I found at the start of the year it was hard to stay afloat. But God held on to me and kept me. And I am oh so thankful.

In July I handed in my resignation. I really cannot say in all honesty what it was that prompted that decision. Afterall, I didnt have anything else lined up and I had no concrete plans as to what I wanted to do with myself. I left KPMG in August, heart in hands and dreams bigger than my mind could even comprehend. And God carried me and laid straight the path before me. And I am so thankful

Thing is, like they say, even if I had a million mouths, it wouldnt be enough. Battered and weary, torn and broken and bruised. But He mended me and blessed me. With amazing friends and love which keeps on giving.

And so now I am going to try to find my way. This year I shall try to make great the gifts He has given me. I have no resolutions save two.

And for you my dear readers, I shall pray this prayer:

May your paths be straight and your journey be easy. May your hearts be light and your burdens pleasant. May the roads rise up to meet you and may you and yours pass through the eye of the needle before it shuts. And may God lift up the light of His countenance upon you and give you peace.

Happy new year. God be good to you all. Be good to yourselves above all.

Much love