Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Maybe Tomorrow

I am not confused. Infact, in the past few days i have been beset with seemingly endless moments of absolute clarity. I have been blessed with the ability to dissect a situation into micro moments, each one leading to the other, and understanding. Hearing the words not being said. The German will probably put it down to our just having completed "Lie to Me". I'd say its not. I find that recently I can dissociate myself from my emotions. Like completely cut-off. I believe I have Tili to thank for this. Tili, beloved alter ego.

I am Tili. The side that comes out only at parties and I have moved in for a while. Exactly when, i do not know. and frankly, dont care. I dont hate men. Far from it. I love them and would fuck in a heartbeat because i'm convinced that is all they are good for. I see through all the bullshit, pretend to be Abi for tenderness (when it is required), and find the truth. I see past the 'i want to know you and care for you" right through to the "i want to fuck your brains out". I dont want sentiments. I'll confuse you into thinking I want your emotions.or that I feel it. And I know.

In comes Salt. He wants to heal Abi he says.....and Abi believes him. He wants to take away her pain. He wants her to trust him I mean whats not to believe. He tries so hard to convince her. But the problem is that he doesnt know that there have been others like him. Beginning with the youngun. The youngun had all the pretty words and a girlfriend. *insert sneer here* and I knew what he wanted and let him have it. Abi needed comfort. Next came The Cultured one. He had more pretty words and a wife. *insert hard sneer* I didnt let him take Abi. She was better then and didnt need him so much. Even if she was on a speedboat to self-destruction and he offered stability. And Salt is here. and is saying the same things. Its almost like there's a school that teaches this stuff.He's almost perfect for Abi and she wants to own him. But i have been at least two steps ahead of him all the way. Playimg him nicely. Baiting him, leading him on. Caressing his ego. I see him, and I know. He is Salt and he has pretty words and a girlfriend.

I'm not as gullible as Tili thinks. I can see through Salt. I always have. He hasnt quite perfected the art of the "User". Even then, I do not have the willpower to resist him. Because I feel that he strugles with himself on this one. Then again, I may be wrong. So i made Tili come. Wasn't hard that one. Just cried my eyes out one night. Salt hates Tili. Yeah I told him about her. Lol. I tell him that sex is easy. cos she doesnt care. Tili wont let him take my heart. For that, I am grateful.

Then there's the german. We both love him. And he loves us both. He knows me and I know him. And i believe.

Anyways, i love having Tili here. She's brave and silly. She's the 'touched' part of me. The darkness. Maybe one day i wont need her so much or maybe i always will. Maybe one day she wont be so hard. Maybe not. Maybe one day i'll let her go. Maybe not, Maybe tomorrow.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

~~Tuesday's Thoughts~~

Its tuesday again and seeing as Ive decided to make this a tradition, here I am, falling asleep at my desk, giving you a free pass into my mind. For all of the duration of this post, of course.

~~Firstly, if my tweets for the last few days have been anything to go by, i'm slightly obsessesed with sex at the moment. Its not my fault. I listened to Sex Therapy rmx and Reverse Cowgirl on the same day. its left an indelible mark~~

~not too certain indelible was the appropriate word. or that my spelling of appropriate is correct~~

~i'm really craving a mojito. like this very moment. Same way i'm craving the oppurtunity to "put my arms in the air, wave 'em round and go aaaahhh, eeeh, aaah uuu"

~i should stop listening to this song. its been on repeat since yesterday. I've been like "giddy up, giddy up" to PSB. who btw has declared his intention to inspect my body parts~

~actually that may have been my fault *insert cheeky grin here* afterall, i did forward that 10 sex facts/tips article to him. Next thing he wants to test the 3 inch thingamajig with me. Kai......~

~i'm bursting out of my jacket. and it was baggy when i bought it. idton tdire. even climbing the bleudeh stairs to the 12th floor every other day hasnt helped my expanding arse. #deepsigh~

~it's very hard to find an apartment in this nonsense lagos. plus all the prices in castle should be inclusive of agent fees and rubbish. ahan! at this rate i'll have to move my mattress out of my father's house when i eventually find that apartment~

~Chikodi is a goat. still laughing from our convo yesterday~

~i know i decided to be nicer this year, and i've tried my best. But this girl's mouth odor is pushing it. even at 10am this morning. and i'm tired of buying tom tom every morning~

~i can't wait to be in abj this weekend...giddy up, giddy up...aaaahh eeeehhh aaaa~


~i am really not alright.~

~i'll miss this client. one of my favorites. and they always take care of me :'(  ~ (plus i kinda started scoping on of the client's staff today. why do i have to leave tomorrow) ~

~Unit evaluations are next week. and i havent done my dialogue for any. sheeeeeet. whose  belly do i have to rub~

~speaking of clients, i totally wanna kill one. wonder what the going rate for hired assassins is but seeing as i'm skint, i'll shag for an assassin.(doesnt sound as good as "will fuck for food: but u get sha). i promise it'll be worth your prison sentence. wonder what the going punishment is for murder. 20 to life?~

~iAdore the body pens @miss_jayla got me. tastes mighty good i hear~

~#imfromteam Arse-shaving...rotflmao~

~I'm really happy. really really happy. and i am not tolerant of people with spelling deficiencies. and i am not sorry about it.~

~yay! new(recycled ministers) bleurgh~

~i wanna work for Lagos State Government. giddy up giddy up~

~checkout Up yours Billi. u cant say anything after this u know~

~Tweetforcharity on my mind. can someone please tell me how to save it as my twitter avatar. i've been trying since. ~

~i wonder where my nude photos cd went to. imagine if daddy found it. the only moving out i'll be doing is room to dining~

~anyways, i'm thinking i should get back to work. i have enjoyed this post.~

p.s....put it in reverse cowgirl ladies

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

~~~Tuesday's Thoughts~~

I feel particularly silly doing this. Actually its not Tuesday thinking, duh! its just lil' (well not so little me) thinking. My thoughts are sometimes kinda random. But I've seen something like this on Londondiva's blog and i enjoyed it immensely. So here we go.

~i'm thinking now that i've forgotten all the things i wanted to write in this post~

~mtn should rallly stop sending me text messages in the middle of the night. i acknowledge that I used up one free day of BIS (i'm thinking this sentence structure is wrong) but does that mean they have to start hounding me?~

~i'm not all that interested in politics. i dont read the paper, ok, hardly. so why do these hotel people keep shoving them beneath my door at 7am, managing to wake me up when i never plan to be up until 7.05~

~lagos is incredibly dusty. I heard the acid rain gist and i'm wondering what the appropriate covering for my car would be...hmm..what is acid resistant? perhaps I should have listened to the gist better. barely got past the title~

~i really enjoy talking to my ex. kinda reminds me of why I loved him in the first place~

~Now I remember~

~i realise that i have become an unforgiving person. not in a bad way. if thats possible. ok, not unforgiving. I just adjust my expectations of people.~

~i'm back on my die-t.  my arse is exploding, which is not such a bad thing as my best mate Nnamdi says. but I really dont want to buy new clothes just yet. salads and protein are my friend~

~About Nnamdi, i struggle (well not really) to understand the fascination with him. Half the time I want to beat him with a stick. But he's so incredibly sweet. And has always been there. bleh~

~i miss Eloho. Horribly. I know you'll read this so just so you know. and i spelt ur name correctly~

~Why is my colleague always trying to stare into my eyes. DUDE!!!. last time i took a file to hs room, he opened the door wearing the tiniest boxers, offered me a seat on the bed and almost shoved his balls in my face(insert sick emoticon from bbm here).lest I forget he's fat and always sweaty. so they'd probably have been sweaty. insert another sick emoticon~

~I'm gonna see my bestmate from childhood soon. will she have changed? probably~

~I still cant decide on where to go on my vacation. I definitely want to do two places, but cant be arsed to go through the visa-ing  process.~

~I'm thinking Monaco and New York. Or London and New York. Or Spain and New York. Thing is i'm confused. Plus staring at Saks through google maps has made it worse. I practically walked in~

~I should start buttering daddy up~

~I should put like pictures and pretty stuff on my blog. atink.?~

~I really wish my friend and his girlfriend would get back together. It breaks my mind. yes, mind. i dont think there's a heart there anymore.~

~at some point i'm gonna have to be with someone, i think. emotions scare me right now~

~I need to start applying for schools. I cant decide about that either. Wharton or MIT ? :s~

~Should I answer comments on my blog :s~

~I really will delete anyone who sends me forwarded messages on bbm. well useless forwarded messages~

~When I check out of the hotel this weekend, I will have lived in hotels for 3 straight months. very good for late night booty calls~

~I cant wait to get my place. :D~

~I still cant remember what I planned to write about. #deepsigh~

#lastthot - That photo might look out of place on the blog. #kanyeshrug

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I've never believed in fairies. Or by extension, fairytales. Hogwash. Never yearned for pink ballgowns or a dream prince either. My childhood fantasies were made of swatches of color and yarn and cashmere. Of pelt and plume. And music. And revolving doors and responsibility. Of books, ooh. Nothing beats the smell of a new book. But things change.

Black and white often replaces color and gray becomes chic. We exchange fur for something less gratifying to accord to political correctness and social acceptabilty. And the music suffers. We forget the heart and soul and create popularity. True art, forgotten for the mundane. The less conspicuous. As children, we are led to believing that an outcast although no less unique than the pureblood is shall I say, unacceptable. Forgetting that therein lies the problem. Believing that because something is not like the other, does not automatically imply or establish for that matter, that it is less.

I am an accountant. With a fantastic mind and a grasp for numbers and what they imply. But on any given day, ill tell u I'd rather be shut in a cottage somewhere, snow outside my doors, with a wine celler and the makings of a book in my hands. I like the tortured, less acceptable genius. The forgotten. A social commentary of sorts. But I amble along. Doing that which I can and not that which I want.

I can paint pictures with my mind. Vivid and vibrant. Pulsating and pulsing with life. I can tell u a million words and a million different ways. Alas, I do not. I see only the black and white. And sometimes blue , of a million excel spreadsheets. Neither giving time to wonder nor to appreciate. Where do the words go. Neither stopping to marvel , always a formula, a hyperlink and something called vlookup that I have never learned to use.

You may wonder what I am infact writing about. If you do, then you have learnt nothing at all.

Make music if you will. Tell stories if u will. Make true art if you will. But stop and think. Are you doing the acceptable?

Have a lovely weekend.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Mothers: Angels and Warlords

Its Mother's Day, so Happy Mother's Day to my mother and yours.

I didnt need to look for inspiration to write this one.Afterall she's been there for all my entire two decades plus. I love my mama. For everytime she threw a broom at me and for everytime she hugged me. I love her for every time she kissed my father and for every time she frowned at him. I love her for the invaluable lessons she taught me. Some made me fat (waste not, want not) and others made strive (the only person who can make you is you).

Growing up, mama didnt spare the rod (hated her for it then, evil witch) even for her golden child (me, of course). I remember one day when I was about 11 when I skivved off after school lesson to go hang out at a friend's house. Actually i'd asked for her permission but she said no. I went anyways. Then she sent the driver to pick me up after school and take me there. The driver got to my school and I wasnt there. Feeling like a smart child, I went back before lesson ended and said I'd been there all along. When the driver took me home, she flogged me with an old washing machine cord. (Lesson learnt: If you're gonna do something bad, be smart about it). Then she came to my room later with a bowl of warm water and salve to take care of my bruises and said 'I love you ,you silly child' when she was done.

Mother was quick to embrace and she was quick to support. If there was a major decision to be made, she'd ask me what I wanted to do, and made me think about the pros and cons and let me make the decision myself. Then she'd say "remember that you are the one making the decisions and its your life. So do what is best." She instilled in me a sense of responsibility for my future and I can only thank her and God for that.

Mother. My protector. She'd take the heat for me anytime. Everytime. And of course reprimand me in private. She'd believe my story first. Always. The battles she's fought on my behalf. On her knees and on her feet. I love her dearly.

Mama taught me to wear makeup. She taught me to take care of my skin. She taught me to walk with my shoulders facing up (erect). She didnt teach me to cook however. Just said, well if you dont cook, you'll starve. And she ate my first offering of egusi soup with relish, albeit lumpy and overly maggied up. She taught me that it is good to love a man and that there is no shame in it. She taught me to acknowledge my faults andd say sorry, even though I am more stubborn than a mountain goat.

My mummy, my angel and my number 1 fan. As I watch her growing older, laugh lines appearing and staying put, grey hair at her temples, I am reminded of how blessed I am to be blessed with her. Thank you God for i couldnt have asked for better.

I love you mummy, for everytime you say God bless you my dear daughter. For indeed he has. From the lips of an angel, to His ears.

Happy Mother's Day