Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Maybe Tomorrow

I am not confused. Infact, in the past few days i have been beset with seemingly endless moments of absolute clarity. I have been blessed with the ability to dissect a situation into micro moments, each one leading to the other, and understanding. Hearing the words not being said. The German will probably put it down to our just having completed "Lie to Me". I'd say its not. I find that recently I can dissociate myself from my emotions. Like completely cut-off. I believe I have Tili to thank for this. Tili, beloved alter ego.

I am Tili. The side that comes out only at parties and I have moved in for a while. Exactly when, i do not know. and frankly, dont care. I dont hate men. Far from it. I love them and would fuck in a heartbeat because i'm convinced that is all they are good for. I see through all the bullshit, pretend to be Abi for tenderness (when it is required), and find the truth. I see past the 'i want to know you and care for you" right through to the "i want to fuck your brains out". I dont want sentiments. I'll confuse you into thinking I want your emotions.or that I feel it. And I know.

In comes Salt. He wants to heal Abi he says.....and Abi believes him. He wants to take away her pain. He wants her to trust him I mean whats not to believe. He tries so hard to convince her. But the problem is that he doesnt know that there have been others like him. Beginning with the youngun. The youngun had all the pretty words and a girlfriend. *insert sneer here* and I knew what he wanted and let him have it. Abi needed comfort. Next came The Cultured one. He had more pretty words and a wife. *insert hard sneer* I didnt let him take Abi. She was better then and didnt need him so much. Even if she was on a speedboat to self-destruction and he offered stability. And Salt is here. and is saying the same things. Its almost like there's a school that teaches this stuff.He's almost perfect for Abi and she wants to own him. But i have been at least two steps ahead of him all the way. Playimg him nicely. Baiting him, leading him on. Caressing his ego. I see him, and I know. He is Salt and he has pretty words and a girlfriend.

I'm not as gullible as Tili thinks. I can see through Salt. I always have. He hasnt quite perfected the art of the "User". Even then, I do not have the willpower to resist him. Because I feel that he strugles with himself on this one. Then again, I may be wrong. So i made Tili come. Wasn't hard that one. Just cried my eyes out one night. Salt hates Tili. Yeah I told him about her. Lol. I tell him that sex is easy. cos she doesnt care. Tili wont let him take my heart. For that, I am grateful.

Then there's the german. We both love him. And he loves us both. He knows me and I know him. And i believe.

Anyways, i love having Tili here. She's brave and silly. She's the 'touched' part of me. The darkness. Maybe one day i wont need her so much or maybe i always will. Maybe one day she wont be so hard. Maybe not. Maybe one day i'll let her go. Maybe not, Maybe tomorrow.