Monday, November 29, 2010

"With tired eyes, tired hopes and a tired heart, I slept"

Sometimes we give up. Sometimes it hurts too much to keep on trying....especially when so much has happened. Seemingly insurmountable odds... and with a resignation in your heart, you raise that white flag. With palms bruised from holding on, eyes tired from keeping watch, you silently give up. With hopes spent and a heart hurting from longing, you inwardly acknowledge that perhaps this is too much. And even as you wordlessly accept defeat, walking away from the scene, leaving everything behind, you cant stop yourself from crawling right back and taking some of it with you. A reminder, no matter how flawed, of things best left behind, but not forgotten. Never forgotten.



Sunday, November 7, 2010

Days of Destiny

There was a day when I laughed till I felt my innards were gonna fall out. That was a good day. There was also a day when I cried like my innards were gonna fall out. That was also a good day. You might ask why it was...well I'lll tell you. Those were the days when I felt more alive than ever. The ability to feel something so acutely that it draws such pure and primitive emotion from within.

These days I rarely have that. Not because I don't want to, or that there aren't things to laugh or cry about. But there's none that has made my knees weak, that has caused my heart to flutter and my eyes to squeeze themselves shut. Oh scratch that. There was such a day recently. That day I had to make a decision. The weight of it nearly brought me to my knees. The pain stopped my heart and blocked my ears. I typed the words witthout really seeing them. But I felt alive.

I am not here to celebrate pain. Only to find out if you know when you're alive. Have you in any moment felt that tingle? the hairs at the back of your neck rising, telling you that something is happening. How do you know that you are alive? Is it because you pinch your skin and feel pain? Or is there some other way?

Recently I've had to throw old dreams away and re-invent new ones. But I realise that the new ones are the ones which have been there all along. And the help I have needed, I have had all along. And like the re-setting of broken bones there has been much pain. But I am alive and I know it.

And I know without a doubt that these are the days of destiny.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I tried to write a litttle introduction to this. To tell you how long a year its been. How i've struggled with my own personal issues, as well as the issues that life has gifted me with. But i wont write that because it is mostly irrelevant, Becasue now i choose to look past it all and instead see God's hand. And of that, I am thankful.

I read neefemi's post today (Happy belated birthday sugar. I'll call you soon) and I was inspired to do this (especially as my last few posts have been all gloom and doom) ...

This year has taught me a lot. It has taught me that people come and go and you can either sit down and wail about it or you can accept that frienships dont always last and that some people are only meant to be there for a while and that you can cherish it and hold the memories close. Recently I asked someone if she missed me at all...her reply was "hi". At first that hurt, then it didnt. Becasue i understood. I have also learned that although i have become jaded and less willing to give of myself, that in time I may return to the way I once was. This year has taught me to be sufficient for me. To draw strength from myself. And trust me i learnt that lesson the hard way. I have also learnt that not everyone wants what is best for you, even if you want whats best for them. I have learnt to look for healing in the right places, to keep my mouth shut when i need to and to scream for help when I'm drowning. I have learned to appreciate the good in others ....and to also appreciate the bad. Man is not a perfect being....apparently. kmt..I have learned to laugh even harder and to smile even wider. Because sometimes, just sometimes, even when the smile did not start from the pit my belly, that eventually it will reach downwards into it. And that sometimes, a fake smile is ok. Just so that the people around you dont have to worry too much.

I dont think i can ever completely write about my love for music and the healing and hope it brings me.

A lotta people say i'm vain. I say i'm appreciative. I am thankful for my looks. Not just because of me. But because my pretty smile also causes others to smile. Isnt that reason enough?

Remembrance :
You know that feeling when someone just remembers you and decides to check up on you? I am thankful for that. A old friend did that yesterday. And I was floored. I miss you dear friend. But days like yesterday remind me that it is worth it. And that after so long, you still know how to make me smile. I love you.

Scented candles and Personal space:
Of late, my bedroom has become my sanctuary. the place where I de-stress and replenish. The bed head is lined with about 16 glass bowls of scented candles. From peach to lemon to green tea.

And to God, who has for now, blessed me with these, I am thankful.