Monday, February 22, 2010

Only ever been you

its only ever been you. I know how saying this might seem incongruous to you dear reader, pitiful perhaps, but see it as you must. Saying stuff like that might imply that you have been with someone for eons. But when you've had years of something different, one other thing seems like a lifetime. Perhaps therein lies my favourite question, "where were we before our lives began?". This life not as you would think it to be, say perhaps the existence of breath in one's lungs. But the life which you start when u feel something in you has changed. That point when you feel something is different. Lest I stray too far from my course, hold on tight.

I am lying in my bed, naked and its past midnight. I'd put the time to be somewhere close to 1am, due to the number of times the generator has gone on and off. Yeah #lightupnigeria. Anyways I'm here struggling for sleep and just before I drift off, the words "its always been you" came to my mind. And I have this urge to tell him. Not in a please come back or I die way. Past that stage already thank you very much. But in a "just so you know" way. Because my life began the first time I said "I love you".

When a relationship ends, people expect you to just jump up and continue living, as if scaling over that last speed bump in the road. And not even those mountain high ones, where u feel the entire innards of ur car are gonna fall out. But those really low ones that I feel are there just so u feel the government have tried for u and if u don't slow down, well...whatever happens. Sorry again I meander off.... But my point is people expect u too just move on. Like words weren't said, feelings felt, hands held or tears wept.

What exactly I'm meant to be writing about, I don't even know. I'm not really sure. My first thought was to send u a message. But that may have been too personal, even if it is personal. So this. I'm reading this book called "the other side of the story" and although its lovely, its not holding my attention. Not the way you always did, especially with that funny formless number one and only dance step. (Its a cross between at least five others if u haven't seen it). But do I miss you, yes I do. Sometimes its easy, sometimes its not. And if I didn't chat with you sometimes, I'd pretend to myself that you were dead. Not that I want that to happen. Didn't even think it. Long live the King.

So I'm still here, forcing myself to sleep (no valium for me please). And I know when I finally do, ill be thinking the same thing. its only ever been you.


Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN


Xabi (in my mind this is my name) said...

I totally get this...

Jayla. said...

Its been only 3 months.... its allowed to miss someone u had lovely times with.

blogoratti said...

Makes sense..

Chychy said...

oh my i can so relate with this...nice 1 Chica!


nice one. Hoping all is well, nonetheless