Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I do not choose to BE happy. Today I choose happiness

Once upon a time I sought happiness like it was a prize to be won. I ran after it. Half crazed like, like Will Smith from the movie, searching for someone to buy his damned machines. Trying and failing. I took care to question every situation, and it was always the same one. Am I happy here? Failing to understand that although I had grasped the general context that my happiness was my responsibility, I wasn't to run after it like it was going anywhere. You see, with every "today I choose to be happy" I chanted to myself, a mantra which I picked up from if I remember correctly, the diary of Anne Frank, the happiness I so craved slipped farther and farther away from me. As if sensing my desperation and deigning to show me the appropriate amount of pepper I probably deserved for simply refusing to let things be, happiness refused to show its mischievous face. Oh sure enough I knew it was present, but I just couldn't see it. Unclear glimpses here and there, a faint echo of its voice in the wind, you know, that sort of thing.

And one day I stopped looking. Even then I did not know that I was doing what I was meant to do. I stopped looking and happiness found me. It muscled its way into my mouth to change my voice tones, into my eyes to brighten up my smile and into my heart, for hope and all things good. It showed me that it wasn't in the gra gra i was doing all along, but in my simple surrender. In my acceptance that "fate can only be altered by the will of heaven" and hence all my worrying and struggling were most likely for naught.

If you come here regularly, you may wonder at my fixation with happiness. Or maybe if like me you have gone through pain and depression and heartache you may understand why I cannot stop talking about this incredible gift. So if right now, you're in the place where I was months ago, I just want to say to you that it will pass, but only if you let it be. Trust me.

These days, I tell anyone who cares to listen that I am blissfully happy. No I aint got a man (if that's what you're thinking) and neither is it an invitation to bid :-|. I say that happiness hunted me down till it caught me and secured itself securely around me and my heart. J

np: Dare you to move ~ Switchfoot.

Special shoutout to my girl @shadelicious and a simple prayer that God will make perfect anything that concerns you. And the journey you're about to embark on will always give you joy.

Peace and Love,

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN


Shadelicious said...

awwww gurl, you finally updated whooop whooop!!! I'm glad you are happy - you deserve all the happiness in the world and a big hug and thank you.
God bless xoxo

Blessing said...

I'm so happy for you! May the happiness you feel be permanent!!! Yay!!!!

Anonymous said...

LoL @ No I aint got a man (if that's what you're thinking) and neither is it an invitation to bid :-|

Myne Whitman said...

Happy New year Audeo and I hope your happiness continues! Hugs...

Kwasimodoh said...

Ayav meesed reading your blog!
Happiness is the name of my friend, she's from calabar. Didn't know you were a lesbo ;)

seye said...

You've been tagged. Go to my blog for details. :P