Sometimes it lasts in love... but sometimes it hurts instead.
Yesterday was an ex's birthday. I was sweeping my room and when i took a break to check my bbm contacts' updtes, i saw "happy birthday king B" and for a second, i could not remember who that was neither could i associate March 26 to anyone who I may have known in my entire life. Until like all things which eventually come to light, i sat back faily startled. Of course it was his birthday. I went back to sweeping and the phrase "things we lost in the fire of life" came to me. You see, two years ago i would have made a production out of that date...now i couldnt even remember it. This touched me a great deal, especially as i sat down and began to wonder how many of such dates had been forgotten, at one time so precious. How many memories have been banished to the utterly deep, dark cesspool that is my mind? Consciously in an attempt to move on or like imprints in sand, gently erased by the passage of time. As with bricks and blocks, softening with age, until at last, withering away completely.
Shortly after that, K pinged me and told me about Adele's "Someone like you". Apparently she'd listened to it and had been wailing all morning. I rolled my eyes and thought, "drama queen". Still I downloaded the song. Afterall I've loved Adele since i first heard "Chasing Pavements". I didnt listen to this song till much later though. I spent the day at the spa and stopped by The Orchid Bistro to have a solitary dinner. Just as I was finishing my meal, it started to rain and I ran to my car. That was when I listened to the song. I can tell you one thing. I was unprepared for it.
I wont tell you about the haunting beauty of this song, or that its the only song I've listened to since about 9.15pm last night. I wont tell about how i reclined my car seat and listened to this song till the rain stopped. I wont tell you of the purity in this song. Or the emotions it evoked in me. I will not also tell you of the tears that poured from my eyes. That dear friend, is for you to experience first hand.
Instead I shall tell you a little story. A story that you may have heard me say in part before. But a story nonetheless. I'm not here to relieve the pain of the past. Lord knows that I have moved on. But listening to this song, the lyrics reminded me of something that happened in december. Something i told no one.
It was one of those cold London winter evenings. December 28th to be exact. I'd been in London for three days, toying with the idea of going to see my ex. I never mentioned here how much in love with him I was. But you may have guessed. I'd never been with anyone like him. That was my last bus stop i thought. And in some ways, it was. Everything in my life up until when i met him was "before B' and "after B". Anyways I walked to the train station, dressed in my best winter coat. To impress. I bought the ticket to chafford out of the little money i went to london with. I got off at the train station and found my way to the house. Heart in hand. My palms were freezing, even though they were encased in warm woolen gloves. It was about 9pm and the streets were understandably dark. I made my way to the door. The house that I'd imagined that I'd one day live in. And i stood at the door. For a minute, paralysed. What what, I didnt know. But what would I have said to him, had I knocked and had he opened the door. Would I have said 'i'm sorry, lets make it work"? I stood there for another minute until without a word, I turned around and headed abck to the station.
If you know the lyrics to Adele's "someone like you", you would understand why listening to this song, almost three months later, it would touch me so.
I left the doorway of the house on Grays without looking back. Not crying for I had used up all the tears before that. But determined to move on.
How many things have we committed to the fire of life. How many memories did we burn along the way? Forging ahead in life, because surely, such things are essential to our survival. I'm not entirely certain why i am asking you these questions, but maybe, just maybe you'd understand.
"Dont forget me I beg, I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"