Thursday, January 19, 2017

Here I Am. Hoping.

It has been such a long time. Such a long long time. I don't mean since I wrote as that much is clear. It has been a long time since I let love happen to me; since I let hope lead... It's maybe not so unrelated that I haven't written in the time in-between. At some point it became impossible to pour out my feelings when I was bound so tightly inside, protecting myself from hurt and pain and fear became the reason. My reason.

Today I was having a discussion with my darling S about Being Mary Jane and it led to our own love lives and the choices we have made over the last couple of years. Late last year, I finally came to the realisation that I was hurting myself but I could not feel it. How could I when I was first insulated from the hurt. The reason why any of my relationships didn't work out was that they were not supposed to. I never intended for them to because whether intentionally or subliminally, I consistently chose men who were emotionally unavailable or otherwise engaged. And when it did end, I would be fine; I would move on unbothered save a few days of emotional discomfort but no real lasting hurt. Not like that time all those years ago when my heart broke so bad and the world ended. I would tell myself that I was giving 100% to the relationship and yes I was, but the joke is I was giving 100% to the day only and the next day when the other wasn't there anymore it would not break me, I would be fine.

Of course these kinds of moments of self-realisation while life changing are never pretty. Like S said there's the unlearning and the relearning. You fight the truth but once revealed it reminds you over and over again that this is you. So I talked to God about it and I decided that I will let life in. No more hiding, no more being afraid. I will shed the protective shell around my heart because I do not want protection anymore. I will have hope. I will be open and honest and sending this out into the universe, love will feel me and it will find me where I stand. And it will be the giddy in my heart, laughter in my eyes, low long fire burning in my stomach joy kind of love.

So. Here I Am. Hoping.

With Love,

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