Skip to main content

Pondering

The words are coming faster now. I am letting myself feel, even though little at a time as if there is a way to temper these things. How can you measure hope? A little at a time for today and then a little more tomorrow? If that were possible then maybe that is what I am doing. But i definitely feel more. Its amazing this thing. I am filled with wonder at the possibility that I could once again wholly and completely offer my heart to another person. Not with words as I have done so many times but in truth. How do I know that this time its true? Hope. That's how. I am not intentionally discounting every word that I hear. I am fighting the thought of my usual buffers. Its funny how I hadn't realised the patterns I held fast to until now. I am unlearning and relearning. I am asking myself questions... my surefire logic thought process :)

And of course the questioning brings me to this point. If love is the source of this openness which allows me to write, does it then follow that I cannot write anything apart from this? Could I not have written fiction (I did write a short story a few years ago that I might post here soon) or is this a pre-requisite for being open. Or perhaps is it the authenticity of any emotion that fuels the creative? I must admit by closing myself off I cannot say that I felt any emotions in their purest forms. When I was hurt and angry it felt like the cause of my anger was happening to someone other than me. I learnt to step out of myself. Self preservation I suppose.

But this is different. I am present. No longer content to be on the outside looking in.Or maybe its not a matter of contentment. Maybe this time this thing forces from me total commitment in the place of mere participation. Classic case of bacon and the pig VS the egg and the chicken. But I am here. Waiting, Hoping, Open.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

~Boycott Love..........~

~I'm coming apart at the seams, pitching myself for leads in other people's dreams, now buzz, buzz, buzz, doc there's a hole where something was, doc there's a hole where something was...~ Those are the opening lines of 'Disloyal order of Water Buffaloes', an amazing song by Fall Out Boy. By now you must know that I love FOB. that being said, those lines are so hauntingly beautiful and have for the past few weeks been the summation of my state of mind, amongst other things... However, seeing as this is my blog of light and happiness, i wont talk about those feelings here. Instead, i'll quote a line from the song and tell you what I think. This sorta feels like Harry Essang's lit class. Anyways.... "I promise you anything for another shot at life,imperfect boys with their perfect lives, nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy" I understand the feeling of desperation, when you' give anything to have just one thing back. even for a
1 comment
Read more

Letter to My Future

First things first, lets cut out the bs of "let's see what the future brings". How about I tell you exactly what I want. Agreed? I'd prolly preamble first. But i know you'll understand. When I was in uni, there's was this guy who called a certain girl his future. I found it incredibly silly at the time. Especially in that context. I don't anymore. Amidst all the upheaval that is my life at the moment, I have seen that supposedly calm eye of a storm. That silent part of a tornado where there is wonder at the havoc nature can cause. I have seen that split second before a head on collision, the certainty, the wonder. I have seen that second, just before bullet bites into skin. The second before an orgasm. Those times when everything apart from that moment is completely irrelevant. When all you see is colour and .......life. *insert quiet smile here*. I digress? Pull me back please...or maybe not. Dear Abimbola, Sometime soon, perhaps in every second af
15 comments
Read more

Things we lost in the fire of life : someone like you

Sometimes it lasts in love... but sometimes it hurts instead. Yesterday was an ex's birthday. I was sweeping my room and when i took a break to check my bbm contacts' updtes, i saw "happy birthday king B" and for a second, i could not remember who that was neither could i associate March 26 to anyone who I may have known in my entire life. Until like all things which eventually come to light, i sat back faily startled. Of course it was his birthday. I went back to sweeping and the phrase "things we lost in the fire of life" came to me. You see, two years ago i would have made a production out of that date...now i couldnt even remember it. This touched me a great deal, especially as i sat down and began to wonder how many of such dates had been forgotten, at one time so precious. How many memories have been banished to the utterly deep, dark cesspool that is my mind? Consciously in an attempt to move on or like imprints in sand, gently erased by the passage
8 comments
Read more