meaningful ramblings

This is the last post that I will write on meaningful ramblings. This is because I know that this part of my life is over. The last 10 years on this journey have been absolutely wonderful and even the times when I didn't/couldn't write I felt like this place was a constant friend, waiting for a time when I felt ready to come back. Meaningful Ramblings absorbed so much of my pain and heartbreak, so much of my identity crises as I grew up. It was a way I entertained myself and others, where I wrote my hopes and dreams and fears and the words always came the fastest here. I write this with my heart and mind awash with memories, shedding tears for a time that is undoubtedly over.  I cannot fully explain my reason for this except that I am no longer the same person. Something in me shifted as I realise that the girl finally became woman. Even though yes, I know that we are a sum of all our experiences, I feel like I cannot fully explore the wonders of this womanhood on this bl...

Sometimes she forgets that she is the sun, the moon and the stars Sometimes she forgets that she is the roaring ocean and all its waves Sometimes she forgets that she is the tornado in all its terrible glory Sometimes she forgets that she is the volcano, fire, waiting Sometimes she forgets that she is the cause Sometimes she forgets her power And then she remembers.

The words are coming faster now. I am letting myself feel, even though little at a time as if there is a way to temper these things. How can you measure hope? A little at a time for today and then a little more tomorrow? If that were possible then maybe that is what I am doing. But i definitely feel more. Its amazing this thing. I am filled with wonder at the possibility that I could once again wholly and completely offer my heart to another person. Not with words as I have done so many times but in truth. How do I know that this time its true? Hope. That's how. I am not intentionally discounting every word that I hear. I am fighting the thought of my usual buffers. Its funny how I hadn't realised the patterns I held fast to until now. I am unlearning and relearning. I am asking myself questions... my surefire logic thought process :) And of course the questioning brings me to this point. If love is the source of this openness which allows me to write, does it then follow th...

After I have saved you And gathered all the pieces of your heart That's when it starts Then you gain your confidence And leave your innocence and vulnerability With me - Wolfcry by Gregory Porter Can I leave my vulnerability with you? The words from that Gregory Porter song come to mind as I spend the evening pondering at the state of affairs of my heart. I sent a message to Mr A asking if i lost my vulnerability. I also said that I think I did after he broke my heart but I deleted that part before he saw it and I realised it came from the same place. The inability/refusal to be vulnerable. G was incommunicado for 24hrs and I was part crazy part longing but every part of me screamed against the thought that I did care. Why should I? Why shouldn’t I just walk away? Simisola says I must embrace this vulnerability. It’s hard and horrible and means that I must feel. I must feel all of it. I must shed the protection around my heart. But what if it hurts? It feels familiar yet st...

Love, I believe, the unrestrained love that sets you on fire has the ability to save one's soul. Too long has my heart been cold, too long have I gone without the lighting of my spirit, the yearning and the hoping in the pursuit of forever. It has been so long since I let the warmth of a lover's embrace reach past skin and flesh. It has been so long since I allowed hope in the form of another, ages since I heard my heart sing without deliberately shutting it up. With the passage of time I have become more adept at muffling her cries, at walling her up and hiding her lest she strays into the arms of some other who might take her break her. I kept her safe in the tower only allowing occasional glimpses of the sun until the cold got to her and eventually she froze. I just looked through my blogger and I realise that the last time I wrote was at the start of last year, and I wrote about love. And it occurs to me that perhaps the start of the year finds me opening up, wanting the...