meaningful ramblings

This is the last post that I will write on meaningful ramblings. This is because I know that this part of my life is over. The last 10 years on this journey have been absolutely wonderful and even the times when I didn't/couldn't write I felt like this place was a constant friend, waiting for a time when I felt ready to come back. Meaningful Ramblings absorbed so much of my pain and heartbreak, so much of my identity crises as I grew up. It was a way I entertained myself and others, where I wrote my hopes and dreams and fears and the words always came the fastest here. I write this with my heart and mind awash with memories, shedding tears for a time that is undoubtedly over.  I cannot fully explain my reason for this except that I am no longer the same person. Something in me shifted as I realise that the girl finally became woman. Even though yes, I know that we are a sum of all our experiences, I feel like I cannot fully explore the wonders of this womanhood on this bl...

Sometimes she forgets that she is the sun, the moon and the stars Sometimes she forgets that she is the roaring ocean and all its waves Sometimes she forgets that she is the tornado in all its terrible glory Sometimes she forgets that she is the volcano, fire, waiting Sometimes she forgets that she is the cause Sometimes she forgets her power And then she remembers.

The words are coming faster now. I am letting myself feel, even though little at a time as if there is a way to temper these things. How can you measure hope? A little at a time for today and then a little more tomorrow? If that were possible then maybe that is what I am doing. But i definitely feel more. Its amazing this thing. I am filled with wonder at the possibility that I could once again wholly and completely offer my heart to another person. Not with words as I have done so many times but in truth. How do I know that this time its true? Hope. That's how. I am not intentionally discounting every word that I hear. I am fighting the thought of my usual buffers. Its funny how I hadn't realised the patterns I held fast to until now. I am unlearning and relearning. I am asking myself questions... my surefire logic thought process :) And of course the questioning brings me to this point. If love is the source of this openness which allows me to write, does it then follow th...

After I have saved you And gathered all the pieces of your heart That's when it starts Then you gain your confidence And leave your innocence and vulnerability With me - Wolfcry by Gregory Porter Can I leave my vulnerability with you? The words from that Gregory Porter song come to mind as I spend the evening pondering at the state of affairs of my heart. I sent a message to Mr A asking if i lost my vulnerability. I also said that I think I did after he broke my heart but I deleted that part before he saw it and I realised it came from the same place. The inability/refusal to be vulnerable. G was incommunicado for 24hrs and I was part crazy part longing but every part of me screamed against the thought that I did care. Why should I? Why shouldn’t I just walk away? Simisola says I must embrace this vulnerability. It’s hard and horrible and means that I must feel. I must feel all of it. I must shed the protection around my heart. But what if it hurts? It feels familiar yet st...

Love, I believe, the unrestrained love that sets you on fire has the ability to save one's soul. Too long has my heart been cold, too long have I gone without the lighting of my spirit, the yearning and the hoping in the pursuit of forever. It has been so long since I let the warmth of a lover's embrace reach past skin and flesh. It has been so long since I allowed hope in the form of another, ages since I heard my heart sing without deliberately shutting it up. With the passage of time I have become more adept at muffling her cries, at walling her up and hiding her lest she strays into the arms of some other who might take her break her. I kept her safe in the tower only allowing occasional glimpses of the sun until the cold got to her and eventually she froze. I just looked through my blogger and I realise that the last time I wrote was at the start of last year, and I wrote about love. And it occurs to me that perhaps the start of the year finds me opening up, wanting the...

I think all humans are born to with a predisposition to trust and to take chances. We are given first the explorer's mind; nature egging us on to explore, to feel, to experience and to conquer. To participate in something that is outside of us, sharing in the wonder. Until we start to learn, experiences shaping our individual realities in more ways than one. We start to make conclusions about life, ours in particular and the world in general and in relation to us from the results of our learning. The child who learns to walk sees that two legs up and nature forces him to get up, one step above the animal, conquering the self that is defined on two hands and knees. The child sees evidence in walking and is fuelled towards that achievement regardless of how many times he falls back on his bottom. He knows that at some point, he will retain his balance and he will stand. It seems like as life goes on however we lose that predisposition as a result of learning and experience. Our ...

It has been such a long time. Such a long long time. I don't mean since I wrote as that much is clear. It has been a long time since I let love happen to me; since I let hope lead... It's maybe not so unrelated that I haven't written in the time in-between. At some point it became impossible to pour out my feelings when I was bound so tightly inside, protecting myself from hurt and pain and fear became the reason. My reason. Today I was having a discussion with my darling S about Being Mary Jane and it led to our own love lives and the choices we have made over the last couple of years. Late last year, I finally came to the realisation that I was hurting myself but I could not feel it. How could I when I was first insulated from the hurt. The reason why any of my relationships didn't work out was that they were not supposed to. I never intended for them to because whether intentionally or subliminally, I consistently chose men who were emotionally unavailable or othe...

It's been over a year since I wrote anything. The struggle to capture my thoughts, a war...I refuse to be writ they said. And even when sometimes I won, I looked at them, a writhing mass of part confusion, part happiness. Some pain and heartbreak and disappointment. Some parts remembering mistakes made and some part still hopeful. And I can't. I just cannot. In recent time I have found discipline with regards to these. A projection of some sort. Not exactly protection. I feel it but not really. It's not really happening to me. And if I deny that they are mine how can I write them?  Sometimes I cry but I don't know why I'm crying. No particular pain, no hurt I can think of. But my sub-conscious feels what I do not. Like now. I am still not saying anything. but i am saying everything.   I am counting the days of this limbo. We are almost at 3 years. 

16th January: watching London's skyline disappear into the distance. And I can feel my heart ache. Partly I'm sure because I am listening to the most beautiful symphony I have ever hear on the in-flight stereo. Beethoven? Strauss? Can't quite place the composer. I was broken and now I am mended. I was adrift but now I found an anchor. But at what cost? The truth is I've realised that I feel nothing. Neither for the one I always feel I'm leaving behind nor for the one I'm returning to. Is it that I have trained myself not to feel and have finally become the person I was pretending to be for so long? Again, at what cost? 26th January: ok let me rephrase. I feel. But I have learnt to isolate those feelings. Like someone hiding from something happening right in front of them. Last night I realised that I have become selfish with my happiness. Very protective of my sanity. In ways I never was. I have learnt to replace people as soon as they leave. Or as soon as I lea...

I am sitting at the table in the darkness, listening to the darkness and the silence keeps screaming at me. Save for the ticking of the clock as it finds its way into 2012 there's little else but the sounds of fireworks filtering into the penthouse apartment. And I am at peace. It is so silly how I cry at the littlest things these days...perhaps a product of the wonder in my heart. Appreciating every little spurt of happiness because I fought for it. I fought to be here. Again, I am in London. This time not to search for clarity as I needed last year. But to bury an aunt who succumbed to cancer in December. I decided not to go for the cross-over service tonight because I wanted time to reflect upon the past year, and to allow my heart seek out the Lord. Its never been easy for me to connect to God in the midst of a multitude of people. And I just need to put my head in His laps and say thank You. 2011 was a good year. For the most of it I ambled along, lost and in pain. My hear...

If I asked you to describe yourself, what words would you use? Would you describe yourself in a one line sentence, stating the obvious? Would you be funny, smart, beautiful, tall and 25? Or would you be melancholic, choleric, sanguine and a libra. Would you be sexy and have oloju come and do? Would you be dedicated and courageous and driven and afraid? Lol...I just described myself as I would have, a long time ago. However in recent times, I have realized that I cannot describe myself in those words. Because doing that takes all the wonder out of it. If I said I was funny would you not wonder how I got to be funny? Or if I said I am by nature a lonely person, if you have met me you would immediately argue with that. But that would be because you do not know me. You do not know the experiences that have shaped me, my life. The little and big things that have combined themselves into forming me, as you see me. Which is why when I started reading Bobo Omotayo's "London Life L...

How would you define happiness? By whose definitions should we abide? Would you adjudge me to be less happy or not at all if my definition doesnt resemble yours? Last weekend I went to Makoko (or as my friend J likes to tease me for my pronunciation, "Ma-koko")with photographer friends, Teju Cole and Leke Alabi-Isama on a photo-walk/photo-canoeing and at Makoko, my heart broke and I cried. It was not their poverty that made me cry. It was ours. Or maybe it was theirs...but what right do I have to those tears? Even while I felt pity for them, seeing through eyes coloured by my supposed enlightenment and betterment for want of a more appropriate word, I wondered how they saw me. What did they think of me? Did they want to be me? Did they want my Gucci sunglasses or my Gucci rubber shoes or my pretty purse? Those stupid things that I hold dear. Or did they pity me for my inability to just be free from it all. And just be happy and content, as they appeared to be. As we c...

Any day now I'll run to the rooftops and scream that I'm in love. I'm in love with your smile and I'm in love with your eyes. I'm in love with your voice and I'm in love with your laugh. I am in love with the beauty in your soul and the strength in your spirit. Any day now, my healing will be complete. That which started long ago in the sacred space of my heart. When you knew me, and saw my pain and spoke to me of love. Any day now, I'll shed my last sad tear and embrace you, and cure the longing in our hearts. Any day you'll take my hand and I'll take yours. Any day now, that which we both wait for will come, and I will write the words to frame our souls. And you will capture them in the way only you can. Your love makes it worthwhile. Any day now I'll tell you. I love you. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

"Why is it so easy to be disillusioned and so hard to be grateful" ~ Ancient Chinese Proverb I was listening to "Time After Time" today and it struck me about how much about trust that song is. And I thought, "hang on,hang on, how dare you?! Do you know how you'll feel two seconds from now not to mention 6 months or one year or thirty years from now." Too quick are we to say "Trust me. I won't hurt you...I'll take care of you." Well whoopsie daisy when 3months later you become "prone to wander" lol...that's how I knew my boyfriend in 2009 was planning to break up with me. And I understand. Naturally. Thing is you can't tell someone that you'd be there to catch them when they fall, that you'd be waiting. Its just wrong and maybe a little evil. Because, like every other thing we blame life for, it happens. And the day that person decides to fall, you my darling may have moved. Shikena! Neither questi...

Hey, it's my birthday ! Or will be In about 8mins. Planned to write a proper post before getting drunk with my mum. But that kinda happened first. Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you. *mama's looking for her glass and it's right in front of her* Faith, hope and love. Merry new year to me Sent from my iPad

Today two of my siblings went back to uni and i miss them horribly. But that's not the point of this post. My dad woke up quite early and went to the market to buy fixings or fried rice. He came back home, cooked and packed the food into coolers for both of them and took them to school. While he was cooking, i looked into the kitchen from where I was sitting at the dining table having breakfast and my eyes watered a bit. Because wielding a spatula in one hand and a knife in the other was my 57 year old dad, my first love and the man Ive come to realize that I've fashioned my dream man after. Recently I had to tell someone what I was looking for in a man. Halfway through I paused cos I realized that I was describing my father. I cannot begin to describe the man I call daddy. Or why I call him daddy. Not dad. Daddy. So I guess what I'm wondering is do they still make men like him? Because to be honest, that's what I want. My father isn't a perfect man. Don't...

Jumping out of a plane is not easy. There's the chance that you'll break every bone  in your body when you hit the ground, assuming of course that a passing mythical winged creature  doesn't eat you right after you jump out. But there's also a chance that a series of soft puffy clouds will cushion your fall all the way to the ground, or that you'll sprout humongous wings and fly into the sunset. You get me? Recently I handed in my resignation at KPMG. Why? The time I allotted to the great firm had elapsed. But apart from that, I knew without a doubt that I didn't wanna be an auditor for the rest of my life. So therefore, ....you know the rest. At the time I resigned I didn't know what I wanted per se. I'm sure I must have seemed a bit mad to some people. I also didn't have a new. Job lined up. So yeah, I got a few "are you out of your fucking mind" looks. But I did have something, I had trust in God. I believed that God will not let me star...

Over the past few weeks, or months even, I have been reminded of how much God loves me. I have also been reminded of how unfaithful I am. Firstly, by default. After all I'm human, but then secondly in particular, as just me, Abimbola. My own personal brand of unfaithfulness. To myself, and to God. I realized that I have wronged myself in so many ways, so many injustices done by me, against me. I have cheated myself and in doing so, cheated God. Far be it from me to tell you the many ways I have sold myself short, accepting less for myself, believing that it was enough. But I have, and now I have decided to change. I don't know if any of you have read Lauren W's (can't remember the spelling) "Chasing Harry Winston". If you have or not, there's a part in the book where someone got engaged and told her friends that she thought the ring was too big. Then one of her friends replied that "if you think it's too big then you don't deserve it"...

Is love any less true when its not stormy? Or is it truer then. How will I know the next time? The next time I'm in love, seeing as I've resolved to do it the right way this time. Right side up. Is there a wrong way to fall in love? Yesterday a friend told me that he didn't think he'd ever been in love. We'd just finished watching Natalie Portman's "No strings attached" and there I was, cradled against him when I noticed the troubled look on his face. When I asked what was wrong he said he didn't think he'd ever been in love and that how would he know if he had. I tried to describe it but I found out that I couldn't. All the adjectives in the world couldn't quite capture it. So I turned to him and said "you will know". Which of course got me questioning myself. Will I know? If its easy and quiet and peaceful, will I still recognise it? If it doesn't make me alternate between periods of sadness and intense joy, will...

Something about good music that lifts you and lets you fly. I've been listening to Nicki Minaj's Superbass for a few days now and its totally put a smile on my face. Not just a smile. In the words of KidKonnect, a "huge ass grin". I was in the shower this morning when I realised that I was grinning and there was no particular reason for the huge smile that was stretched across my face. I am happy I guess content too. Not complacent though. Never that. Just in a really good place. And that's a really good thing, considering. I was having Biodun cravings the other day. So I went to the gym instead of phoning him. Let just say it was a very effective solution. Three days later my body hurts too much to sit properly, not to mention trying to cry. I read ThirdWorldProfashional and there was a thingy bob about taking a photo of all the contents of your bag. I was gonna do that today. But way too many "weird" stuff in my handbag. I hate the fact that my feet ar...