meaningful ramblings

If I asked you to describe yourself, what words would you use? Would you describe yourself in a one line sentence, stating the obvious? Would you be funny, smart, beautiful, tall and 25? Or would you be melancholic, choleric, sanguine and a libra. Would you be sexy and have oloju come and do? Would you be dedicated and courageous and driven and afraid? Lol...I just described myself as I would have, a long time ago. However in recent times, I have realized that I cannot describe myself in those words. Because doing that takes all the wonder out of it. If I said I was funny would you not wonder how I got to be funny? Or if I said I am by nature a lonely person, if you have met me you would immediately argue with that. But that would be because you do not know me. You do not know the experiences that have shaped me, my life. The little and big things that have combined themselves into forming me, as you see me. Which is why when I started reading Bobo Omotayo's "London Life L...

How would you define happiness? By whose definitions should we abide? Would you adjudge me to be less happy or not at all if my definition doesnt resemble yours? Last weekend I went to Makoko (or as my friend J likes to tease me for my pronunciation, "Ma-koko")with photographer friends, Teju Cole and Leke Alabi-Isama on a photo-walk/photo-canoeing and at Makoko, my heart broke and I cried. It was not their poverty that made me cry. It was ours. Or maybe it was theirs...but what right do I have to those tears? Even while I felt pity for them, seeing through eyes coloured by my supposed enlightenment and betterment for want of a more appropriate word, I wondered how they saw me. What did they think of me? Did they want to be me? Did they want my Gucci sunglasses or my Gucci rubber shoes or my pretty purse? Those stupid things that I hold dear. Or did they pity me for my inability to just be free from it all. And just be happy and content, as they appeared to be. As we c...

Any day now I'll run to the rooftops and scream that I'm in love. I'm in love with your smile and I'm in love with your eyes. I'm in love with your voice and I'm in love with your laugh. I am in love with the beauty in your soul and the strength in your spirit. Any day now, my healing will be complete. That which started long ago in the sacred space of my heart. When you knew me, and saw my pain and spoke to me of love. Any day now, I'll shed my last sad tear and embrace you, and cure the longing in our hearts. Any day you'll take my hand and I'll take yours. Any day now, that which we both wait for will come, and I will write the words to frame our souls. And you will capture them in the way only you can. Your love makes it worthwhile. Any day now I'll tell you. I love you. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

"Why is it so easy to be disillusioned and so hard to be grateful" ~ Ancient Chinese Proverb I was listening to "Time After Time" today and it struck me about how much about trust that song is. And I thought, "hang on,hang on, how dare you?! Do you know how you'll feel two seconds from now not to mention 6 months or one year or thirty years from now." Too quick are we to say "Trust me. I won't hurt you...I'll take care of you." Well whoopsie daisy when 3months later you become "prone to wander" lol...that's how I knew my boyfriend in 2009 was planning to break up with me. And I understand. Naturally. Thing is you can't tell someone that you'd be there to catch them when they fall, that you'd be waiting. Its just wrong and maybe a little evil. Because, like every other thing we blame life for, it happens. And the day that person decides to fall, you my darling may have moved. Shikena! Neither questi...

Hey, it's my birthday ! Or will be In about 8mins. Planned to write a proper post before getting drunk with my mum. But that kinda happened first. Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you. *mama's looking for her glass and it's right in front of her* Faith, hope and love. Merry new year to me Sent from my iPad

Today two of my siblings went back to uni and i miss them horribly. But that's not the point of this post. My dad woke up quite early and went to the market to buy fixings or fried rice. He came back home, cooked and packed the food into coolers for both of them and took them to school. While he was cooking, i looked into the kitchen from where I was sitting at the dining table having breakfast and my eyes watered a bit. Because wielding a spatula in one hand and a knife in the other was my 57 year old dad, my first love and the man Ive come to realize that I've fashioned my dream man after. Recently I had to tell someone what I was looking for in a man. Halfway through I paused cos I realized that I was describing my father. I cannot begin to describe the man I call daddy. Or why I call him daddy. Not dad. Daddy. So I guess what I'm wondering is do they still make men like him? Because to be honest, that's what I want. My father isn't a perfect man. Don't...

Jumping out of a plane is not easy. There's the chance that you'll break every bone  in your body when you hit the ground, assuming of course that a passing mythical winged creature  doesn't eat you right after you jump out. But there's also a chance that a series of soft puffy clouds will cushion your fall all the way to the ground, or that you'll sprout humongous wings and fly into the sunset. You get me? Recently I handed in my resignation at KPMG. Why? The time I allotted to the great firm had elapsed. But apart from that, I knew without a doubt that I didn't wanna be an auditor for the rest of my life. So therefore, ....you know the rest. At the time I resigned I didn't know what I wanted per se. I'm sure I must have seemed a bit mad to some people. I also didn't have a new. Job lined up. So yeah, I got a few "are you out of your fucking mind" looks. But I did have something, I had trust in God. I believed that God will not let me star...

Over the past few weeks, or months even, I have been reminded of how much God loves me. I have also been reminded of how unfaithful I am. Firstly, by default. After all I'm human, but then secondly in particular, as just me, Abimbola. My own personal brand of unfaithfulness. To myself, and to God. I realized that I have wronged myself in so many ways, so many injustices done by me, against me. I have cheated myself and in doing so, cheated God. Far be it from me to tell you the many ways I have sold myself short, accepting less for myself, believing that it was enough. But I have, and now I have decided to change. I don't know if any of you have read Lauren W's (can't remember the spelling) "Chasing Harry Winston". If you have or not, there's a part in the book where someone got engaged and told her friends that she thought the ring was too big. Then one of her friends replied that "if you think it's too big then you don't deserve it"...

Is love any less true when its not stormy? Or is it truer then. How will I know the next time? The next time I'm in love, seeing as I've resolved to do it the right way this time. Right side up. Is there a wrong way to fall in love? Yesterday a friend told me that he didn't think he'd ever been in love. We'd just finished watching Natalie Portman's "No strings attached" and there I was, cradled against him when I noticed the troubled look on his face. When I asked what was wrong he said he didn't think he'd ever been in love and that how would he know if he had. I tried to describe it but I found out that I couldn't. All the adjectives in the world couldn't quite capture it. So I turned to him and said "you will know". Which of course got me questioning myself. Will I know? If its easy and quiet and peaceful, will I still recognise it? If it doesn't make me alternate between periods of sadness and intense joy, will...

Something about good music that lifts you and lets you fly. I've been listening to Nicki Minaj's Superbass for a few days now and its totally put a smile on my face. Not just a smile. In the words of KidKonnect, a "huge ass grin". I was in the shower this morning when I realised that I was grinning and there was no particular reason for the huge smile that was stretched across my face. I am happy I guess content too. Not complacent though. Never that. Just in a really good place. And that's a really good thing, considering. I was having Biodun cravings the other day. So I went to the gym instead of phoning him. Let just say it was a very effective solution. Three days later my body hurts too much to sit properly, not to mention trying to cry. I read ThirdWorldProfashional and there was a thingy bob about taking a photo of all the contents of your bag. I was gonna do that today. But way too many "weird" stuff in my handbag. I hate the fact that my feet ar...

Here I stand, before God, Expectant. I chose to believe his promises made to me instead of the performance of those promises. Because. Afterall, he is not man that He should lie. Here I stand, before God, flawed in so many ways. Sinner, sometimes unrepentant. But I choose to humble myself before Him and admit that I have no power of my own. Here I stand, before God, in worship. My eyes have seen the King, the Lamb upon the throne. He reigns forever. Here I stand, before God, in silence. How can I hear what he has to say if I can't keep the turmoil in my heart and in my mind out of the way? Here I am, before God, believing that my sins are forgiven, that I have help, that my worship is acceptable and that I can hear what He's saying to me. "Come child, let us walk on water." Have a blessed week. Love, Abimbola Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Dancing in circles with friends in rain, missed lecture because of this. Rainy Saturday afternoon designing wedding gowns and fantasizing about my dream wedding and building castles in the air. 14 and free from secondary school. From here on to conquer the world. Rainy Friday afternoon hunched over my desk at overdosing on The Fray, trading OTH quotes and music with soon to be boyfriend who later became ex-boyfriend. I miss carefree. Or maybe I've never been carefree? Rainy Friday evening driving to Paddy's, tears streaming down my face. Seeking comfort. On B's bed, in B's arms. Both listening to rainfall outside the window and whispering. Now I wonder why we were whispering…perhaps subconsciously trying not to break what we knew was fragile. Too precious this memory. Tranquillity. On B's bed. B snoring beside me. Laptop open in front of me, writing one of my best posts till date. Stand up from bed to stare outside the window. Its so peaceful. I long to put my han...

~Have u ever tried to do an upward facing waka? That shit is hard I tell u. Plain impossible. I tried to waka a trailer driver today. The guy thought I was begging. No greater injustice has ever been delivered to a waka~ ~Something abt keke marwas that make me go arrrrrrrrghhhh....inside my head I'm wondering if I look like the bbm angry smiley when I do that. maybe a little less red~ ~So that contraption at adeniji is a billboard type thing. If I tell u what I thought it was you'd shake ur head~ ~I said lol...well I went l-o-l. Frankly ive been spending too much time trying to put an end to boring bbm convos~ ~Being pursued(I mean this literarily) by a hunk In traffic does wonders. for ones ego. That is of course until follows u into 45mins worth of traffic and when ure about to kill urself with anticipation he comes down from his car and u find that he's. At least 3inches shorter. In Flats!!! #truestory ~Almost-disgusting thought next~ ~If someone shoved cocaine up thei...

I've always believed that there's just one person for each of us. That one soulmate. Yin to your Yang. Only one person that will ever complete u so perfectly. One true love. And I've also always believed that everyone will meet that person at one point in their lives. And with that person, you only get one shot at it. But I've also always believed that sometimes it may work out and other times it won't. But that does not make it any less true. I've also always believed that before and after that one person there would be others. Mirages if you like. Mirrors but not exactly mirror images. And out of all of that we pick one. And it works out. But most times you never forget. Its been 8months since we split up. And yes I have moved on and I'm happy and restored, but I yearn for him. Not in my body as with a lover's touch, but in my soul. There's many things I'd like to share with him cos I know he'd understand. Many questions I'd like to ask...

What is your colour? I was thinking to myself this morning about how I didn't give a thought to the colour purple until Boluwatife Jacobs entered my life. And how her love for purple rubbed off on me, erstwhile pure lover of grey. You can say she coloured my world. Not so much with the colour itself but with her happy "I don't have a care in the world" attitude. And this made me wonder if perhaps I have added such colour to your life. If I have, what colour have I been? Have I been the colour black? Filled with nothingness, the greatest paradox if there ever was one? Or mayhaps I have been yellow. Always a laugh and a half. Have I been the colour blue? Solid dependable blue. Calm and self assured. Never wavering. An ever-fixed mark? Surely, I have been the colour violet? Deep and vibrant. A living, breathing embodiment of electricity. Sometimes touch and go but still self-replenishing. Drawing energy from all around me and making my own, expressing it all in my own wa...

I just reaLly hope that you think of me,cos I'm trying to be unforgettable For some reason I think I may have lost the ability to write my heart out. It doesn't seem like a case of writer's bLoc. Just a seemingly unshakable reluctance. Some part of me is willing while the rest of me is saying a big fat no. I come up with some one liners that are reminiscent of the posts I used to write circa 2010 but that's all ...disjointed one liners. You see the issue is that I write with my heart. So 95percent of the time I don't know beforehand what I'm going to write about. But what happens when my heart decides to take a vacation? It leaves me well and truly screwed. I have a a halfway house worth of posts. Words to capture emotions at certain points in time. Posts going nowhere, lifetimes that they may have lived. "Where are our lives before we have lived it?" Neefemi, read "Calais" by kathleen Winsor. I think I may have read it too early. At 14 it ta...

Hi all...I know its been a while. But I really haven't had anything to say. simply because I didn't seem to be able to adequately express myself or explain what was going on inside my head. Anyways that's another post entirely. This one is about the choices I've made or rather decided to make. I'm quitting my job yo! This month, with no new job lined up, I'm saying goodbye to KPMG. Someone here might call me crazy, irrational maybe. Or maybe just more than one someone. But before you judge me, hear me out. Have you ever felt like you were just sitting around waiting for your life to happen? And that whatever happens in between is acceptable until your life actually happens? But then as days, months and years pass the feeling fades into that nagging,mocking voice at the back of your mind as you cannot remember for reward nor ransom what it was you first loved. Over the years I've had this feeling. At first I thought it'd go away but it didn't. Until i...

Its 5.58am and i am the first of the bridesmaids to wake up. Although i am not the maid of honour, i am the one in charge. Its Saturday 14th and one of my best friends is getting married today. Do you remember my cousin who was supposed to get married last year then her dad uncle Frank died? Well its the same one. Yup!, she's finally here. And as the sounds of rainfall filter into my bedroom, where incidentally we are all piled up in, I smile to myself as I know without a doubt in my heart that this is the day the Lord has made. Not the date from last year, no. This one, 14 May 2011 As head of the bridesmaids (not the chief), she is my main responsibility for the day. Last night I moisturized my special caviar into her skin and sprayed peppermint essence on her feet while together with the 6 or so other girls here we recalled tales from our childhood. My mother comes into the room at about 12:30am and orders us all to bed. We all burst into laughter and as I see her watching me, ...

Sometimes it lasts in love... but sometimes it hurts instead. Yesterday was an ex's birthday. I was sweeping my room and when i took a break to check my bbm contacts' updtes, i saw "happy birthday king B" and for a second, i could not remember who that was neither could i associate March 26 to anyone who I may have known in my entire life. Until like all things which eventually come to light, i sat back faily startled. Of course it was his birthday. I went back to sweeping and the phrase "things we lost in the fire of life" came to me. You see, two years ago i would have made a production out of that date...now i couldnt even remember it. This touched me a great deal, especially as i sat down and began to wonder how many of such dates had been forgotten, at one time so precious. How many memories have been banished to the utterly deep, dark cesspool that is my mind? Consciously in an attempt to move on or like imprints in sand, gently erased by the passage...

Did you ever read "when you are old" by W.B. Yeats? That was my favorite poem for a very long time. Lasting love and all. :) . Anyways, now I am old(er) and I am loving me. I saw something on twitter the other day. Don't remember the exact words but it was something about how one cannot be truly happy if one is single. Now I am assuming that single here means emotionally unattached, I.e. Not following anyone, not being followed, not obsessing over anyone e.t.c. You know, the general state of being single. And I thought to myself! 'Ang on 'ang on!(In typical Patrick fashion). What on earth is this human saying??? Have I been lying to myself all this time? *shaking my head in bewilderment* I really don't know. The thing is I am incredibly happy. For a long time I waited to find myself, and I have. And I know that it is not totally unrelated to the fact that I am indeed single. Loving it? Meh...but that doesn't make me unhappy. Ya dig? See...I relish t...

The last few weeks have been horrid, not to say in the least. But still, I am here. I am an Ekiti woman. I am strong. I exude grace under pressure. I am like a blade of grass found by the riverside, supple, flexible. I am an ekiti woman. Stubborn, yet sensual. You can tell from the set of my chin and the glare in my eyes. I am to be taken seriously. You can tell from the arc of my brow, I have laughter bubbling just underneath. I am an ekiti woman. Sexy and smart. You can tell from the sway of my hips and the way I tilt my head to the side when i am thinking. To all ekiti women out there, big ups. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Hey people, I decided to write you a little letter, just in case you have missed me. Because I miss you too. I am buried in work. My superiors on the engagement I'm on (bank audit) resigned so I'm the new team lead. Now I have worked on a bank audit before but I've not led one. And I have two ways to look at this...1. As a set up (this is the one that comes to mind a lot) and 2. As an opportunity. (this is the one that I have chosen) ...so understandably its either I sink or swim. Pls send some "floaters" my way (in form of prayers) cos sometimes I may need it. I have bags under my eyes ehn! And I miss my mama (been living in a hotel) and I'm putting on weight (no time to go to the gym and 18hr work days). How's everyone doing. T. Notes don't be upset with me please. Nife how far, Blessing, hope ure well. And thanks for the comments on all my posts. A lot of them make me shy. *blush* and ill try to comment more. Although I'm not sure h...

Last night, i got in from work at about 1.30am. When I got in the sterility of my hotel room assailed me and I began to feel pangs of loneliness. I went into the bathroom, turned to shower on and waited the prerequisite 15 seconds for the hot water to come through. Last night though, while I was waiting I decided to turn the TV on. Normally, i'd turn on some music and go into the shower but I'm glad I didn't. As I settled on my bed, I saw Whitney Houston's face come up on the television. Turns out that I had caught the last 15 or so minutes of Waiting To Exhale. I don't remember another movie that I have loved more. I couldn't help but grin to myself as I ran to the bathroom to turn the tap off so that once again I could experience the reason why I love the movie so much....the joy in true friendship. I'd be the first to tell you that human by nature are fickle and selfish beings. Me, Me, Me FIRST!!! Me, Me, Me always right. But have you ever looked at some...

Once upon a time I sought happiness like it was a prize to be won. I ran after it. Half crazed like, like Will Smith from the movie, searching for someone to buy his damned machines. Trying and failing. I took care to question every situation, and it was always the same one. Am I happy here? Failing to understand that although I had grasped the general context that my happiness was my responsibility, I wasn't to run after it like it was going anywhere. You see, with every "today I choose to be happy" I chanted to myself, a mantra which I picked up from if I remember correctly, the diary of Anne Frank, the happiness I so craved slipped farther and farther away from me. As if sensing my desperation and deigning to show me the appropriate amount of pepper I probably deserved for simply refusing to let things be, happiness refused to show its mischievous face. Oh sure enough I knew it was present, but I just couldn't see it. Unclear glimpses here and there, a faint echo o...

I'm perhaps 30,000feet above ground level as I write this post. No I am not high, although I kinda wish I am because in as much as I love flying, delayed flights blow majorly. The monitor above me told me so. See I am on my way to London. Although I wont send this post until I actually get there, I feel really cool sitting in my first class with my laptop open, typing this post . nothing to be excited about. I was upgraded and its Royal Air Maroc. See wetin shant gree do me but there's no way in hell (which for now is Lagos, considering the heat and the traffic) that I was gonna pay 278k for a virgin atlantic economy ticket. So when my travel agent suggested the airline, i nearly kissed him...in my mind I did sha and this way I can say that I have been to Casablanca (talk to the hand smiley for anyone that says otherwise. Thats my story and I am sticking to it). Anyways back to 30,000 feet. A second ago, I looked out of the window and onto the desert below and I am still here m...

I came to London looking for answers. Answers to still the turbulence in my mind and to be a balm for y aching heart. I came, searching for meaning, for purpose. I came for clarity...in the hopes that the frigid winter air may drive the cobwebs away. Did I come looking for love? Definitely. I came hoping to fall in love with life and nature and beauty. That was the pot I wanted at the end of my rainbow. So I emptied my bank account, paid a ridiculous amount of money for a winter ticket and got on a plane to London. If you've been following this blog then you must know that I was in a really bad place during the last quarter of 2010. And in the midst of all that, i lost hope and my faith in love. I lost my way. But tonight I found it. That which I travelled so far for. Clarity. It was right there in the arms of the Father who never once let go. The healing I craved. And as tears fell from my eyes, I felt my heart fall into place. Not the old tattered and torn one, a new one. And...