meaningful ramblings

Its been a long year. I remember writing a similar post last year, celebrating the end of 2009 and knowing that those times would never come again. How quickly time flies. Its past 2am and I'm in bed, the lights are off and I've just turned the TV off. But I can still feel a faint wetness on my cheek from tears i cried a few minutes ago. Do you watch One Tree Hill? I hope you do. Anyways its season 8 and I just finished the episode where Quinn tells Clay while he is the hospital that she can't live without him. She says that the world is too big and too dark without him. I know its only TV and someone wean this crazy child off OTH but I do understand what she meant because not so long ago I said those same words. I'll be the first person to tell you that everyone can be happy on their own. Most definitely yes. But I will also be the first person to admit to you that once you have been in love, once you have had the privilege of having that love returned, life after ...

Sometimes we give up. Sometimes it hurts too much to keep on trying....especially when so much has happened. Seemingly insurmountable odds... and with a resignation in your heart, you raise that white flag. With palms bruised from holding on, eyes tired from keeping watch, you silently give up. With hopes spent and a heart hurting from longing, you inwardly acknowledge that perhaps this is too much. And even as you wordlessly accept defeat, walking away from the scene, leaving everything behind, you cant stop yourself from crawling right back and taking some of it with you. A reminder, no matter how flawed, of things best left behind, but not forgotten. Never forgotten. Always, Abimbola

There was a day when I laughed till I felt my innards were gonna fall out. That was a good day. There was also a day when I cried like my innards were gonna fall out. That was also a good day. You might ask why it was...well I'lll tell you. Those were the days when I felt more alive than ever. The ability to feel something so acutely that it draws such pure and primitive emotion from within. These days I rarely have that. Not because I don't want to, or that there aren't things to laugh or cry about. But there's none that has made my knees weak, that has caused my heart to flutter and my eyes to squeeze themselves shut. Oh scratch that. There was such a day recently. That day I had to make a decision. The weight of it nearly brought me to my knees. The pain stopped my heart and blocked my ears. I typed the words witthout really seeing them. But I felt alive. I am not here to celebrate pain. Only to find out if you know when you're alive. Have you in any momen...

I tried to write a litttle introduction to this. To tell you how long a year its been. How i've struggled with my own personal issues, as well as the issues that life has gifted me with. But i wont write that because it is mostly irrelevant, Becasue now i choose to look past it all and instead see God's hand. And of that, I am thankful. I read neefemi's post today (Happy belated birthday sugar. I'll call you soon) and I was inspired to do this (especially as my last few posts have been all gloom and doom) ... Lessons: This year has taught me a lot. It has taught me that people come and go and you can either sit down and wail about it or you can accept that frienships dont always last and that some people are only meant to be there for a while and that you can cherish it and hold the memories close. Recently I asked someone if she missed me at all...her reply was "hi". At first that hurt, then it didnt. Becasue i understood. I have also learned that althou...

Happiness, that sometimes elusive mark. shifting and shapeshifting. Until it seems that one has spent an entire lifetime trying to find and keep happiness. A friend asked me recently how I was feeling. I had only one word for him....I said that there's is a disquiet within. Funny thing is that I have never used that word before. Of that I can assure you. So where it came from I do not know, exactly. But it was apt for me. I am searching. For myself. For happiness to replace this disquiet. For life and laughter to shine through. I would tell me to stop searching and just be happy but I am of a certainty that I have not quite learned how to just be. I am constantly asking myself questions. What do I really wanna do with my life? Is this going the way it should go? Am i really happy or am I stitching together patches of good moments and trying to make them into the fabric that I will one day call my life? I used to be this focused, driven person. With a sense of purpose. But I've ...

It took me almost two days to get from London heathrow to Lagos MM. And no I wasnt jogging. It was all thanks to Virgin Atlantic airways and its recent romance with tardiness. That and the fact that the flight was riddled with several unfortunate events such as people with numerous pieces of overweight hand luggage even though the airline's allowance for each passenger is one piece weighing not more than 6kg!, people being escorted off the plane, old women with heart problems and sever allergic reactions e.t.c.Total on-board time? 12hours. While this should deter me from flying virgin atlantic ever again, it hasnt because inasmuch as it sucks ass, Virgin Atlantic flies directly to London and they are very apologetic and very rewarding. Free miles and such. Now about this idiot Nigerian mentality. When it seemed like we would not be able to fly on the first night, this Nigerian man stood up and started yelling "Nigerian, lets talk to ourselves. our greed will not put us in tr...

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. Me and my boyfriend split up. One would think that after one month and in a totally different country that it would be easier to say. It is not. I do not harbour anger or hate or noting. Just sadness. That is all... Breakups are hard enough on their own, without it being a mutual decision due to circumstances beyond the both of you. It is not easier and i do not see the bright side. But...

I can't write. Because I'm afraid ill let out too much. And that if I do, there'll be nothing else to hold me together. I can't talk. Because it changes nothing. Talking changes nothing. P.s. My birthday is in 2days. And I wish I could sleep through it. Just another reminder of things I can't have. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

"I'm thinking the deepest definition of youth must be...life as yet untouched by tragedy...the loss of a great love" ... Someone sent that to me yesterday and asked for my thoughts. I replied with "Eyes that have not seen pain and a heart that has not borne anguish. Lips that have yet to kiss a lover goodbye and arms that have yet to replace a loved one with a pillow. Mouth untouched by deep sighs of longing and a memory that does not hold dreams that were made to die." I fear that my youth went away and left me behind... so here i stand, like Dorothy, clicking my heels for my return to a home that never was. What are your thoughts on youth? Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Losing the ability to write is one of the things i fear the most. When my mind is too clogged that i cant get the feelings out. That my heart refuses to connect with my head and i cant formulate the words. I want to write to capture the feeling of falling in love. I want to my words to make you feel the pain of heartbreak. I want you to feel the sting of opportunities missed, the terror of waiting at the bottom of a rainbow that never came, waiting at the port for a boat that never left its shores. The pain in erasing dreams that were never allowed to come true.... Can you feel that pull in your stomach; can you hear the heavy sounds of silence? Can you feel the choking in your throat? Can't you hear your heart stop, your eyelids filling with tears as you struggle to understand why. Can you feel yourself losing faith? Not just in God but in yourself...Do you remember the exact moment when happiness left? Can you see the struggling through eyes killed by pain and fear? Can you h...

He's here. Almost by surprise. It's been almost 3months. Lord knows it hasn't been easy. I know that in about ten days I'll see the outside of the red boarding gate that takes away my happiness, but for now, I am at peace. Everything is well....with that seemingly simple unexpected 'Yo' from an MTN no. Big thanks to Neefemi and Temite. God sent u both to me. And to God, who has for now, blessed me with these.

Hey people, its exactly 39days to my birthday and as I have done every year since i turned 14, I am taking stock. This is the time when I evaluate myself with regards to the goals I set at the beginning of every new year/ birth anniversary. It is also at this time, that I evaluate the worth of the people around me. I make decisions concerning the people I have in my life at the moment, the ones I want to take into the new year, and the ones that must stay behind. I evaluate their influences, both positive or negative. I evaluate the supposed bonds that have been forged and decide which ones are strong enough to make it into the new year. While this may seem cold hearted at best, it is the time when I am most brutally honest with myself. When I was younger, i'd draw up a list of the things I wanted for my birthday. As a child, it was almost always something I either imagined, saw on the tv or something whatever best friend of the moment had. As I got slightly older, I picked out m...

"Will today be the day he sees me for who I truly am? will today be the day that he realises that I truly love him? Will today be the day he realises that I will not change? Will today be the day that he decides that it is me? Will it be today that he will finally see my selfless act of love? that he is meant to be with me? Will it be today that he falls in love with me?" The above are the questions that as women , not all mind you....or perhaps maybe all, ask ourselves. The questions that we dont voice out, out of fear that the next person may see us as weak and scorn us for our lily liverdness. After all who is forcing you to stay? why dont you leave him?. I too have asked the same questions of another girl...forgetting that I have also asked her questions. When will he see. All relationships are not easy, all relationships are unique says my friend Karima. She also says that the problem is that all men are demented. As aboko ku (s)  (Ruth. will die with/for my husband)...

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2010.... Use Bleaching Soap If I offer you only one tip for the future, bleaching soap would be IT . The long term benefits of bleaching have been proved by marketwomen whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable tan my own point of view. I will dispense this advice now..... Enjoy the power and beauty of bleaching soap..team it up with lacewigs. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of bleaching soap until you have aged. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how pale you really looked. You are NOT as fine as you imagine. You should worry about the future, because if you dont, you'll realise that your world will keep falling down on your head like standing under the unforgiving Lagos island rain with no umbrella, waiting for the next danfo bus that will take you to your office. The real ...

i'm smiling as I write this post. Maybe you'll understand why in a second.... I've always fancied myself as an adventurous person. But i guess i didnt realize how much, until now. So a bunch of us are off to SA in a couple of days and everyone else is so worried about what the food tastes like, what time the malls close, how much do you pay for transportation....you know..those kind of questions. And i'm sat here, blackberry in hand, and i am amused. I am amused because i just realised that I dont give a dinosaurs ripe egg about all these irrelevant things. Sure, its important to know how much things cost so that one doesnt get stranded...but then... I realise that instead of being worried, i am excited. I am excited about eating different food, about seeing new places, about learning new things. I am excited because i will sit in a new bar, and try a new cocktail. I am excited because i will eat food that's different from mine. I know for a fact that I will eit...

~My bottom really hurts. I normally wouldnt be complaining as Wale normally gives me a rub down after my workouts, but of course, he doesnt touch my bum. So i'll have to wait till Superman returns. Which isnt such a bad thing. I guess. ~ ~The absolute worst thing happened to me. I lost data. My phone memory card formatted itself (no backiup) and I lost a sizeable portion of my music library. I cried like a baby when that happened. If you know me, you'll know that my music is precious to me. I nurturre and protect and love. I couldnt believe it. Yes I deleted the back up as well. No I wasnt sleep-editing. I was changing laptops. Long story. Just cry for me argentina.~ ~ A lot has been happening in my life lately. I have been quite an unhappy bunny (not that I wear "happy bunny" well...i am afterall 70% melancholic. Then I somehow forgot how to write (i think this was the worst part) and then I was listening to Matthew Ryan's "Return to Me" on thursday...

~~Ever heard the phrase Ma wo oju Uche (no look Uche face/ dont look at Uche's face)? I heard it two or so years ago and for the life of me I couldnt fathom what it was supposed to me. Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to the end of my pondering. At 7am this morning, it hit me. i was in the shower when it did. And my verdict? Yoruba people are wicked. why? Uche is a unisex name right? Medusa was a woman right? (not sure about that thoe...the people in that period dint discriminate..man, woman, goat..etc) And you couldnt look in medusa's face too.  See.....(u dont see? :'( it made sense at 7am). But why use Uche thoe...it makes sense jor. Dont look at Uche = Dont look at Medusa = Mind where you put your eye = Dont be convetious...see...are you proud of me yet? ~~ ~~Yoruba movies are hilarious. I stayed up last night watching one called Ipese on African Magic yoruba (dont ask me how. It had subtitles). It left me in stitches. Everything was a comic freakshow. If you are eve...

Listless....lifeless.. a million ways more than tired........drained....used...emotionless... a million ways more than uninterested.... Staring through unseeing eyes at an apparent interminable future....fragile and faithless... a million ways more than unhappy.... Rainfall and teardrops.....eyelids heavy...tearglands empty...a million ways far from sadness Voices echoing in my mind...a city left behind...lonely and alone...the grafitti of time...unending...a million ways far from empty..... Crashing and burning...smoke filled tents, mind wandering.....fingers straying...plastic smiles...waiting to play the joker.....a million times more than a prank And the world keeps spinning, but here I am bowing, shoulders aching .....in the middle of it all.....adrift #nowplaying........

Once upon a time, there was this boy I thought I'd give everything for. Everything. I wasnt in love with him. But there was a darkness in his eyes that called to me. A certain sort of pain that called my name....,. We met one christmas, what year it was I forget now. It was at churrasco. I was rocking rolled up boyfriend jeans, ankle boots, a white tank top and red lipstick(i rocked rolled up boyfriend jeans before princess ri ri..lol..). I looked across the bar and I saw him staring at me. Half smile on his face. And I threw my head back and laughed. He walked over to me and said "i'm going to marry you one day". And i cocked my head to one side and said "really now"...... I have always had intense relationships. Deep sadness and deep happiness. Does the fact that I mention the sadness first mean that its always been more sadness than happiness? This was no less intense than any before it. But in some ways, more. We were never seriously physically int...

I'm sat here, staring out of the double windows of the audit room and out onto the streets of VI, deep in thought. I've just read T.Notes  's post on hope and it left me thinking about how life would suck big time if one did not or could not hope.... Where would I be if i could not hope that tomorrow will be better than today? I see the homeless roaming the streets at night. Just opposite the office is a woman asleep on a bench. She's wrapped herself up tightly, no doubt to protect herself from mosquitoes. But what about rain? what if it rains? but i know that she has gone to sleep hoping that rain will not come tonight; for if it did, where would she sleep? there'll be no escaping it... Where would we be if we could not hope that suffering and pain would come to an end? There's so much sadness in this world...if only we coul see...In the heart of a seemingly happy person lies a sadness that only he knows..and a hope that one day the sadness will end. And th...

Its been just over a year since Mikey passed. I wanted to write this post that day, but I couldnt. So i'm writing it now. I am remembering Michael Jackson. What do you see in your mind when you think of MJ? Does he cross your mind as he does mine? And if he does, what do you think? What words would you associate with him? .....I remember the day he died. I fell slightly ill, especially after I'd driven in the rain (1 hour traffic on awolowo road), with my windows down and my car stereo on full blast playing MJ's music. Letting the world know in case they didnt. Mikey was gone from here. Freed from his anguish and his pain. From judging and prying eyes and those who sought to profit from every move he ever made. I dont remember when I first fell in love with MJ. When he smiled at me through the telly and in my child's heart i decided that I'll always love this man. His music preaching love and compassion. All through the years, with every single seemingly bizar...

I'm in a very pissy mood today. Close to breaking down/losing it in fact. Ive got hormones ricocheting inside me. Its a fucking nut parade I tell you. I've gone from extremely pissed to tears in the space of one minute. Ovulation is a bitch. Give me a fucking mike and nipple patches and I might as well be Lil' kim with the way i'm cussing. Not that I care you know. It is after all my blog. So if i decide to write out the lyrics to Lil' kim's "eat my pussy right", the best you can do is cringe, not come back (please dont go, ill miss u), preach at me, or whatever else you think i'd care about. Let me not even start cussing about the matter of hypocrisy. i'll be here the whole fucking day. And part of tomorrow. And maybe i'll win a blogger award for longest post. No? shrugs Even the elemnts are against me. I walk out of the bank, to go to the bank and its blazing hot. Like satan's backside(don't ask how I know that.). And because ...

With one eye I am watching the Ghana - Uraguay match. Its penalty time. With one eye I am typing this post. But my mind is all over the place. I'll tell you why in a second. Most people mistake my strength of will for stubborness............... And that where that post ended. This one came instead...... .................................................................... I am a creature of will. By will God created me. I am a woman of faith. By faith I live and survive. That said, I am one of the most stubborn people I know. With a sometimes quiet and deceptively diplomatic approach, I defend the things I believe in. I am reponsible for my own actions. Me and me only. I decide who I love and who I trust. And I seal my fate whenever I make those decisions. Neither family nor foe nor friends have a say. Am I ranting? Perhaps yes. I trust that God has laid in front of me the path of my life. And that every decision I have ever made and will ever make will be the decis...

~~I am addicted to police checkpoints. Yeah , if I were you I'd give myself side-eye too. But seriously, whenever I get to a spot that has been a checkpoint at some point in the past, I slow down and turn my interior lights on. Doesn't matter whether its at night or during the day. Is there some form of rehab for this? Let me add that sometimes I even smile~~ ~~But what is it with policemen and those disgusting torchlights? (not calling them flashlights.) They shove the beam in your face, flicking their wrists and tinz. Now if I didn't have "inner" lights, I'd totally understand. But nooooo, the part where as a policeman at a checkpoint you apply some common sense is totally wasted on that lot. Like I'm sat there, all interior lights on, and you are still flashing something in my face. And the adeptness at wrist flicking…..tells me that they must wank a lot.~~ ~~I think I need new music in my life. Real music. I have been stuck on sad crybaby love songs fo...

Hugging oneself is never the same. No matter how many times uve been held, u never get tired of it. One more day,one more night. Just one more time, before u go. Let me be able to say, don't go cos the place will be empty where u once were. One more kiss,let me touch your face one more time, quickly before I realise that this is infact a dream. Let me beg the morning to stay away. Just before the world runs off, and sunlight chases ur shadow away. Before dawn ends my dreams, let me... The lone tear in ur eye, the lone tear on my cheek. They came from the same source. The longing from deep down. The world keeps moving And I'm standing. Standing at the gate. Watching. Watching you go. Please let time stop. Let me... Let me say, please don't go. You'll take heaven with you. Let me sleep. Let me dream. Heaven comes when my eyes are closed. And I'm going past the red gate. To a redbrick house, 3800miles from here. Goodnight. #np: Vanilla twil...

Before I started writing this post, I asked God to please give me the right words. But just right now, it occurs to me that there are no right or wrong words when talking about faith. Because faith simply is. There's no doubting it, or justifying it, or struggling for it. Why is it so easy to believe that something can go wrong, instead of trusting that nothing can go wrong? Too many times, as Christians and believers, its so easy to get caught up in what the world tells us. I remember an old (i think its ) Ron Kenoly song that goes "whose report will you believe?" It must have been then that I developed my practical approach towards faith. Because why on earth should I believe that things will e anything less than perfect. The Bible has told me that God knows the plans he has for me. plans of good and not of evil .......... It has also told me that it may tarry, but it will come. So why should I believe differently? Let me not boast lest my faith like Job's be test...

Ok. firstly, i'm the absolute last person that you'd ever hear say the words "toh bahd" or any of all the other phrases/words/slangs coined or made popular by Mohits. Frankly i think they (not Mohits, the words/slangs/phrases....although....)sound slightly retarded. But! i've been in a bit of a mood lately. Adjusting to Superman not being around, we're on the same timezone but we might as well not be. He's trying, God bless him. But its still not the same. plus, a bunch of other stuff. And have I mentioned that I miss him so much ...yeah. its a physical ache. Anyways, woke up this morning, late. So i couldnt go to the gym. Which added to my bad mood. so on my way to work, (my music player is on shuffle) D Banj's "Mr Endowed" came up. I remember when the song came out and twitter folk where yammering on and on about it lacking lyrical quality. Well do u remember my post on LAB? lyrically acclaimed bullshit? yah! anyways, i couldnt help but d...

I've always had reasons for which to be thankful. To God, to my parents, to nature, to the earth, to my friends,.... Wokeup one day to Temite's #imthankfulfors on twitter and after sampling opnion (thanks again twitfam) I realised again that most humans are thankful for the same things. For and to God. For being God. For family, what would we do without you. For life. No matter how bad everyday is, at least ure still alive right? For money. And of course the things money can buy. For love. For always making it count. I am thankful for this gift. That I can put pen to paper and write things that can make me or you laugh, smile, cry and think. This gift that gives words meaning... I am thankful for bad roads. Cos they ensure that I don't speed to my death. But I am even more thankful for good one. Cos that'll mean that Pegasus will be alive for longer. I am thankful for people that sleep with their mouths open. Even when in public. For example in traffic. Gives me someth...

~~I swear i had all these beautifully random things i was going to say. But as usual, when i plan a post in advance it never seems good enough. so...i dont know whats gonna come out here but it'll be what i'm thinking. i think~~ ~~keke marwa's/napep are the scourge of this earth. When i grow up, if i ever do, i shall buy myself a caterpiller/crane/trailer. whichever i can afford when i grow up, and i will hit every keke that crosses my path~~ ~~My mind is almost 6000miles from here. actually just checked and its actually 3100miles. and 4800kms.~~ ~~Never figured myself for the "teary eyed looking forlorn at the airport girl". It seems however, that I am. I however did not wail. I do not believe in causing a scene. That would be incredibly common. I did however have to wear my ray bans~~ ~~I think people should get on with it and leave the "geek" look behind. But then again, who am I to judge.~~ ~~I think i want a baby. But what on earth am I go...

I watched as my uncle was laid to rest on saturday. I cried new tears as I watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. I cried with his children as they cast dust upon the coffin, commiting their father's body to mother earth. From dust to dust......   Across from me, I watched my father, tears in his eyes as he buried his brother not of the same blood. Friend, for over 40 years and I wept for him too. I saw my mother beside him, holding his hand. I knew that she was remembering a similar burial from 8 years ago. When she buried my late uncle's wife. Her friend and confidant. And I cried for her too.  And fell in love with my parents, all over again.   Most times we take our parents for granted. Assuming that they'd always be around. But what if?....My father was my bestie for many years. Until I felt like I'd outgrown him, and sought friendship elsewhere. Not anymore. Recently, i didnt speak to him voluntarily for almost 2 months becasue o...

Lol...scratch my title. Or dont scratch it. Not yet, cos its not complete. I'm in love, yes. With love. I know, beat me. You were expecting something else weren't you? I've missed my blog and blogsville so much. My google reader has over 100 unread items. :s. Work has just been horrid and as I type, I am on hard bought borrowed time. Nevertheless, lemme make this count. Its thursday, and I am in love with love. Not just for love's sake, but cos I'm learning new stuff everyday. You know that passage about love in Corinthians? Its so complete. Please read here : LOVE And lately i've been thinking about it alot, and about what it means. But I wont preach about that, the bible is already explicit in that aspect. Instead, you know how a picture is worth a thousand words? Enjoy... Do you agree? The part about highly desirable makes me smile. And if you've been reading my blog since last year, you'd know that I concur completely with the weakened brain, s...